Evolving perspective and deeper understanding

Dropping myself an astrological quote from G Bogart's "Astrology and Spiritual Awakening":

"Finally, transpersonal astrology provides insight into the process of self-transcendence and spiritual awakening. In Rudhyar's (1979) view, becoming a relatively free and autonomous individual is only a transitional stage in human development, one that is fraught with isolation and desperate attempts to satisfy personal desires. He envisions transpersonal astrology as a means of understanding the dramatic 'reorientation of consciousness' that enables one to transcend the state of a power-hungry, "money-conditioned individual" and to become a compassionate, self-consecrated servant of humanity as a whole."

I believe that some of my recent psychological struggles has been, in part, due to my trying to be more in body and to 'fit-in' and do what is necessary to live in this world and on this planet. I've had a lot of wounding in this body. It was hard enough to have to come back here at all, let alone into the family I currently have. I realize that it is necessary for my own evolution and finalization of karmic debts, to heal the current ego, and to continue to 'reorient' my consciousness. In this sense, I am certain that my longing to escape this body and this life is an urge for transcendence. To be beyond these earth-based needs and practicalities. In some ways I am much more Piscean than Virgoan and funny how it all seems to make so much more sense due to my experiences in Seattle. Accepting that I HAVE to be in body has taken me so much of this life and obviously I still haven't completely accepted it or I wouldn't continue to have my occasional urges. I have lost all suicidal drive this past week and the bizarre urge to cut has long since fled as well...in retrospect I can see that the so-called 'spiritual' and 'astrological' people I have been 'hanging out' with over the past few months are really people of much lower quality and in detrimental evolutionary status. As they show more and more of their true natures, I am repulsed. It isn't so much what they say - and I know I can say all sorts of unsettling things myself - but rather their behavior and consistent disturbing thought patterns that expose the true quality of their inner being. I have been absorbing some of their energy and that has caused an internal conflict within my own self as I didn't know that this energy WASN'T MY OWN! But now I do and that is why I have been able to re-center and find my own core and space. Ironically, they are much older than I am but I have long since discovered that age has almost nothing to do with wisdom or soul maturity.

The internal conflict was my own Soul fighting to maintain my integrity in the face of the foreign, self-centered, and money-conditioned energy coming from these other people. When I cut them off emotionally and stepped back and turned to my work, I discovered that I had been infiltrated by the energy of these people who pretend to be my friends but really want to SUCK OFF MY ENERGY. This is NOT good. I am super-super sensitive right now with my Neptune square/grand square pattern and Saturn in the 12th. I need to protect myself and maintain my boundaries and erect stronger walls. I no longer feel on the edge of a breakdown and no longer fear it...as long as I can understand what is happening, I am generally able to do what is necessary to function. Being with Thomas and working in my book has also given me joy and a higher sense of purpose. Maintaining my faith in my relationship with SP also helps keep me focused and functioning. He is my best friend, my spiritual companion, and my lover...on a higher level, on a spiritual level, I know that our journey together is the most important shared journey of my entire current incarnation and perhaps the most important shared journey of several lifetimes.