Love, Death, free-floating anxiety, and loneliness

Oh, lord...lol...Did you know there is a dating site for spiritual singles? No? I didn't either until I received some SPAM from them a few minutes ago.

It's sad really that I have a house full of people playing a board game and I would rather write to myself. What is wrong with me anymore? Is this simply Saturn in the 12th? I think maybe I am just overwhelmed with it all and the uncertainty of the future is wearing on me some today. I talk to people I've talked to for years and just really have so little interest in interacting...yet I am lonely. I am sad. I just had my Venus Return and Venus is now on my Jupiter. The Sun is sextile my Sun. I don't see anything much astrologically for my current mood but maybe I'm not looking deep enough. The nodal axis is on my MC/IC. I really don't know.

I suppose it could be just that I am super-sensitive to both Saturn and Pluto energy and they are now in square formation.  I feel something brewing...anxiety, tension, something is going to happen. Tomorrow is a master number day (33) and this could be part of it too. Right before 9/11 I was having terrible anxiety for a few weeks along with nightmares. This feeling is similar to that time but so much is happening personally it is difficult to know how to separate it all.  Maybe that is why I need to talk to myself. If I start talking about this stuff with most people I get that stupid blank stare that makes me question whether it is me or them!  Having Mercury retrograde in tight conjunction with Pluto (on the 12th cusp) sextile Neptune and trine Saturn in the 8th more or less guarantees that I have very few people I can truly communicate with. I can talk all I want but so few understand what I am saying...they hear the words but can't make the connections. And it goes both ways too...I can hear the words but not digest them sometimes. Or worse...that horrid feeling of boredom that descends when others are talking and I am not connecting because whatever they are talking about is so boring or superficial to me. Also I find that I am feeling somewhat blocked right now...unable to express myself really to others or no real desire to. I'm turned inward, I guess. Processing recent events. Worrying about what is to come and how to deal with it. Missing SP but happy he is having such wonderful experiences and not wanting to burden him with my dilemmas because I don't want to cause him any stress.  Yet I feel 'stuffed' up and unable to express things that need to be expressed because I can't write about other people's business here...so the only outlet I would have would be to tell him what has happened in private but unable to feel comfortable doing so because I care about him too much to dump a bunch of shit on him when he is having a good time!  I could talk to my german pal but don't really want to listen to that, which I have already heard from my other gemini friend. I need SP's compassionate and understanding response, not the crap other people respond with.

I am feeling too deeply with all the current Scorpio energy. Too deep with no real way to express all I am feeling...stuffing it down too much, feeling tense. I am also in a bad way with my spinal/neck/jaw thing today, which tends to make me emotional. I need some love and comfort. Need to be held and told it will be all right. Guess I am needy tonight and unable to cope. I hate feeling like this. I know it is my inner wounded little girl and do my best to provide for her, but there are times when self-nurturing isn't always enough.  Ah, well...it will pass soon enough, it always does, and I will be my bubbly self again before I know it.

And a poem from one of my favorite poets, who I just now tonight read she committed suicide. It seems so many poets lives have ended in tragedy...the influence of Neptune, I suppose.

Love And Death
Shall we, too, rise forgetful from our sleep,
And shall my soul that lies within your hand
Remember nothing, as the blowing sand
Forgets the palm where long blue shadows creep
When winds along the darkened desert sweep?

Or would it still remember, tho' it spanned
A thousand heavens, while the planets fanned
The vacant ether with their voices deep?
Soul of my soul, no word shall be forgot,
Nor yet alone, beloved, shall we see

The desolation of extinguished suns,
Nor fear the void wherethro' our planet runs,
For still together shall we go and not
Fare forth alone to front eternity.

Sara Teasdale

Weight of woes

The stress continues unabated...with the approaching Saturn-Pluto square I can only assume that it will continue throughout the week. I want to write and release some of this but I only have a few moments now...may return to this in a few hours if I have any privacy to really write. In the meantime, maybe crying will help! Oh, that's right, I have no privacy for that either.

Well, 7 hours later and I'm feeling a little better...an hour at the gym works wonders, truly. I pushed myself very hard this morning and now just returned from lunch with my sister and my friend.  I am seriously addicted to greek food, lol. This place in town is owned and ran by Greeks...they bring family over to work in the restaurant and sponsor other greeks. The benefit of this is authentic food. Can't get any better pita than what they serve...yummy.  Just what I don't need (carbs and gluten) but after the past 24 hours of non-stop drama, worry, stress, nightmares, being upset (on and on) I needed some comforting. Unfortunately the only comfort available at the moment is food.

My sisters are crazy...descending upon me like a swarm of locusts, asking to see pictures of my love, wanting to know everything (which of course I am very private and only tell what I feel like disclosing, lol) but when I light up at every thought of him and glow like an xmas tree when I speak of him, I can understand why they are so curious!  I can't help it.  So I showed them a few pictures and they were laughing at me because I get so....happy. And they 'approve' of him...how fun. Like I need anyone's approval!!!! I am sure they will soon get tired of me saying how amazing and gorgeous and wonderful he is...and how I've never felt like this or been so close to anyone. Which they can't understand because of the nature of our connection at the moment. Thinking of him has kept me going throughout everything I have had to deal with over the past month and gives me hope. My love and desire for him is stronger than ever...if someone would have asked me last year if I could love anyone more than I did him then, I would have laughed. What a shocker for me to feel it grow and grow and grow. It's truly amazing.  He is such a light in my life...my joy, my heart. I hope he is having a great time still. I love it when he is happy.

Lost in the arms of destiny...

Just a line from Apocalyptica's "Bittersweet," which I am listening to and is very fitting for my mood tonight.  I love the violin in this song. Oh, how I do love it. If I ever have the opportunity, I want to learn the violin. My whole life I have wanted to play but I never really knew what instrument(s) I would want to play until the last few years...which is the violin and harp. I did use to play guitar some and have considered getting one, but don't think it really is 'me'.  When I think of all the talent within me just bursting to break out, it can make me sad regarding my upbringing and birth family...the only thing I can do that was truly developed was my writing because that is something you can do whenever, wherever and keep it hidden in secrecy. Even then, I was violated by my parents who would tear apart my room looking for anything and everything I had written. I suppose they could come and read my blog now if they like. I really don't give a crap what they do anymore. Indifference is the opposite of love...and this is what I feel for them. Indifference. Don't care. They did their very best to ruin my life and turn me into them but nothing they did worked. I am such a rebellious soul, I know. I've been like this for...well...forever!?  Since I was sparked, I suppose. I am not sure. I do know that for the most part, in the majority of my lives (that I know of!) I have been a spiritually potent and rebellious soul who did not listen or toe any lines other than what I felt was right. It has lead to my death so many times...still, I cannot and will not contain myself into any societal FALSE rules or laws. I follow Universal Law...ignorant fools have said I lack morals when in reality I have more morals in my little toe than they do because I follow the word of Spirit, not some false man-made bullshit.

I am, in essence, an Artisan Priest...or a Priest Artisan (which is what I feel intuitively) but my channel said that it didn't matter which is which because this is my Soul expression in every life, past, present, and future. My biggest challenge to overcome is...Ha ha... arrogance. Good luck with that one, then.  Truly, I just can't help it...I know we all have our roles and we are all of 'equal' importance, but I just cannot accept that we are all 'equal' in certain areas...such as intelligence. There are some dumbass people in this world. Sorry, but it's the truth. And yes, I can be quite intolerant of stupidity. I try (sometimes) to accept it or overlook it and even try to believe that these idiots are on the same level as me, but it never works out. I can be very compassionate and very understanding toward those who make mistakes (including myself) and I can help others to learn and to grow, but I have an impossible time with those who cannot - will not - learn from their mistakes. Those who have a reason to lack intelligence - a disability, for instance - are not the ones I am talking about, no, not at all. They have karmic lessons and need all the support and love they can get. Besides, they often are much more spiritually 'intelligent' than most 'normal' people. I am talking about the idiots who have no reason to be such a dumbass other than laziness, disregard, and lack of any drive to improve themselves. These types bring out my arrogance. I guess it isn't very pretty of me to have these feelings but I do, so why pretend otherwise?

The purpose of this ramble? I've no clue other than I am exhausted and trying to avoid doing work! LOL Ok, there's the truth of the matter. I am in a deep sort of mood today and wish I could talk to my love instead of us both having to work ourselves to the bone. Maybe not even talk. Just lie together under the stars and share things telepathically...or communicate with our bodies. There is such a potent force between us...I do believe in destiny. Not that we can't ignore it or fight it, because we always can, but if allowed to flow of it's own accord, destiny - fate - will guide us in the direction of our Soul's divine plan. Being lost in the arms of destiny may not be such a bad thing after all...especially if that destiny involves someone as amazing as my gorgeous love. I spent quite a bit of time drooling over him earlier today, lol...and then wrote a poem, which is on the website, called "Our Passion An Estuary."  He is a powerful source of inspiration.

Blessed Samhain!!!!!

I have finally thrown off the shackles of my stressed out state! Ahhhh...mmmmm...I have been slacking off all day and messing about, and now here I am feeling happy and...very sexy. In the extreme. If only I had some release...my love touching me, kissing me...taking me (roughly)...taking me over. This is my mood at the moment but I will attempt to sublimate it and not drive myself wild thinking of it.

I have had some sugar, lol...an almond joy and a fun size peanut M&M that a neighbor gave me when we went trick or treating. Gare was such an adorable pumpkin head. His cape was too long and was billowing out behind him so I had to keep helping him with it. As for me, yes, I did dress up too. I couldn't resist the urge and I admit, I look super hot tonight. Truly. I was looking at the photos I took and was surprised. I guess what I am feeling on the inside is coming out, LOL. 'Cause, yes, I am...oh, see above! If I start back on that, this WILL end up being erotica and I will frustrate myself beyond belief with my thoughts. I wonder if he can feel me today. I wonder if he is feeling hot too...ok, stop it, no more torture.

But I do wonder...

So we did the pumpkins last night but Gare wouldn't let me do anything fancy. He wanted the same thing he wanted last year...triangle eyes, triangle nose, evil teeth. Dae and Brad did a Cat and Crescent Moon, which I found a stencil for online. They are using this flashing light to illuminate them. Gare says, candles aren't for pumpkins. LOL I love them with candles. We still have some fireworks left over from the 4th of July and I was joking around and told them when the pumpkins start to rot we can take them out back and blow them up with the fireworks. I was being FUNNY...but now they really want to do it!!! Hmmmm...it might be...interesting. But who is going to clean up the mess when it is all done???? That better be figured out way beforehand because I'm certainly not going to do it!

I took tons of pictures today - I will share my favorite of myself. I'm going to stop talking now because I have one thing on my mind tonight. One thing - one person - but a lot of variety.

Joined At The Crossroad

It's late and I should be in bed but I am still wound up from all the fun over the past few days. I thought I would write a poem tonight but it is so loud in my house and there are too many people here...the energy is overwhelming for me. Gare and I are the only 'quiet' personalities and the only two who want and need quiet. This is likely why Gare is acting up so too. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do to help either of us at the moment. Put it this way, I have a headset on with music and a fan blowing by me and still I hear them and the TV over the top of it all. I am very much looking forward to having my own place next year and if Brad is with Sam, that means Dae will be there a lot. This works for me. Not that I don't love her because I do, but she is much more like her father than me and Gare - which is fine, but loud and difficult for me (and Gare) to handle all the time. Plus staying up late every night and sleeping half the damn day whenever she can and never, ever listening or caring how disturbing this is for me. She is so much like my birth family that it is scary...she fits right in with them, whereas I do not at all.

At least she is done hating me for the moment. We did not have an easy afternoon together. I know I hurt her feelings with my outburst but she can't see anything from my perspective. If I had done what she did to me to my parents growing up, I would have had a hell of a lot more than a tongue lashing. The stress has just been too much. When I start thinking about how nice it would be to take a leap off the Skyway, I know it is out of hand.

But...it isn't too much longer and things will get better. I know it will be a very unsettled year but when all is said and done and the dust settles, life will be happier. I suspect it will be March or early April and while it seems so far away at the moment, when I think about how I've dealt with the bulk of the situation for so many long years, I realize it is really nothing in the scheme of things.

I do have a few lines and feelings bubbling away inside but I guess it isn't time for it to come out...when it is ready it will. So I will share a very Scorpionic poem I wrote last November instead :) I actually recorded this one and liked it other than the fact I had to rush fast as the computer I had then only allowed 1 minute to record and stumbled over some of it. Well, now I have a very nice recording program that Richard and Charlotte sent us, but my headset has a short in it so I need to get a new one. I still need to load the program into my laptop and figure it all out...it is for composing and recording music but you can record anything on it. At least that is what Richard told me! Maybe when Lori is here I will have more time to play a bit with things.

Joined At The Crossroad

Tendrils twine in the quiet,
Snake-like energy drawing us into the dance,
The ancient mystery - dark and erotic.

I saw you by the roadside, bare to the wind,
Lost within the dusk,
Searching…searching…raw and hungry,
Needing to feed, voracious - a starving fiend.

I stood before you, pulsating, alive,
Each vein throbbing with life, with desire,
The food of approaching night, the moon to guide us,
To guide us…not deny or usurp.

Oh, how you long to feed, to taste my flesh,
To swallow the moonlight dancing softly between us,
To shelter within the warmth of the passage
Where the wind cannot blow.

I wait in the silence, touched by the tendrils,
Drawn into the sacredness of the mystery,
Moving serpentine, kissing each snake as we entwine,
Joined at the crossroad, feeding…

Dena L Moore
November 22, 2008


Maybe I will be able to sleep a bit now...I hope I have a sexy dream of my SP. I haven't slept enough to dream (or at least remember any) for a few weeks now.

No rest for the wicked...and Goblin Market (Sisters)

So much for accomplishing much today...I am so fed up with everyone else's life impacting mine to such a point that I can't even do my own work because I have to attend to their 'emergencies' and needs. I feel pushed into these situations and not really sure what I can do about it. One thing after another. Sick of it.

Anyhow, I am just blowing off some steam and hoping to get at least a few hours in yet but since there is a mountain of homework to help Gare with I doubt it is going to happen. And tomorrow morning is blown too...again, with someone else's crap. I am just falling further and further behind but I have to release some of this in order to focus.

Being in FL seriously ruins Samhain for me...it's difficult to get into the shifting energy in 90 degree weather. If there is anything I miss about being up north it is the autumn. The colored leaves and cool air, the apples at the orchard, the festivals that really feel like fall festivals. Not just more of the same. No seasons. Just...this. Heat, wind, rain. Humidity. Though I seriously dislike snow...only for a few days do I enjoy it. Sometimes the very crisp and cold nights with icicles hanging off the trees. I can enjoy the beauty of it. Plus you can be outside all year, even in the very cold. You can bundle up but you can't take your skin off. Sometimes I wish I could! And yes, sometimes I do think about how much fun we used to have sledding. Ice skating. Building snowmen. Throwing snowballs. LOL That's what happens when you grow up with all boys! I was the only girl for over 9 years, with 3 brothers. Anyhow, I never want to LIVE in the snowy areas again but it would be fun to get the hell out of this place for even a few days. I am SICK of being hot and paying for so much electric. Frickin' 90+ degrees for Halloween. Sucks.

Ok, I'm done being negative now...just have had an overwhelming day taking care of everyone else and their emotions and their problems while my work goes undone. I need some 'me' time...I haven't had any in so long.

But in a few months I will see my SP, which gives me so much to look forward to...so, so much. Wish I could see him now...lie with him, snuggle and cuddle and relax together in silence. I hope his day will be much nicer than mine has been.

And so I will share part of Christina Rossetti's "Goblin Market" - it is simply too long to put it here in it's entirety! And it is somewhat appropriate to my current situation with my sister, and the role I have to play. sigh...

My favorite lines from the poem are:

"She sucked and sucked and sucked the more
Fruits which that unknown orchard bore"....LOL. Oh...I know exactly what (whose!) 'fruit' I would love to suck right about now...my 'unknown orchard'...so much for resting together in the silence.

"Backwards up the mossy glen
Turned and trooped the goblin men,
With their shrill repeated cry,
“Come buy, come buy.”
When they reached where Laura was
They stood stock still upon the moss,
Leering at each other,
Brother with queer brother;
Signalling each other,
Brother with sly brother.
One set his basket down,
One reared his plate;
One began to weave a crown
Of tendrils, leaves and rough nuts brown
(Men sell not such in any town);
One heaved the golden weight
Of dish and fruit to offer her:
“Come buy, come buy,” was still their cry.

Laura stared but did not stir,
Longed but had no money:
The whisk-tailed merchant bade her taste
In tones as smooth as honey,
The cat-faced purr’d,
The rat-paced spoke a word
Of welcome, and the snail-paced even was heard;
One parrot-voiced and jolly
Cried “Pretty Goblin” still for “Pretty Polly;”—
One whistled like a bird.
But sweet-tooth Laura spoke in haste:
“Good folk, I have no coin;
To take were to purloin:
I have no copper in my purse,
I have no silver either,
And all my gold is on the furze
That shakes in windy weather
Above the rusty heather.”
“You have much gold upon your head,”
They answered all together:
“Buy from us with a golden curl.”
She clipped a precious golden lock,
She dropped a tear more rare than pearl,
Then sucked their fruit globes fair or red:
Sweeter than honey from the rock,
Stronger than man-rejoicing wine,
Clearer than water flowed that juice;
She never tasted such before,
How should it cloy with length of use?
She sucked and sucked and sucked the more
Fruits which that unknown orchard bore;
She sucked until her lips were sore;
Then flung the emptied rinds away
But gathered up one kernel-stone,
And knew not was it night or day
As she turned home alone."

and the last verse, about the sisters - I am the strength, the one who lifts during the stormy weather:

“For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather;
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands.”

OMG...way too funny not to share

I love my kids...they are so fun, especially Gare.





1st photo...Gare eating a slice of apple. One out of many...in fact, the kid ate nearly the entire bag! I think I had 2 pieces. It was a bag of mixed red and green. In the end he left a few green ones. Poor things. I swear he looks like he is high in this picture, he is enjoying it so much!

2nd photo I have charmingly titled "now I'm going to kick Mom's butt." Hey, I've seen that look MANY times over the year. Ha Ha Do you think it was because I was taking his picture and interrupted his 'apple pleasure'??

We were at the park for several hours today...had a cookout, and then went shopping for halloween costumes. Dae will be some sort of...something! Not sure yet, but she bought fishnets and a dress (which her father did not approve of) and black hair spray. Gare is going to be Pumpkin Head. LOL OMG, he is so easy to shop for and took maybe 2 minutes to decide...his sister, please. I was about ready to leave her in the store when she finally gave in and decided on what she got. Then the candy aisle(s)...holy crap. How much candy is needed for this??? We came out with like 7 bags of the stuff. I was in too good of a mood to fight them for long on it. I did force them to get Almond Joy's as that is really the only kind I ever want (well, that comes in small halloween sizes. My favorite is really Cadbury's hazelnut. Don't ask me why as I really don't know!!!). But candy is actually something NONE of us need!!! lol I will only have one, on Halloween. With three Cancer-influenced people in this house, I never have to worry about having any sort of sugar anything left to tempt me for too long. Oh, no...wow, if you do not know a Cancer then you are missing out on the fun...next time you have a gathering, set out a chocolate cake (with chocolate frosting - the richest you can find) and then make an announcement that it is time for dessert (hell, it doesn't matter if it is 1 am or before you serve the main course) and take note of all those that come running with a plate and fork. I'm telling you that all the ones the come the fastest WILL BE Cancer influenced people. Another way to know is if they are lingering about the kitchen while you are trying to cook, picking at all the sugary stuff even though you've asked them not to. They are seriously addicted to sugar, I think from birth!

Ahh, well...it's been a pleasant enough day but now I better get back to work on these horrorscopes as I have an overly stuffed next week. Will I survive??? LOL Will do my best but am not looking forward to it.

Ecstatic...and enraptured

I am so full of joy and can't contain myself any longer...January can't get here fast enough, lol. I am not sure if I've ever looked forward to anything else so much in my entire life...perhaps the birth of the children, but I can't think of anything else that could possibly compare.

I want to sing but not much will come out...I have lost my voice entirely several times over the past few days. It starts to come back, then it's gone again.

I should try to write a poem but I need to save my focusing for the horoscopes and a ritual I have to write for a lady, so I have come to ramble to myself for a few moments. I would much rather be face to face with my love...we always seem to have plenty to talk about, lol. It is really wonderful to be so close and share so much and to understand one another, most of the time without having to think about it. Although I had to go through the recent purging, I feel now it was absolutely essential for it to occur before January...and now I am back to my dreaminess and sense of joy. There are really no words to describe it. The word joy cannot contain it...it is something that cannot be understood unless one has felt it!

I am enraptured by him...his amazing eyes, gorgeous smile, and everything else...that brain of his, wow. His light. His aura. I could spend the rest of my life writing about him (and just may!). In moments such as this, I truly desire nothing more than to be with him, gazing at him...exploring him...reveling in his mystery. And while I realize that life cannot be so idyllic and we will always have to come back down to earth and deal with daily life, the moments when we are riding high together, touching the higher planes (and touching each other as well) will be beyond anything I could have previously dreamed of. This is me opening and not being fearful...not worrying. Trusting. It's been a long road to get to this place but I would do it all over again if it led me into his arms. I would do it 100 times if that is what it would take.

sigh -

I should start drawing again or working with pastels...words are not giving me enough release, not bringing out enough of what I am feeling - this multi-colored, living, breathing thing within me that is constantly pulsing...this is my love for him as he moves within me in Spirit. I can only fantasize about him moving within me in Form...oh, and I do. I want him so badly; to touch his face, kiss his lips, to taste him. To give myself to him; to please him. To hear him laugh; to watch him sleep. Ok, time to stop or I won't get any work done today and I risk turning my blog into erotica, lol. Wow, just thinking about him makes me breathless and......

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just incredible. It may be a good thing we have a few days together before the conference begins, LOL!!!! Might need a few solid weeks the way I'm feeling today. I'm laughing so hard.

So to keep this a 'poetry' blog instead of just my private fantasy world, I will share a poem I wrote earlier this year (yes, of course he is in it...any poetry with a sexual element or love element written in the past year or so is always about him in some way!). I like this one because it is erotic.


Wild and Windswept

She lies like a mystery
Unraveled, untamed…a wild, fluctuating coast,
Wind-swept caresses haunting the harbor,
A light up ahead - dim.

No sound but my heartbeat
Thudding like footsteps on stone, softly insistent.
Dark clouds rage above, a mad master’s dance
Heavy with rain, ominous.

It is the fierceness of the storm
Drawing me near, pulling me down the rough-edged path,
Calling out a rhythm in waves washing through me,
Tension drawn in the sky - pierced with lightning -

And I am in my element, feral and fleshly,
Hair tossing behind me as I flow down , down, dancing
To the shore, to the swelling crests crashing chest-high,
Rocking toward me as I reach out to her,

Laughing sensually to the beat of her pulse,
My flesh rising with desire to roll with her, to sway and swirl,
Pivot and gyrate, to move with such pounding intensity,
The power teasing and potent, unrestrained…

I think of you with me, turbulent and inflamed,
Your body vivid and wild, moving against me,
Fluctuating and windswept, haunting me as she taunts the shore,
As she crashes and tames, rocking and pulling,

I think of you, your mystery,
The dream of your flesh, your flashing eyes devouring,
The control and force of your Spirit arousing -
I’m fierce in my desire; I’m eager to be tamed.

Dena L Moore
August 2, 2009

So....here I am...

eating a piece of leftover cold pizza, burning a money candle, and basically playing hooky from work for the moment. I'm such a bad girl sometimes. And pizza should be outlawed, LOL. Especially the 'walmart' fresh ones, because they are cheap and absolutely delicious. This poor last piece was part of a Super supreme...was, as it is nearly gone!

I have a pile of email higher than Mt Rushmore waiting for me...I take one look at it and simply don't want to mess with any of it at all. But it will all have to be tackled and everything done before the weekend as it is my weekend off and I am long past due. Oh, I only have the November scopes, the weekly scopes, the weekly tarot, the Jan - March calendars, an astro-reading...on and on...all must be done by Friday afternoon. If not, then I will push some of it off until next week, but I would rather push myself harder and get it done. I am feeling somewhat better today and even got in some time at the gym. I took it very easy on myself though and only did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the weights. It was way too crowded this morning with a bunch of older people so I didn't want to hang around too long anyhow. It was 'better than nothing' as Dae would say. And no sign of my predator, so that was good, LOL. Poor guy...I don't even know him and he's already a villain. I will just have to get over myself and learn to handle these things like a somewhat 'normal' person...either that or pretend I know how.

I find it so ironic that I have all this email and I would rather write to myself! Well there is only one personal email in there from my german pal but as she was tearing into me when I was in my dark place, I haven't much desire to reply to it yet. It's been in there for 3 days now. See how naughty I am?? I suppose I will have to at some point today. I just want to chat, that's all, and maybe some would find it very sad that I have to talk to myself so much, but that's how it goes sometimes. Most everyone just chats with me online but I suppose that is hard for them to do when they never know when I am on! LOL Wow, this Saturn stuff has been simply...different. I think I did withdraw from most everyone last time he came around. Anyhow, I sometimes have absolutely nothing and everything to say all at once and it would drive others crazy if they had to listen (or read) my ongoing rambling for too long. Especially when I just randomly jump from one thing to the next without rhyme or reason. This particular thing drives my GP (ha ha German Pal) nuts, though she does it too. Of course she doesn't admit up to that or notice it, but is sure to call me on it. She says I wear her down with my intensity. I can't help it though, what I am. So maybe that's why I have to talk to myself as I can 'run the energy' for quite a while before I crash. Even when I know a crash is coming (like I did last Thursday) and try to stall it, it doesn't work.

BUT like the Phoenix that I am, I rise again and again...out of the flames or out of the raging sea (or both at once), I spread my wings and shine my light.

I feel more at peace again today...somehow different but peaceful. In a quiet (but chatty) place where I recognize that I have been a bit out of control emotionally the past few weeks. Flying so high at first, then bam, broken and flopping about like a fish out of water. I know to others I sometimes appear 'larger than life' or 'over the top' and maybe, to them, I am. Perhaps some would disagree that it is possible to love someone who one has never spoken to or touched...and I suppose that would be how it works for most people, but then again, I am very far from being 'most' people. I know when my Soul has been so deeply pierced and I know what I feel when I feel it; I know that I have never felt so much joy and peace and certainty than I do now. And so much heat...

I seriously have a one track mind sometimes! I have to be patient and allow things to unfold as they will. If he knew how much I think about being with him...or being under him... in the temple or in the crypt...or... I know I can be so confusing as I am so open with these things in writing sometimes (ok, most of the time), I probably give the impression that I am a rapist, LOL. When it is so far from who I am in the flesh...not a rapist, but certainly very sexual, but not in an in-your-face way...very subtle and erotic. I suppose this is what draws the Scorpion. I guess if you've truly got it, you don't have to flaunt it. HA HA In my case, I try to hide it from strangers. But with him...oh, I may be shy at first but he will melt me open within minutes. I will be so vulnerable but somehow that turns me on with him rather than off!! This is the trust thing again...and so different and delightful an experience for me. I suppose this is why I am so in awe of all these things that arise within me through our connection.

I love looking at him too...I can only imagine how it will be in person. Will I stare at him in hunger or blush like a maiden? Or, somehow, both all at once? I even intrigue myself with these things!!! And although I tell myself I won't ramble on and on about my love, I always seem to come back to him. He is on my mind...very obviously so!!

I so want to go to Virginia this weekend...I nearly emailed the lady and asked if she'd give us a discount (as she isn't booked yet). BUT I can't really justify it, especially as the car needs so much work and the drive would probably kill her off. Yet...I am longing to be in the mountains and see the leaves. I've been fighting this urge for nearly 2 weeks now. Maybe if I make a lot of money today I will email her tonight...I will let Spirit decide what the right thing is to do on this. Lots of money = weekend trip. Little money = stay home.

Saturn - Neptune, Osiris - Isis??

I've somewhat turned my poetry blog into a temporary holding ground for my personal astro-rambles. Sometimes this stuff should be on the astrology blog but it is way too personal so it ends up here. Perhaps once I work through some of it and formulate something worthy to share with the world I will create something of value for TNF.

I am still in something of an emotional crisis but I think it is because I fell extremely ill last night and am unable to focus for too long on anything significant. I swear I have had this same crap 3 times already this year...likely a mutating strain of some type of flu. Not sure. But I am certainly not feeling great. Funny how I am feeling upset I will miss the gym tomorrow...I can barely walk, so don't think I will be in any shape for all that.

I have been drawn to think about my Saturn-Neptune opposition today...I suppose anything I can toss out here to myself may help in the future when I finally get to work on my pet project (instead of just talking about it). I actually have a lot of it written in my head but just need to pull it all together, do the necessary additional research, and pop it out. Sounds easy...that's me fooling myself.

So...a huge struggle my whole life has been feeling out of control in so many areas. That other people control me, or have power over me, especially men when it comes to sex and intimacy. Like I have no ability or right to say no, so I become evasive, hide, or situate myself with men around me to block out approaches by others (maybe why I've always had male friends??? In my early 20's I was always surrounded by GAY males...my supposedly safe protectors?!) I was even engaged to one and almost agreed to remain celibate! Oh, thank the Universe for not letting me do something that stupid...not to mention he nearly killed me when I tried to get away and then stalked me for years. If it hadn't been for another man who had just happened to stop by WAITING TO SEE HIM, I probably wouldn't be here. That man (boy really, he was only 17) saved my life, I know it. I am really on a roll regarding self-understanding this weekend.

Anyhow, I found the following on the internet:

Across from the 8th house, the 2nd house is where we possess things: money, valuables, values and even ourselves. It is the sphere of control over our lives, the place where we exert power over what we own, including our bodies. It is the space where we forge self-worth, self-control, self-possession.

In the 2nd house we POSSESS our BODIES...I have NEPTUNE there...not much in possession of myself, am I?? No wonder I have always felt I was prey!

The 8th house is exactly the opposite: It is where power, control and possession belong to others. We usually think of the 8th house as other people’s money, but that’s just a symbol of its underlying and deeply powerful dynamic: the ability of another person — including their possessions, valuables, values and motivations — to affect our lives without our consent.

In the 8th house OTHERS POSSESS...my Saturn/Vx/Juno...


I found this info on this very interesting astro-site (it also discussed Isis & Osiris a bit): http://www.depthastrology.net/2008/10/09/astrologys-8th-house-possession-sedation-rope-swings-and-trust/

Ironically, I LONG to be POSSESSED by a lover...to be pillaged and taken, even somewhat 'owned,' especially sexually. The catch is that he must be a lover of MY choice, one I TRUST with every aspect of my being, knowing that he cherishes me and would never truly hurt me. It seems such a conflict within me, doesn't it? But within that state of trust and love, the sky would be the limit. So if I was in such a state, I would not resent being possessed at all but would rather freely (Neptune) give all over to him. And in that state, he would be my safe place and protector, keeping all the other men away from me and realizing my full devotion (Neptune). How did I go off on this tangent??? I am too sick to get worked up - or so I thought.

It all ties in together though, really...all about understanding my own Being on a deeper level. Understanding my past, my present, and looking forward to a happier, more loving, more self-honest future.

Let's see how long it stays this time...

I have added Mariah Carey's song "Obsessed" to my playlist at least 5 times now and it keeps disappearing! How fun. Just wanted to hear it today and it was gone AGAIN! Totally understand what she is talking about, which is why I like it. Been there, dealt with that a number of times in the past, ugh. I guess it is something in my aura; who knows. Even keeping a low profile some man will try to sniff me out, but I'm getting better at rejecting more directly (but not in a mean way) instead of being evasive, which only seems to prolong it. It is likely my ASC/Cupido/Venus/Jupiter/Moon conjunction in Libra/Scorpio, sextile Mars/SN, trine NN, and semisextile Neptune. I am a very sexual and intimate being, but so selective it's insane...but I know what I want...and who. No other guy stands a chance! It's sad though that I can't sign into any of my networking sites to talk to any of my friends without having to deal with men...so I just haven't in some time, but I know when I finally do I will have people asking me if I'm all right. So I solve that by posting a note to everyone - I AM STILL ALIVE AND KICKIN' LOL Crazy. Then someone suggested I start using Tweeter and I told them I have enough problems without that. Even clients get ideas about doing me! Unfortunately when I try to discuss these issues with friends they think I am exaggerating or bragging (or get jealous! which to me is simply bizarre but I guess they don't know what it feels like to be hunted), so this is something I am left to handle mostly on my own. All they have to do is look at my chart and they'd see it...well, the few who know astrology, lol. Only Bev really gives me any sympathy and strength when it comes to my 'intensity' and men vultures. She should be back in Hawaii now, but she didn't reply to my email yet. Typical Scorpio, lol.

I feel like dancing but alas, I only have a few minutes to ramble to myself before I must focus on work again. I feel at peace today (more or less) after a somewhat stressful two days, but if Gare feels up to it, I'm thinking that the Gulf is calling my name! Just have a lot of energy right now, even after 45 minutes on the elliptical and then 30 minutes of weight machines! Even with my back and neck hurting. Just truly full of it. I suspect I will push myself and then crash, but that's how it goes. The ocean will relax me though...unless the sun is still too hot.

I suppose I am just wasting time. I am so chatty and yet I don't really feel like talking to anyone except SP at the moment, so that leaves talking to myself! I just feel very distant from most people in my life. So little connection or enjoyment in my other relationships and friendships anymore. I know I am outgrowing nearly everyone I've been somewhat close to over the past few years, so I suppose it is time to start letting them go and moving forward to whatever lies ahead. The few male friends who I thought were friends obviously had ulterior motives as I can clearly see now due to their recent behavior and poor treatment of me that they thought that when I left my current partner that they would move in on me! Even though they've known all along that I am in love with someone else...I've never hid or lied about that. But men are competitive and like a challenge yet it bothers me that I am so naive sometimes in these situations.

Ok, Dena, time to shut up and get to work! LOL Sad that I have to boss myself around.

Il Mio Mondo...Poseidon

Just another day lost at Sea, lol...and enjoying it. Dreaming a dream, reveling in oceanic feelings of bliss and connection, at least for the past hour or so. I've been contemplating on my love's Poseidon/SN/Cupido conjunction in the 12th...such a spiritual loving & intuitive potential!

When I think back over the readings I have done for him, not even knowing about this conjunction, I truly amaze my own self with the information I can pull in. I am so blessed in so many ways; I just need to keep it in mind when I feel overwhelmed by other's needs. I am especially blessed with my love. He is the most amazing man...never in a million years could I have dreamed him up even in my most vivid fantasy world! And it is not that I put him on a pedestal (too high) in an unrealistic way - at least I don't think so! - but rather I am amazed that there is actually someone in the Universe I feel so close and attuned to...and most important, that I feel safe emotionally with and can trust with all my deeper Self. Someone of my spiritual equal and (I just know) sexual equal, which is only something I have dreamed of in the past, never truly thinking it was possible, let alone residing within one Soul! And this is why I am lost in a sea of bliss. And his powers of concentration and memory and intelligence and humor and those gorgeous eyes, oh...I've never felt any sort of awe for anyone in my life, ever, prior to meeting him. This is an entirely new experience for me and I am just beside myself with internal happiness and peace. A deep healing is taking place between us. I am very aware of this and there is nothing more beautiful.

Some days, like today, I just want to shout it from a mountaintop somewhere and laugh and laugh and laugh. Others may think I am totally crazy but I don't care! I even overwhelm myself with my emotions sometimes, which is why I have to write to myself...quietly ecstatic. I was scared before, I know that now...not prepared for such a deep state of connection. Not prepared to put down all walls. Although it was difficult I see now that perhaps our separation was necessary so that I would be more open to the powerful energy between us; so I would stop fighting and surrender to it...to not feel threatened by my own feelings and all that he invokes within me, but to learn to embrace and enjoy it. I now find myself so intensely with him, so devoted, so...loving, but it goes so far beyond a lust or a crush or even anything I have felt before as love. It is truly an experience that goes beyond any words or description. I could not even know how to tell him all that I feel with words. It is something that must be shared through the meeting of eyes and the joining of bodies.

And I should, um, stop thinking along those lines lest I frustrate myself, lol.

So...how about a poem? :D From one of my favorite poets (the only one who compares is Blake:))

Love's Philosophy

"The fountains mingle with the rivers
And the rivers with the oceans,
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle.
Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother,
And the sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea:
What is all this sweet work worth
If thou kiss not me?"

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Immortal love opens like a Lotus in bloom

In this sacred place, the inner core of my own Being, I am aware of the subtle shift not only within my own mini-cosmos but within the larger cosmos as a whole. Each day the sesen opens into a blossom as the Sun climbs higher in the sky...and I sense this blossoming as surely as I feel my love's heart beating as he rests.

Now I am at peace, in this moment I am in the flow, bathing in the richness of energy and the pulsating rhythm of the Universe. I am quiet and steady, my love growing with every breath I take in this body. My love for my love and my love for all that is, blossoming as the lotus in many directions, encompassing all in Spirit but reserved in essence for my immortal love, my beloved of the beloved. I am intense, true, and few would understand the depth of my intensity - the hot and cool waters which swirl together, the sacred pearl and the duality of life, the balance created through opposites as we interact and touch one another. There are no words to express all that I feel or all that I see...and the most magnificent aspect is the beauty of being able to let go. To relinquish control and knowing - trusting -that all will unfold as intended...having all fears quieted and standing steady in the garden, holding the apple with full knowledge that I will never regret taking a bite. For my love is a sacred love, an immortal love, reaching far beyond this life and this form, ordained and written in the Stars.

I have loved before...yet no matter how deep a love I have felt for others in the past, none come close to what I am feeling now. I have questioned whether I have ever truly loved before, and I feel the answer lies in the wide variety of manifestations of love and the potential to give and receive love. Yes, I have loved but not in such a spiritual, all-encompassing, unconditional, truly connected way...I have never felt so at ease within the emotions, so fully involved, grounded while dreaming. I have been involved in Saturn-Neptune connections before and have suffered both the beauty and the pain...but within this love, the times I have felt pain, I never lost sight of the beauty. Even when he let me go for several months, I embraced the beauty and the growth I had experienced within. Anger - which is something I would usually feel at such treatment - was fleeting and barely perceptible. Sadness, which I did feel, would have led to despondency and there were times of that...but beneath it all, even in our separation, I felt my love for him in a timeless way. A knowing that I loved him and that I had always loved him deep down within the waters of my Soul. A knowing that he was within me, always. And I liked feeling him within...and I have truly granted him access with blessings and love, trusting him with all that I am. He is the only Soul I would trust within my own. This sets him apart from every other love I have ever known. I admire him, I respect him, I honor him.

I do not know how it will unfold and I will not try to force it; rather, I will relax and enjoy him and our connection, knowing that I love him in an open manner, love freely and delightfully given, just as the Sun provides the light for the Lotus to blossom...knowing that I will love him forever, no matter how far apart we are, incarnated in form or not. No matter our challenges.

He is my Dragon, my phoenix and rebirth. His fire inspires me; his heart is the pearl of wisdom and unfolding beauty. Through my love for him I caress the Universe.

Put your lips on my mouth

Me...tonight...exactly what I am feeling and describes it perfectly (other than the cut-off jeans part - and I am much more patient!). Oh...oh...if only he knew...

I need to write some poetry but...

Lyrics to 'Wanted' by Jessie James.

I wanna lie in my bed
And do nothing
I don’t care what anyone says
I got you on my mind
Thinking about one thing
Gonna show you how I do it best

Put my lips on your mouth
Keep you comin around
Cus I like it
Put your hands on my hips
Take me down
Sink this ship
Boy I can’t resist

I wanna wear my hair wild in a mess
Cut off jeans, can you get with that?
Give you something like you’ve never had
Cus I only wanna be wanted by you
I wanna tease you till you’re begging me
And you’re on your knees
And its hard to breathe
And every other time is just a memory
Cus I only wanna be wanted by you

Those other guys when they call
I might answer
But you’re the one I’m thinking bout
So baby don’t disappoint
Just move faster
And show me what you’re feeling now

Put your lips on my mouth
Keep it comin around
Cus I like it
Nothings wrong
It’s so right
Got permission from me tonight
So turn off the lights

I wanna wear my hair wild in a mess
Cut off jeans, can you get with that?
Give you something like you’ve never had
Cus I only wanna be wanted by you
I wanna tease you till you’re begging me
And you’re on your knees
And it’s hard to breathe
And every other time is just a memory
Cus I only wanna be wanted by you

Now I’m going crazy
I’m tired of waiting
My lips are on fire
I just want you to know
I’m losing my patience
For the time that you’ve wasted

Put your lips on my mouth
Put your lips on my mouth
Put your lips on my...

I wanna wear my hair wild in a mess
Cut off jeans, can you get with that?
Give you something like you’ve never had
Cus I only wanna be wanted by you
I wanna tease you till you’re begging me
And you’re on your knees
And it’s hard to breathe
And every other time is just a memory
Cus I only wanna be wanted by you

A Mini-explosion...read at your own risk! LOL

It's been a rough week so now it is time to vent ...where to begin? Perhaps I will begin with the most recent. I am sooooo sick and tired of other websites trying to steal my content to boost their own ratings and popularity. I work my ass off on my sites and articles, creating ORIGINAL content for my visitors. Content that is EXCLUSIVE. Yet these other sites think, oh, I will give you a link back, let me have your 20+ hours of work (not to mention my knowledge) per article for free so I can have more traffic. What does some lame link mean to me? What? Yeah, their visitors are going to come to my site AFTER they've read all of my content already? I am not an idiot. I've been at this for a long time and I know the crooked thiefs on the internet and how they operate. Therefore, no one gets one drip of my content legally. Ever. And when I find those who steal my work, I DO PURSUE THEM. So if any thiefs are here reading this, you will have me on your ass faster than you can blink if I catch you.

I am generally an easy-going sort of person, but don't f*ck with my babies...this includes my children, my sites, and my writing. Venus suddenly turns into Medusa with a flaming sword, LOL.

Then...wow, this Mercury retro has been a major bitch for work. I have realized that it isn't me creating the issues during the retro, but rather customers who give the wrong address, forget to order something, fail to go to the post office to pick up their packages, and all sorts of other things. I have had to deal with so, so many such occurrences this past week and to be honest, I am fed up and on the verge of a major explosion. Therefore, I need a break. BAD.

So here is a mini-explosion in this blog to hopefully get me through the rest of the day and week.

The only good thing this weekend has been a lovely photo one of my clients sent me. He said he took it just for me, which made me smile. I have asked his permission to share it in my blog so others can see the beauty and he was kind enough to grant it.



This amazing photo was taken by Paulo Jorge Borges Miranda, an astro-client and friend. It is of Ladeira da Velha, in the Azores. It was a bright spot in a dismal weekend full of nothing but aggravation and my nose to the grindstone for over 14 hours a day. BUT the good news is that I am almost caught up with everything and should soon have an hour to breathe again.

A poem is finally forming within but is not ready to show itself quite yet.

I give thanks for another day of loving

“Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”

~Kahlil Gibran

*sigh*

There is a new poem up called "I Am In The Air, Mercurial"...it is VERY short! But I like it anyhow.

This is why I love my life...

I am deeply touched tonight; so much so that I have tears in my eyes as I write this here to myself. So often we do not take the time to be thankful for our life, for those moments that bless us although they must end...for the memories we have shared over our lifetime with our friends, family, and loved ones. I feel a deep sense of connection to all that is, to those I love, to those I've had to let go, and for every particle of life that is. All that is.

What has brought this mood upon me? I think it is a combination of things. We watched the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and then I sat down to check emails. In my email was a message from a complete and total stranger - a website visitor. A man from another country who does not speak English fluently but his words hit me so deeply...his pain even now welling up through me. His heart breaking; his fear holding him back from the woman he loves. I work with these situations every day but there is something more wrenching when a man can admit such things to me, a total stranger, due to something I have written and shared. I am so happy to be able to help others with my own pain and my own experiences. It just simply makes the tragedies I have lived through worth it. Every single one of them. And I know so deep within my own being that no matter what else I must face in the future, it too will be worth it if I can turn it around to touch just one other Soul and bring them a sense of understanding and faith.

This is why I love my life...this sense of truly making a difference on a level that goes beyond words. It is all worth it - every life, every wound, every death, every touch and kiss, every loss. These things weave a Soul into being.

I Get Off...and other gems, lol

Not much to say, just putting up some new music to write to! ;)

Uranian madness!

How amazing life is when Uranus is active...simply amazing. I never know what I will wake up to day to day. I think the only real way to keep one's sanity and deal with all the ups and downs and twists and turns is to LAUGH! Just laugh and laugh until you can't laugh anymore. That's what I do on roller coasters; laugh my ass off.

I laugh in the face of danger - ha ha ha roar (good ol' Lion King)

I am blessed, I know that I am and even while the great majority of those I care about the most are far from me, they are always in my heart. I have been touched so many times so deeply...and lately, when the floor is starting to shift out from under my feet, I have found that 'angels' are supporting me. I have never known what it is like to have someone truly be there for me when I need someone...I have never before known what it was like to have emotional support of any kind other than what I've been able to provide for myself. I think this must mean I have 'graduated' from a specific school of Soul torture. Progress...hell yes! And while I still fall into black moods, they do not last very long at all (see my last blog!).

No matter what, I get by, I survive, and I do it with a smile...even if I have to shed a few tears first I know that I will be smiling shortly, so that tears are nothing but a release...a flow.

Sometimes I still feel very alone but I know that is just an illusion. There are a few like myself out there and I have found them - or they me - and that gives a sense of solidarity when I must deal with the 'others'. It helps me to be a little more patient, a little more tolerant, and I am practicing tolerance and compassion as much as possible these days. It is still a MAJOR struggle to not want to smack the crap out of other drivers 20+ times a day, but at least I am no longer cursing them verbally quite so much as I used to. I am trying (very hard) to accept that YES, Stupidity is a fact of life. I am also learning to accept that YES, the great majority of the population see nothing but themselves nor do they care to be open to other perspectives. And I am working on accepting that many of those who think they are Spiritual and compassionate are just as selfish, egotistical, and ignorant of the feelings of others as those who do not put on such pretenses.

Beyond all that, I am doing what I can to make self-adjustments and not worry so much about what others are doing. Either they fit into my flow or they do not - and vice versa. No crimps in the wire please, lol.

I give thanks for all I am and all that I will be...thanks for my real friends (especially those elite who communicate and work on the same plane as I do), for those who try to help even if they can't, for my clients, and my children.

Sending love to those who can receive it and even those who can't! To those who have hurt me, to those who have lied to and deceived me, to those who want to kill me, to those who think I am crazy, to those who fear me...to everyone. As I said, Uranus is all about LAUGHING...Laugh hysterically and just enjoy the irony, the free falls, the pitch-black tunnels, all of it!

Dena

PS There's a poem I posted a few days back called "A Motif Foreign"

Homo cogitat, Deu indicat

I feel I shall implode or evaporate. The complexities of my thoughts are enigmatic and sullen, intense and quiet. There are no tears, no, and no words to express my mood. I do not want to analyze it nor do I want to fall into the black cloud that awaits. Many things are running through my mind, many so quickly they could never be captured. How I long for the calm of the past few weeks. I have begun a poem (as all decidedly tortured souls do) but it is thus far 3 lines:

I sigh into you,
A deep caress of the soul outbound
Entering the flesh of the world in near-silence

That is all and anything more would be forced. So here I am typing away to myself in search of...what? A drop of wisdom...a theory...some type of viewpoint to cling to? Or do I simply need to save myself or calm my mind? Winds and torrential rain, damp earth, and the scent of the past. This and nothing more. All that is. The earth and the sky, the music of lightning, of worms moving through soil...

How I wonder what it would be like to be a more simple person...to crave less, to cherish more. To accept the 'lot' given and not be driven, ceaselessly driven to be more, to give more, to live more. To not have bouts of existential angst.

And two more lines:

I sigh into you,
A deep caress of the soul outbound
Entering the flesh of the world in near-silence,
A potent mist embalmed, a forgotten shadow
Dedicated to fields of glory, blood-stained.

This too shall pass.

Homo cogitat, Deu indicat

Don't ever forget it.

Is love so fragile...

I'm in yet another sort of soft and romantic of mood...so I will share the lyrics to one of the most enduring love songs (duet) ever...love it. I have also posted a new poem on the website that I like quite a bit - Wild and Windswept

Leather & Lace
Stevie Nicks & Don Henley

Is love so fragile...
And the heart so hollow
Shatter with words...
Impossible to follow
Youre saying I'm fragile... I try not to be
I search only... for something I can't see

I have my own life... and I am stronger
Than you know
But I carry this feeling
When you walked into my house
That you won't be walking out the door
Still I carry this feeling
When you walked into my house
That you won't be walking out the door

Lovers forever... face to face
My city or mountains
Stay with me stay
I need you to love me
I need you today
Give to me your leather...
Take from me... my lace

You in the moonlight
With your sleepy eyes
Could you ever love a man like me
And you were right
When I walked into your house
I knew I'd never want to leave
Sometimes I'm a strong man
Sometimes cold and scared
And sometimes I cry
But that time I saw you
I knew with you to light my nights
Somehow Id get by
First time I saw you
I knew with you to light my nights
Somehow I would get by

Lovers forever... face to face
My city or mountains
Stay with me stay
I need you to love me
I need you today
Give to me your leather...
Take from me... my lace

Lovers forever... face to face
My city or mountains
Stay with me stay
I need you to love me
I need you to stay
Give to me your leather
Take from me... my lace
Take from me... my lace
Take from me... my lace

Imagery of Fire & Flame

I've been thinking about how often the imagery of fire and flame appears in my writing as well as my imagination and thoughts...I wouldn't say that I use it more than anything else, but quite often, especially when writing somewhat erotic pieces. It's not unusual, I suppose, but I come from a very - let's just say - HEATED history and still, to this day, smell fire or feel heat when there isn't anything obvious happening or showing. When I was little I would get up in the night searching for fires quite often and that still happens occasionally because I really do smell it. I have a very sensitive sense of smell and this may explain some of it.

I like to sit and watch flames dance, just sit in the quiet watching in a somewhat meditative state. I do this with candles and fireplaces and rarely (these days) bon fires. It can be used as a door into deeper parts of myself or connect me to the Universe so I can receive messages. It may be my so-called 'lack' of fire in my chart (I have to laugh about that though, as I can be very fiery - I do truly count my Aries DSC and my first house planets), or it may be my history. Perhaps a combination of things...but what I am dancing around is my quest to understand why I so often use fire in erotic works. The passion? The feeling of being consumed? Dying such a glorious 'death'...or the desire to be so intensely involved with a special someone that it feels as if we are so hot for one another that we ARE on fire?

Yes, I know, I can be a bit of a dreamer but I do have intense needs and desires. Yet I am a realist enough to understand that no one can actually set the sheets on fire (or can they? lol)...nor would I truly want to catch fire (again) but it is a sensual, consuming image and I like it.

LOL...this is how my mind works, in twists and turns until I come to the conclusion. All that jabber lead me back to a simple "sensual, consuming image and I like it." There's the answer.

So...I have a new poem up called Falling Away in Ashes with, yes, fire and flames and burning consumption...

Cool misty mornings and fog on the rocks in the evening

I am in a very soft and sensual mood...a poetic mood but not so much with a need to write it but rather to have it written for me or read to me. Something to touch me so deeply that I will catch my breath and daydream for hours. I am a blessed woman. I am so very loved and even in the moments I forget, my dear friends are there hiding in the shadows, just waiting for a moment to give me more love. And how I love them too, oh so much.

Life can be rough...it isn't always easy to be a starving artist (or starving astrologer), but in my quiet moments I know I how blessed I am in so many ways, even if I have yet to maintain a solid material base, lol.

Today is one of my dearest and oldest (wow, 25 years we've known one another!) friend's birthday and he took his time to give me this tidbit of poetic affection (after telling me how FL does not suit me): your vibe is totally cool misty mornings and fog on the rocks in the evening

I do not know why but I truly love that description of myself...I see how accurate it is...something wild, uncontrollable, permeating, and yet soft all at once. Even the fog on rocks fits well...underneath my soft, yielding, inherently loving self is a streak of solid and immovable, steadfast will - a rock core.

I am listening to Carli Bruni. I absolutely adore her voice. Right now it is "Le Ciel Dans une Chambre (Il Cielo in Una Stanza)."

When I am in such a mood I read poetry...not just 'famous' poets, but also poets like myself, those who write because they need to or want to. Actually, that is pretty much all poets, even the ones who eventually become well known (generally after they are dead!). So tonight I have been reading the works of others on Author's den and found this absolute gem, which I hope you will enjoy too.


Her Middle Name is Music
by Gene Williamson
Friday, June 05, 2009
　
I like the rhythm in her walk,
I like the tempo in her talk,
the crescendo when she kisses me.
She’s a living, loving melody,
a Grand ‘Ol Opry jamboree.
Her middle name is music.

She’s an operatic aria,
a philharmonic orchestra,
an anatomic symphony,
a rhapsody at Carnegie.

I like her syncopated hips,
the heart-shaped music on her lips,
Read the rest here!

Ahhh...

I'm going to go sink further into Bruni's voice now.

Sweet love,

Dena

I wandered lonely as a cloud...yet the blessings are blessed

There has been a shift within myself over the past several days and it is truly amazing how I can feel myself growing and shifting psychologically and spiritually. This is a whole new level of awareness and I feel I am morphing into an ever-higher loving presence. I know, I know...95% of the population won't have any clue what I am saying here but the other 5% will. It is a gift, is it not? A true blessing.

Life is perhaps the most unsettled it has been since 1995 and yet I feel centered and calm much of the time, ready to face whatever I must and to let go when I need to. I have been a gifted healer for a long time and I am done hiding that from the world...whether or not it is ready for it remains to be seen. Fear has no place where I am heading.

I have been a little lonely as everyone I care to interact with has been away or ill or preoccupied with work...but it has allowed me to push forward hard and develop my new website, which is still untitled. I may simply use my own name for the .com. You can see it by clicking here I am sharing the banner below but I have no clue how to link it on this blog site!



Today we went to the Florida Aquarium...it is very nice but quite overpriced for a less than 2 hour visit (and we were going very slow and taking it all in!). Gare had fun...I took a picture of him with a goliath grouper behind him, lol. Here are a few pics from today:





I love Seahorses...the super-dads of the world! My other pics of the sea dragons didn't turn out great due to the lighting in the place and you can't use flash.

I received my copy of my latest poetry book today and I am very happy with it...I think it is my strongest work even though it only focuses on one topic - heartbreak and painful love, lol. Ahh, well...I needed to close that chapter in my life and I did. The work was very healing and releasing for me, which is now why I am able to grow so quickly.

We need a poem...here is one of my favorite Wordsworth's, which suits my mood tonight splendidly.

I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

William Wordsworth


May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

With Love,

Dena

Each Death Draws Us Closer - Dark and Erotic Love Poetry

I'm pleased to announce that my latest collection is now available...if you'd like a copy email me at Dena@throughnightsfire.com and I will send a code you can use for a discount :)

From Lulu.com (not available on Amazon yet, but Burning Constellations is now - take a look! Just type my name into the search and my 1st 3 collections will come up):

Each Death Draws Us Closer explores the intense, darker side of erotic love and the depth of emotions that are stirred when passionate love borders on obsession. This is a work of Dark Love Poetry...when a relationship falters or when one feels abused or abandoned by a lover, darker emotions may creep into our thoughts...Dena L Moore explores these emotions through the imagery of Blood, Bones, Crypt, & Sea.

Front Cover:



And a sample from this work:

Each Death Draws Us Closer

‘Tis my blood I give you, darkling,
Pulsating there at the base of my throat…
Let your lips linger, so warm against my flesh,
Hands cradling my head as you feed,
Devouring me in the early morning hours.
The thrust of your teeth mimics the dance of our hips,
Penetrating to the very depths of my Spirit,
So deep…plunging into the ocean of my wilderness -
(I surround you)
Tight and hot shroud drawing closer and closer,
Pulling you…urging you to one of many deaths -
(You shudder, your voice shattered)
I welcome the taste of your mystery,
The sweet smell of mingled pain, beautiful tears,
And otherworldly laughter…
We raise the sky together, set the chariot’s course,
The Moon and the Sun -
Flesh of my flesh,
Blood of my blood moving inside of me,
Burrowing through thick mist and heavy rains.

‘Tis my Soul I give you, darkling,
Each death draws us closer…
We will never part.

Dena L Moore
July 20, 2008

Love in the darkness,

Dena

God(dess) Bless the USA - The American Flag

From the Lakes of Minnesota to the hills of Tennessee, across the plains of Texas, from Sea to shining Sea, from Detroit down to Houston and New York to LA....

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God Bless the USA!

Happy 233rd Birthday, America!

The American Flag

When Freedom from her mountain height
Unfurled her standard to the air
She tore the azure robe of night
And set the stars of glory there!

She mingled with its gorgeous dyes
The milky baldric of the skies,
And striped its pure celestial white
With streakings of the morning light;

Then, from his mansion in the sun,
She called her eagle-bearer down,
And gave into his mighty hand,
The symbol of her chosen land.

Flag of the brave! thy folds shall fly
The sign of hope and triumph high!
When speaks the signal-trumpet tone
And the long line comes gleaming on.

Ere yet the life-blood, warm and wet,
Has dimmed the glistening bayonet
Each soldier eye shall brightly turn
To where thy sky-born glories burn,
And as his springing steps advance,
Catch war and vengeance from the glance;

And when the cannon-mouthings loud
Heaven in wild wreaths the battle-shroud
And gory sabers rise and fall,
Like shoots of flame on midnight's pall;

Then shall thy meteor-glances glow,
And cowering foes shall sink beneath
Each gallant arm that strikes below
That lovely messenger of death.

Flag of the seas! on ocean wave
Thy stars shall glitter o'er the brave;
When death. careening on the gale,
Sweeps darkly round the bellied sail,

And frighted waves rush wildly back
Before the broadside's reeling rack,
Each dying wanderer of the sea
Shall look at once to heaven and thee.
And smile to see thy splendors fly
In triumph o'er his closing eye.

Flag of the free heart's hope and home,
By angel hands to valor given!
Thy stars have lit the welkin dome,
And all thy hues were born in heaven.

Forever float that standard sheet!
Where breathes the foe but falls before us,
When Freedom's soil beneath our feet,
And Freedom's banner streaming o'er us!"

Joseph Rodman Drake
1795–1820

Each breath I take has the potential...

I am in the process of becoming...each breath I take has the potential to bring a new perspective...every time I exhale I am connected with all that is. I have reached a crossroad in my growth, a point where I can see the land unfolding before me in the distance, undulating and beautiful, like cherry blossoms in the spring or the sweet laughter of a child at play. This is the path I wish to take, to tread lightly upon yet remain grounded in form. It is not that I haven't been on path up until now because certainly I have, although I have chosen a very rocky and unsteady road to travel upon...but if I continue upon this road it will only become steeper and more dangerous. I am sure many of you have seen road signs in a mountainous area that says "Watch for falling rocks." Well, I have no desire to be one of those rocks crashing unceremoniously.

My main obstacle now - which I have been aware of for several years - is basically my health. Without that, we have nothing. And I have struggled with several health issues that I know, without a doubt, can be healed through diet. I have experience with implementing dietary interventions for both myself and my son but I tend to fall off the boat when stress becomes too much. When the bank account is empty and little is flowing to me, it becomes a major struggle because, let's face it, it is much cheaper to eat fast food or carbohydrates than it is to nourish ourselves with organic fruits and vegetables and free-range or grass-fed meats. Modern food is addictive and the dietary guidelines provided, at least here in the US, are ridiculously misleading. I know what I need to do diet-wise to heal myself and to become the healthy, glowing individual I wish to be...I see the potential but have yet to develop a smooth-flowing source of income that would support these changes. I love my work and am developing several new things but these things take time.

Once I heal myself physically I know I will move more toward healing others physically. I see a wide open gap that I can help fill and once I complete my studies - both bookwise, in the field, and with my Self healing - I will be a very valuable source for others. I feel myself moving further and further away from working with relationships but it tends to go in a spiral sort of cycle. It no longer holds the fascination or the challenge it once did. When I'm bored, I must move on...only the karma and soul growth aspects of the work are interesting now.

Please send me a few new Soul paths or Karmic Synastry readings soon!

I've been told it takes courage to write about my personal challenges and life in my blogs but I don't know...I feel that I connect more powerfully to the Universe and to the web of life through sharing myself with the world in this context. I have little need to prove myself to others or indeed, to hide myself from others. I feel that by genuinely expressing my own being that it helps others realize that they too can be who they are without fear. The trouble with the world is that most care way too much what others think of them...and people criticize and judge others harshly usually because they are projecting part of themself outward on the other. The one who irritates you the most is the one who is expressing a characteristic that is also your own, only demonized or kept as a shadow by one's personality/ego. What we do not understand, we have a tendency to fear...this is why so many have feared me, because they do not understand me. I do not fit in with the general population, the societal mindframe, or the expectations of others. This has caused me great grief at times in my life where others have attacked me or tried to change me. I have been critical of others in the past and I have worked long and hard with this lesson myself. It was very difficult when I was younger to not fear those who do not resonate with me - certainly any young child or teenager or even young adult would fear those who feared them and threatened them! So while they were attacking me, I in turn would critcize them either openly (rarely) or within my own being. I did not understand that it was I who was the threat to them! I felt I was being unfairly ostracized but while this may break others and cause them to become what others want them to be in order to lessen the pain, it did not break me because I am very pig-headed and very rebellious. The more others wanted to break me, the more fearful I truly became as I became a negative source of power. In retrospect I can clearly see now where I created my own obstacles and erected my own fortress around my heart and being. Yet I do not blame myself for what was, nor do I harbor any regrets for the struggles have created who I am today. I can truly and clearly say that I love myself. I love my eccentricities and the flukes in my personality, things that give me much to smile about and work on or bridge. Now that I understand why others do the things they do I am much less critical of their failings. It helps to keep in mind "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

I have been distracted by a phone call from the school and am now feeling quiet...so let me share a poem with you instead:

The Happiest Day, The Happiest Hour

The happiest day- the happiest hour
My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,
The highest hope of pride and power,
I feel hath flown.

Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;
But they have vanish'd long, alas!
The visions of my youth have been-
But let them pass.

And, pride, what have I now with thee?
Another brow may even inherit
The venom thou hast pour'd on me
Be still, my spirit!

The happiest day- the happiest hour
Mine eyes shall see- have ever seen,
The brightest glance of pride and power,
I feel- have been:

But were that hope of pride and power
Now offer'd with the pain
Even then I felt- that brightest hour
I would not live again:

For on its wing was dark alloy,
And, as it flutter'd- fell
An essence- powerful to destroy
A soul that knew it well.

Edgar Allan Poe

Poker Face...and a poem

Hmmmm...wow, not sure why I like this Lady GaGa song so much but I do! It is truly a song to dance to, can't even sit still while I'm typing, lol. A clash of the 'mainstream' with the 'goth' sort of sound behind it, which I love both anyhow. And metaphor...ahhhh...although the lyrics seem light, and at points too lighthearted for the heavier sound, it is the metaphor and the beat that is truly 'art' when combined. Anyhow, I'd love to really get right down to it listening to this...LOL...one track mind. Blame my Scorpio moon...or Mercury/Pluto conjunction...and yes, I can play the 'poker face' when I need to! Too much Pluto in me to not be able to do that.

I'm a rambler tonight...let me mention, before I forget, that a poem finally erupted out of me this morning and is posted on the site: Water and Stone, Ice and Flame

Ahhh...well, I have no one to talk to and I am sooooo chatty. Poor Sonja is hurting and I wore her out the past two nights with my jabber...we had a great Astro-chat though. At least I didn't keep her up until 3 am last night for once. I am supposed to be working but I don't feel like it. I went out to lunch with my two lovely sisters - first time in a very long time it was just us - and had a good talk and that sort of set the current mood. But who am I kidding, I woke up needing to communicate, and out popped the poem. Tonight is 'movie night' with Gare, so that will be nice. He just came over and I made him listen to Poker Face and he said he hates it. LOL He always says he hates stuff and then I catch him singing it later on.

Not sure if I put any vacation photos in the blog yet (and can't check without publishing) so I think I will share a few. The 3rd is Cold Mountain (taken from the Blue Ridge Parkway), which is the mtn we stayed on. The 2nd is Looking Glass Falls in the Pisgah National Forest. The 1st is a very erotic statue/fountain of Persephone I found on a walk in Charleston. I have so many more pics, just haven't made them small enough to share yet. I've promised my friends on myspace to get them around but that hasn't happened!!





Love in the darkness...let's dance...

The tension of becoming...or not...

"You're everywhere to me, when I close my eyes it's you I see.
You're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone."

A few lines from "Everywhere" by Michelle Branch...to me this is an incredibly powerful spiritual song, whether or not it was written and performed as such. Sometimes all I have is my relationship to Spirit and I suppose, in the end, that is all any of us truly have and I am blessed to have it. There are times when I question my direction and I know that I must simply let go and let higher power work through me but it is not easy, not at all, to relinquish working toward the dreams and basic desires that we all, in body, share. And I am very firmly entrenched in body despite fighting it for the majority of this life! It seems an odd catch-22 that I must deal with a body but am to face life from a perspective of not being my own person with my own dreams but rather a voice and a channel and a priest and... Erosion of the ego, I suppose.

I am feeling quite sad tonight...sad and alone, though not alone...never that. When I am feeling this way I can quite understand why some monks used to flog themselves...the pain of the body takes away the pain of the emotions and the longing for what they cannot enjoy. I can understand why those who do not have a strong link to Spirit (and perhaps the body itself) take their own lives when they feel such unbearable pain. But oh, it's nothing new to me, no...not new at all. I wanted to write a poem but nothing would come out...the few bits that did were too like prior works. I can't even find release that way at the moment, lol. Yet despite the pain and sadness, I keep on the happy, understanding, comforting face so others can have their needs met while mine go, as always, unfulfilled.

My lips would be wet with your kisses...

Right about now you'd be saying sweet nothings,
and I'd be hanging on your every word
My lips would be wet with your kisses,
and we'd be lost in our own little world

Right about now, I'd be feeling your heart beat
and your fingers touching my skin
Oh, what I wouldn't give to be back in your arms somehow
Oh, Right about now

Right about now, you'd promise forever
and swear I hadn't felt nothing yet
Then you'd pull me a little bit closer
and I'd play just hard enough to get

Right about now, we'd be under the covers
making love that knew no shame
What I wouldn't do to be with you somehow
Right about now

Baby

Now the clock on the wall keeps ticking
oh but time's sure been passing slow
And it's myself that I've been kicking
for ever letting you go

But darling, you know where to find me
should you have a change of heart
I sure could use a little of you no doubt
Right about now

I sure could use you, baby, right about now
Since you've been gone there's nothing, right about now.
I sure do need your touching right about now
Right about now

Tanya Tucker : Right About Now Lyrics
Songwriters: Rick Bowles; Jeff Silbar

I love this song and know that feeling of longing so very well. I am in a soft, nearly sad yet sensual sort of mood.I know, I know...I'm a strange one. I could try to write something but it is easier to listen to music, lol! Maybe when I'm done putting up the new candles I have in.

The song of the sea...it calls to me

Today is a creative day...I felt it the moment my eyes opened this morning. A dreamy haze-like day but one in which I must also work and conquer a few things in preparation for a difficult day tomorrow. So I began my day with a poem, which I have already posted on the site, called No Thunderous Dance. Then I read several poems, finally settling on two by Sara Teasdale (is is Sarah with an h or without? I've seen it both ways!). The one on the website is her work "Come" - short but strong. And below is "Ebb Tide"...I may have shared this one before!

Ebb Tide

When the long day goes by
And I do not see your face,
The old wild, restless sorrow
Steals from its hiding place.

My day is barren and broken,
Bereft of light and song,
A sea beach bleak and windy
That moans the whole day long.

To the empty beach at ebb tide,
Bare with its rocks and scars,
Come back like the sea with singing,
And light of a million stars.

Sarah Teasdale


My mind has been playing with an image of Persephone I saw in Charleston a few days ago - a bronze statue - that I really liked a lot. I am not yet sure what will come from this image but it is symbolic and touching something within that should arise in some form, be it a memory or a poem or some other creative work. Despite the seeming importance, I only took one photo! Luckily it turned out all right :D

I'm in a place where all things seem tinted with a touch of gold and pink, at least within myself, for the moment. I am not sure if I am happy or sad or in a state of inner peace, no matter how temporary. But I go to the chiro soon and then must come back down to Earth and get busy with what must be done, no matter how boring or mundane.

Surrender to the Universe (or at least the music!)

When all is dark, I have faith there will be light again...when the clouds fade the path will be clear...this I say, this I know, as I will it, it will be so :)

It's been a rough few days and I suspect it will be a challenging summer, but all I can do is go with the flow and surrender to the Universe.

I am not writing much lately as I have been too involved with work and the necessities of living...I do not have much time for me, as it were. I have developed a new passion, which is belly dancing! LOL I wish I had more time for it and my spine would cooperate more, but I am slowly learning and enjoying it. I feel very at home with the movements and do have decent isolation due to practicing yoga off and on for years...but it will take time and it is for me anyhow, so it doesn't much matter how long it takes. I need to get a big mirror though so I can watch rather than just feel - which I am doing currently.

It is so hot here, very oppressive.

Listening to this belly dancing song called Naweam by Mohamed V. I think it is my favorite of all the hundred or so I've heard so far. It definitely gets me moving! So have to go now and move! lol

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

Ahhh...what tired, aching feet!! But it WAS a great day and Gare was soooo happy. Love making him happy. Can't believe he is 10 (TEN) years old already!!!

We've been at Epcot all day for his birthday...just got him to bed. Love him soooooo much. Here's a few pictures from today:

Pink Camelias??

Well, I am no expert but I think that the plant I've thought of as a Gardenia all these years is actually a CAMELIA. Why did I think it was Gardenia? Because the fool I bought the house from told me he planted it and it was a Gardenia...and as they look somewhat similar, I never bothered really researching it. But this Pink Gardenia thing has been confusing me for a few years now (they don't exist, to my knowledge...but it appeared I had a mutant)...after doing some research today I think I actually have white Camelias that for some unknown reason decided to start spouting out a few bright pink ones over the past few years. I have a picture on the post below...if anyone wants to confirm that this is a camelia (or a gardenia) I'd love to have some other opinions.

What would cause a white camelia plant to have the occasional pink flower??

Catching up...non-news for the very bored...

Well, I've been working very hard and have managed to develop a few things in my absence. I've also written a number of poems that I simply failed to post or at least comment on here. The latest one is called "Natural Love" and is posted on the website.

It's been relatively quiet...nothing much to remark upon personally during the current Venus retro (yet) other than hearing from a few old friends. Funny how every recent horoscope I've read (by others) over the past month or so is so inaccurate and far off mark that it is ridiculous. What do these people think they are talking about? I wonder sometimes if they even see the same freakin' sky that I do!! I'm sort of sick of the happy upbeat interpretations of crap planetary configurations... it's great to be positive, but hey, can't we be REALISTIC at the same time??

I've been back into very fresh cooking and gardening the past couple of weeks and have gotten myself a 'pet' on myspace (a dragon) called Gandalf the Freak. I love him. The children had the first day of FCAT today and will finish up tomorrow, so Gare's been quite stressed. I haven't been very social outside of my family but I have spent more time with my sisters and partner and children...it is finally nice out during the daytime here so we've been taking walks along the Gulf and in various parks and have been cooking out a few times already. Tonight we had a heart attack waiting to happen in the form of a very delicious steak...we even ate out on the patio for the second time in the past week. The hibiscus seem happy despite the current drought and my gardenias fill the early morning air with their scent. I had another PINK gardenia this year (and yes, I did take a photo to prove it!)



SEE?? Serious, these things don't exist according to the research I've done...YET here it is, the 3rd pure pink one I've had. The first two were in 2006, then in 2007 and 2008 I had several white with pink (have those this year too), and now in 2009 I had another pink one. It's just great...smelled amazing. Leave it to me to harbor a mutant strain of gardenia...I always have loved the outcasts and the weirdos of the world. Yes, I speak of men too...damn crazy fools I've been involved with, LOL.

In other non-news, I have become addicted to this computer game called Kudos. I have two characters I play with, one is a Senior Biologist and one is a Doctor. They started out at 20 with nothing, working as a waitress. The Doctor is always so stressed! And my Senior Biologist's friends always want to get her drunk. The Senior Biologist is in a serious relationship and has been for over 2 years now. I am starting to get bored with it all but I REALLY want to find out if they ever get married in this game. Now I think I may want to get the SIMS but to be honest, I really need to not do that as I may lose my title of workaholic if I don't spend every waking moment working. Actually I am in a process of bringing more balance back into my life and it feels good.

The cold and sparkling silver of the sea...

I stole the title to this entry from the following poem by Sara Teasdale, which called to me so clearly today. How I do enjoy her work.

I Thought of You

I thought of you and how you love this beauty,
And walking up the long beach all alone
I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder
As you and I once heard their monotone.

Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me
The cold and sparkling silver of the sea,
We two will pass through death and ages lengthen
Before you hear that sound again with me.

Sara Teasdale

This is the way of love,
how it grows and shifts...two lines from my poem, This is How I Love You Now

Today is calm and quiet but not much is getting done. I've been daydreaming of traveling and came across an article on bogs and that led me to Glenullin, Gleann An lolair, in Northern Ireland. While reading the information on the Iron Age culture my longing and love for the rushing cold waves of the North Atlantic crashed over me. I would like to return to the stark and quiet beauty eventually.

I have posted a new poem today called "The Bones the Soul of this Religion"

A Blackened Room

I have written a few poems and posted them since I wrote last. I just haven't had much time for poetry or more personal things as work is keeping me hopping with several new and returning clients. I wrote a new one this morning called "A Blackened Room," which you can read on the website.

I have a new laptop that is really just fine...optimized for HD TV, with 3G...am really enjoying it. All the better to work with, my dear.

It appears that my trip to Scotland will have to be postponed now due to the expense of the air ticket and the nasty weather over there and up north. No way am I going to get stranded in the Newark Airport for 2 days again...nope. Instead I am planning a trip down to Key West, complete with a ghost tour and a visit to the Key West Cemetery, the southernmost point of the US, the Ernest Hemingway Home, the Robert Frost cottage, and certainly more. I considered going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans but think I'd prefer a quieter break, lol. Hopefully I will come back with a few new poetic works to share. So here's one I enjoy by Robert Frost:

Ghost House

I dwell in a lonely house I know
That vanished many a summer ago,
And left no trace but the cellar walls,
And a cellar in which the daylight falls,
And the purple-stemmed wild raspberries grow.

O'er ruined fences the grape-vines shield
The woods come back to the mowing field;
The orchard tree has grown one copse
Of new wood and old where the woodpecker chops;
The footpath down to the well is healed.

I dwell with a strangely aching heart
In that vanished abode there far apart
On that disused and forgotten road
That has no dust-bath now for the toad.
Night comes; the black bats tumble and dart;

The whippoorwill is coming to shout
And hush and cluck and flutter about:
I hear him begin far enough away
Full many a time to say his say
Before he arrives to say it out.

It is under the small, dim, summer star.
I know not who these mute folk are
Who share the unlit place with me--
Those stones out under the low-limbed tree
Doubtless bear names that the mosses mar.

They are tireless folk, but slow and sad,
Though two, close-keeping, are lass and lad,--
With none among them that ever sings,
And yet, in view of how many things,
As sweet companions as might be had.

Robert Frost

No new poetry....

YET...thank that damn slave driver who's had my nose to the grindstone for the past several days. I've achieved amazing feats of work...the list for today was hellacious and I thought I would never complete it. Guess what?? I DID and it is just 9 pm!! I need a pat on the back...but the next several days will be just as grueling, except Saturday I am taking half a day off to take my daughter out for her 16th birthday. 16?? WTF, I do not know where all that time flew away to. LOL Got to love it. Her bday is on Friday.

Oh, yeah, the slave driver is ME. Believe me, you would never ever in a million years want to work beneath me. Ever. Not unless you are a glutton for punishment and get off on being pushed to achieve to utmost of your humanly capability. An occasional project would be ok, I would be somewhat lenient if you can impress me with your genius or make me laugh. But as a regular employee? Nope, you would be expected to exert as much energy as I do, every day that I do.

I have a few more of the audio poems up. I decided to put up a few old ones from the collections. Hopefully I will have something new to share soon.

Sea Stealing Shore...plus...

I am trying out this audio poetry thing...it is taking a lot of disk space on the website so I think I will have to just do a few then switch them out instead of building a big vocal library. Or...I can fork out more money monthly for more space but as my poetry doesn't really bring in much money it doesn't make fiscal sense. lol Well if I take off some of the photos I will have more room for the audio stuff. It's an experiment.

My latest poem is called "Sea Stealing Shore" and is currently posted on the website, both in written and audio form.

I'm juggling several new things all at once, some exciting and some blah...we will see how my new projects turn out. I am always full of ideas but unfortunately I am only one person and can't even begin to take advantage of all that blossoms in my mind. Sometimes I wish I could clone myself but then we'd all try to be in charge of each other, LOL No, not good, not good at all!

This Is How I Love You Now

Funny how this poem (the title of this blog) came to me, nudging me from my sleep...I had been up for about an hour (from 5:30 am - 6:30 am) and went back to bed. I was nearly asleep, on the edge of sinking in, when suddenly the first line of this poem came to me, followed by several others. Usually when this happens I allow them to dance around in there and then I fall asleep anyhow, which means the lines will be lost. This morning I just felt I had to capture this, so I stumbled around in the dark and found a pen and my beautiful Italian leather bound journal imprinted with "The Allegory of Spring" by Sandro Boticelli. Actually it just has the Muses from that painting. This journal was given to me as a gift from a client a few years ago. It is so beautiful I hesitated to write in it for a while but then took it to Scotland with me and began writing in it then. But this new poem has the honor of being written in this beautiful journal, hand scratched in the dark. Yes, I do write in the dark sometimes, lol.

I do like this poem, not sure exactly why I like it so much as it came in very easily and there it is. I was even thinking I might like to record this one, but we will see...

I've also updated the site with a beautiful poem called "If You Forget Me" by Pablo Neruda.

No, dear, I am not the Antichrist

So, so sorry to disappoint...LOL. Seriously, some idiot typed my name into goggle asking if I was the Antichrist. At first I wasn't sure whether to worry or laugh but as you can see, laughter won. I really have to wonder how many dumbass people there are in the world. I am a human, just like everyone else. I have my sorrows and my joys, my good times, and my bad...and I definitely am not powerful enough to be the Antichrist nor would I ever want to be. Nor am I a dark soul, just an older and more integrated one than most...I am wise enough to know that without dark there would be no light.

I'm still contemplating on whether my new design is too bright...I do like bright colors, ok...more or less ALL colors.

Today I have written a new poem called Each Star Stares Down It isn't a very cheery poem at all to kick off the New Year and sort of odd at that as I am in a wonderful mood! But what comes out, comes out and that's all there is to it. It started coming in while I was in the shower.

Well, I had the quietest Christmas of my life and enjoyed it very much. It was cold in Virginia, in the New River Valley, but not enough to snow. We did get to see remnants of snow along the river up in the higher elevations. We spent our time playing games, watching movies, watching the amazing sunsets from the front porch of our cottage, taking walks, and going on drives in the peaceful country. We had planned a Civil War daytrip on Sunday (the 28th) to Cloyd's Farm, the Dublin depot, and the site where they destoyed the bridge but my son wasn't feeling well so we had to nix it. Hopefully on our next visit we will be able to stop there. I actually slept very well and felt very at peace and reconnected with my children, my partner, and our Mother Earth in the quiet. I will share a few of my holiday pics here and there are more on the poetry sites front page.





Those pics were taken from the front porch. At night it was so dark, especially as the New Moon was Saturday (Dec 27th)...the sky was lit up with the constellations. It was the loveliest thing I've ever seen.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

We are on the road again...FINALLY! Oh, I can't stand being stuck in one place for so long and I am ecstatic to be on the road and traveling. We are currently in South Carolina, heading up to Virginia where we will hideaway for the next several days in peace and NO WORK! Imagine that, me not working. I know, it's crazy isn't it? The sky is falling, LOL

I won't even have an internet connection for days. This is what workaholics have to do to prevent themselves from working. Someone better hide the blackberry too.

Happy Holidays! I will be silent for a while now but I am gleeful and with my little loves.

Ho, Ho, Ho...a right jolly old elf

Yeah, right...LOL. Trying to be jolly, really I am. BUT, as SW says, I am instead BACK IN BLACK. Mourning that is...for what was, what could have been, what isn't, what shouldn't be, what won't be. It's amazing how much we've been through together over the past 4 1/2 years and no matter what happens, how mean we are to one another, how depressed we get (or help make each other when we are both moping) we stick it out or eventually right the ship. We are somehow friends/enemies, brother/sister, mother/father, counsel/patient, and at one point (in early 2006) almost lovers. I used to be offended with his womanizing, now I am just SO glad I did NOT get too deeply involved (as in, commitment or lovers). Funny how feelings morph through circumstance and time. It's like we are permanent thorns in each other's paw. Somehow it must be helping us both, in some way. This, my pretties, is the manifestation of his SATURN on my Moon/Venus/Jupiter. I know, astrology this, astrology that, blah blah blah. LOL It's my lifeline.

O Saturn Claus, O Saturn Claus (sing this to the tune of O, Christmas Tree)...

Oh, right...did you guess that I am TIRED?? I'm always crazy when I'm drained and needing to sleep. I do not need alcohol or drugs to be a fool, I can manage perfectly fine on my own with clogged up brain fluids and gluten, thank you very much. :-/

Tomorrow I have a very interesting consultation...I am actually looking forward to it! Plus this week I did an amazing job for a client and she has already used my advice to make things better in her relationship. I am so happy about that, I have not seen such a lovely relationship in a long time...just one I happened to be involved in recently but we all know what happened to that. If not, just pretend you do, lol...and I am back in black.

New poem from my convoluted mind, The Scent so Bittersweet

Also, a lovely little gem from EE Cummings is posted...though I do not like the lack of capitalization (it seriously does disturb me, I'm afraid), I do like the poem. I just have to make myself ignore the bits that bother me when I'm reading. I may be eccentric but yes, I am STILL a Super Virgo...just happens to be all in the 11th house (Uranus/Aquarius).

Now if only I could lay my finger alongside my nose, rise up the chimney, get in my magical reindeer pulled sleigh and take off, LOL

Ho Ho NO

Come on over next week and taste some goodies as I will be baking away this weekend. Chocolate Chip Oatmeal cookies here we come...my baby brother's favorite. Hope he likes them as that's all he's getting this year! Have to find my secret recipe first. I know it's here somewhere...

Destruction

New Poem up on the website, Destruction

Not very social today, may chat more later :)

Tonight....and the Wild Ride

Today/tonight there is a relatively 'rare' line-up with the Moon, Venus, and Jupiter in conjunction. If you have clear skies, take a peek. This line-up is the same as on the day I was born only this one is taking place in Capricorn rather than Scorpio, even the moon phase is the same - Crescent. Look up and find the Crescent moon, then close by you will see two bright objects - Venus and Jupiter. The occultation could be seen in Eastern Europe, I believe. The Moon has already moved on past (haven't bothered to look to see the exact time when, but it happened when it was daylight in the US) but is still in orb. Just checked and see that Venus has moved on too - Moon is at 27 Capricorn, Venus is at 23 Capricorn, and Jupiter is at 22 degrees...still in orb for those tiny ones being born tonight.

Picked up the new copy of Mountain Astrologer...I could not resist the title: The Wild Ride of 2009. Sounds like they are talking about my life!!! LOL

No new poetry, I have been driven into exhaustion by work and my goats.

Love in the darkness,

Dena

The dawn of a new day...

I'm in a much more positive space today, despite great worry about a few of my friends. I did help my counselor/reader the other night, so that was a wonderful feeling to wake up to. I am still in the early phases of healing but I know I will get there and be stronger for it.

I have spent the morning writing a new poem - A Whispering Breeze - and created a new shrine for those of us caught up in or wounded by a Saturn-Neptune Connection relationship. This relationship was my THIRD such Saturn/Neptune relationship...you'd think I would stay away from them like the plague by now, but no, I try, try again. Of course only those who have experienced them personally have any clue what it feels like, how you are drawn into it, how it feels so RIGHT. I work with these relationships all the time and the feelings and relationships are so familiar.

Shall I now vow NEVER AGAIN? Have I learned enough about it yet??? LOL

I saw online that there is SNOW in Virginia already, so it looks like we will indeed have a white Christmas on our short break there. We are escaping to the Blue Ridge foothills for Christmas this year...we will be WAY out in the boonies and I will turn OFF my blackberry and experience a little peace and quiet for a few days. I can assure you that the world will still turn without me, though you'd think the sky was falling every time I disappear for a few days by the guilt trips people lay on me. I have not had a break since a few days in Ohio late last year, so it is WAY overdue. My clients and site visitors will have me fresh again and ready to tackle their issues.

I've looked high and low for a poem I wrote earlier this year about digging a grave, but it must be lost on my destroyed PC. I will try to get it off there when I have more time...so the following poem from a few months ago will have to do, perhaps a precursor to the current issue:

They Sing in the Silence

These bones are bare,
Stripped of skin and flesh,
Demure and vulnerable,
Warm and yet so cold in the twilight
Of your gaze…
These bones are bare,
Cracked, lined zigzagging fissures
Resting sullenly in the box,
Alone and discarded in the aftermath
Of your ministrations…
Ahh…yes, these bare and broken things!
How they rustle while lying still,
How they sing in the silence,
Melodic whispers but an echo in the dark.
Listen! Listen…their song mournful
Yet vibrant, daring to spill secrets.

Oh…how they do sing!
A dirge of pain and cracked memories,
Taunting you with their fragility and strength…

Dena L Moore
September 2, 2008

I Live, I Die, I Burn, I Drown

I found this gem of a poem today by Delmira Agustini, an Uruguayan poet of Italian blood...her works, as I've found them, are written in Spanish and while a few of the translations I have found may do her work justice, I have a feeling that they are more beautiful in Spanish. I have never read her before but her work resonates with me very strongly. I posted "I Live, I Die, I Burn, I Drown" on the website along with my new work, "Joined At The Crossroad."

No, they aren't really related or in similar context...I wrote my poem last night and just today decided to do a little poetic exploring, lol. Here is another I enjoyed:

Tu Boca (Your Mouth)


Spanish

Yo hacía una divina labor, sobre la roca
Creciente del Orgullo. De la vida lejana,
Algún pétalo vívido me voló en la mañana,
Algún beso en la noche. Tenaz como una loca,
Sequía mi divina labor sobre la roca.

Cuando tu voz que funde como sacra campana
En la nota celeste la vibración humana,
Tendió su lazo do oro al borde de tu boca;

—Maravilloso nido del vértigo, tu boca!
Dos pétalos de rosa abrochando un abismo…—

Labor, labor de gloria, dolorosa y liviana;
¡Tela donde mi espíritu su fue tramando él mismo!
Tú quedas en la testa soberbia de la roca,

Y yo caigo, sin fin, en el sangriento abismo!


English

I was at my divine labor, upon the rock
Swelling with Pride. From a distance,
At dawn, some bright petal came to me,
Some kiss in the night. Upon the rock,
Tenacious a madwoman, I clung to my work.

When your voice, like a sacred bell,
A celestial note with a human tremor,
Stretched its golden lasso from the edge of your mouth;

—Marvelous nest of vertigo, your mouth!
Two rose petals fastened to an abyss…—

Labor, labor of glory, painful and frivolous;
Fabric where my spirit went weaving herself!
You come to the arrogant head of the rock,

And I fall, without end, into the bloody abyss!

Delmira Agustini

Life is one big adventure, often painful, often full of joy. I had a Human Design consultation yesterday and I feel more solid and stronger today. My counselor/reader is one of the few in the world who would call my intensity BEAUTIFUL! Thank you...if you read this, THANK YOU :D Of course I've already told you in person. What is called neediness is actually my fierce burning intensity, which was pointed out again to me yesterday in consultation. THIS is WHO I AM...like it, hate it, love it, run from it.

I may be off to Scotland in February, so that is something to look forward to :D

Down with the sickness...

Here I am, pieced back together for the time being and making the most of it, lol. I've been listening to a lot of music and dancing today...it's frustrating that I cannot do all I used to be able to do physically. I used to be able to dance nonstop for hours and being very flexible, I've always been able to move in just about any way I have wanted. I haven't tried it out much in the past few years due to my injuries but today I really wanted to get some bottled up energy out and find that I am much more stiff in some joints than I would like to be, than I used to be! And that is with doing yoga (though I admit not as consistently as I should). So...that was a little disappointing but I will keep working with it and see if I can loosen it up a little.

And - Surprise! - I've written a new poem. I often write when listening to music and have found amazingly that the Rome Soundtrack works great when channeling, even when in chat with clients. It's all good. I've decided I will list out the songs that I listened to while creating the new poem (which I may go over a few more times - we'll see)...I'm not sure if what I'm listening to reflects what comes out of me or if what is in me determines what to listen to.

Music, in order played:

Down with the Sickness - Disturbed
Thunderstruck - AC/DC
Over - Sugarcult
Apologize - OneRepublic
What do I have to do - Stabbing Westward
Broken - Seether
Undead - Hollywood Undead

And the poem, which may be reworked - it also loses some of it's form here in the blog. The lines in italics should be indented but it won't allow it on here:

Blistered Cage

Blistered cage - come inside -
Oh, come…come…frightened and ashen,
Won’t you come?
The gate’s locked but you have the key
(it’s melting in this heat);
I’m waiting inside, in the flames,
Your paranoid tormentor chained,
Blistered, bleeding, reveling in the pain.
This is your Keep, your thorny field,
The crash of the waves against sand…

The bars of solitude enclose me - I’m a beast
Snarling and growling, panicking in the fire,
It licks around me
(like your lips)
And I’m drowning, drowning…floundering,
Going down on my knees, hands clasped
Around the iron, smelting, fused and needy,
Trapped in this blistered cage…
You’re frightened and ashen,
Losing the key, melting in the heat,

Won’t you come?

Dena L Moore
November 19, 2008

This blog helps me release some things...I just can't be bottled up, held back, or repressed any longer...it just can't be done, or maybe I just refuse to do it?? Not sure, but I was thinking about the last time I got to play with Saturn along all my planets and I have to say, heartbreak or no, MUCH worse things happened back when I was 11 than now. So I will smile and send him my love in silence.

Let's try this again...

As some of you know, I recently deleted my poetry blog...I have several reasons for why I deleted it but none of which I feel like publicly sharing. Today I am in a "I don't give a F*ck" mindset so here I am, ready to try again. I've lost some very nice posts and comments, but I'm growing used to losing things in my world. Eventually nothing will be that big of a deal as I let go and "let God(dess)."

I have a new poem up called "In Wood Like Stone." I hope you enjoy it, it is an offering of my current emotional crisis and heartache.