Each breath I take has the potential...

I am in the process of becoming...each breath I take has the potential to bring a new perspective...every time I exhale I am connected with all that is. I have reached a crossroad in my growth, a point where I can see the land unfolding before me in the distance, undulating and beautiful, like cherry blossoms in the spring or the sweet laughter of a child at play. This is the path I wish to take, to tread lightly upon yet remain grounded in form. It is not that I haven't been on path up until now because certainly I have, although I have chosen a very rocky and unsteady road to travel upon...but if I continue upon this road it will only become steeper and more dangerous. I am sure many of you have seen road signs in a mountainous area that says "Watch for falling rocks." Well, I have no desire to be one of those rocks crashing unceremoniously.

My main obstacle now - which I have been aware of for several years - is basically my health. Without that, we have nothing. And I have struggled with several health issues that I know, without a doubt, can be healed through diet. I have experience with implementing dietary interventions for both myself and my son but I tend to fall off the boat when stress becomes too much. When the bank account is empty and little is flowing to me, it becomes a major struggle because, let's face it, it is much cheaper to eat fast food or carbohydrates than it is to nourish ourselves with organic fruits and vegetables and free-range or grass-fed meats. Modern food is addictive and the dietary guidelines provided, at least here in the US, are ridiculously misleading. I know what I need to do diet-wise to heal myself and to become the healthy, glowing individual I wish to be...I see the potential but have yet to develop a smooth-flowing source of income that would support these changes. I love my work and am developing several new things but these things take time.

Once I heal myself physically I know I will move more toward healing others physically. I see a wide open gap that I can help fill and once I complete my studies - both bookwise, in the field, and with my Self healing - I will be a very valuable source for others. I feel myself moving further and further away from working with relationships but it tends to go in a spiral sort of cycle. It no longer holds the fascination or the challenge it once did. When I'm bored, I must move on...only the karma and soul growth aspects of the work are interesting now.

Please send me a few new Soul paths or Karmic Synastry readings soon!

I've been told it takes courage to write about my personal challenges and life in my blogs but I don't know...I feel that I connect more powerfully to the Universe and to the web of life through sharing myself with the world in this context. I have little need to prove myself to others or indeed, to hide myself from others. I feel that by genuinely expressing my own being that it helps others realize that they too can be who they are without fear. The trouble with the world is that most care way too much what others think of them...and people criticize and judge others harshly usually because they are projecting part of themself outward on the other. The one who irritates you the most is the one who is expressing a characteristic that is also your own, only demonized or kept as a shadow by one's personality/ego. What we do not understand, we have a tendency to fear...this is why so many have feared me, because they do not understand me. I do not fit in with the general population, the societal mindframe, or the expectations of others. This has caused me great grief at times in my life where others have attacked me or tried to change me. I have been critical of others in the past and I have worked long and hard with this lesson myself. It was very difficult when I was younger to not fear those who do not resonate with me - certainly any young child or teenager or even young adult would fear those who feared them and threatened them! So while they were attacking me, I in turn would critcize them either openly (rarely) or within my own being. I did not understand that it was I who was the threat to them! I felt I was being unfairly ostracized but while this may break others and cause them to become what others want them to be in order to lessen the pain, it did not break me because I am very pig-headed and very rebellious. The more others wanted to break me, the more fearful I truly became as I became a negative source of power. In retrospect I can clearly see now where I created my own obstacles and erected my own fortress around my heart and being. Yet I do not blame myself for what was, nor do I harbor any regrets for the struggles have created who I am today. I can truly and clearly say that I love myself. I love my eccentricities and the flukes in my personality, things that give me much to smile about and work on or bridge. Now that I understand why others do the things they do I am much less critical of their failings. It helps to keep in mind "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

I have been distracted by a phone call from the school and am now feeling quiet...so let me share a poem with you instead:

The Happiest Day, The Happiest Hour

The happiest day- the happiest hour
My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,
The highest hope of pride and power,
I feel hath flown.

Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;
But they have vanish'd long, alas!
The visions of my youth have been-
But let them pass.

And, pride, what have I now with thee?
Another brow may even inherit
The venom thou hast pour'd on me
Be still, my spirit!

The happiest day- the happiest hour
Mine eyes shall see- have ever seen,
The brightest glance of pride and power,
I feel- have been:

But were that hope of pride and power
Now offer'd with the pain
Even then I felt- that brightest hour
I would not live again:

For on its wing was dark alloy,
And, as it flutter'd- fell
An essence- powerful to destroy
A soul that knew it well.

Edgar Allan Poe

Poker Face and A poem

I'm a rambler tonight...let me mention, before I forget, that a poem finally erupted out of me this morning and is posted on the site: Water and Stone, Ice and Flame

Ahhh...well, I have no one to talk to and I am sooooo chatty. Poor Sonja is hurting and I wore her out the past two nights with my jabber...we had a great Astro-chat though. At least I didn't keep her up until 3 am last night for once. I am supposed to be working but I don't feel like it. I went out to lunch with my two lovely sisters - first time in a very long time it was just us - and had a good talk and that sort of set the current mood. But who am I kidding, I woke up needing to communicate, and out popped the poem. Tonight is 'movie night' with Gare, so that will be nice. He just came over and I made him listen to Poker Face and he said he hates it. LOL He always says he hates stuff and then I catch him singing it later on.

Not sure if I put any vacation photos in the blog yet (and can't check without publishing) so I think I will share a few. The 3rd is Cold Mountain (taken from the Blue Ridge Parkway), which is the mtn we stayed on. The 2nd is Looking Glass Falls in the Pisgah National Forest. The 1st is a very erotic statue/fountain of Persephone I found on a walk in Charleston. I have so many more pics, just haven't made them small enough to share yet. I've promised my friends on myspace to get them around but that hasn't happened!!





Love in the darkness...let's dance

The tension of becoming...or not...

"You're everywhere to me, when I close my eyes it's you I see.
You're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone."

A few lines from "Everywhere" by Michelle Branch...to me this is an incredibly powerful spiritual song, whether or not it was written and performed as such. Sometimes all I have is my relationship to Spirit and I suppose, in the end, that is all any of us truly have and I am blessed to have it. There are times when I question my direction and I know that I must simply let go and let higher power work through me but it is not easy, not at all, to relinquish working toward the dreams and basic desires that we all, in body, share. And I am very firmly entrenched in body despite fighting it for the majority of this life! It seems an odd catch-22 that I must deal with a body but am to face life from a perspective of not being my own person with my own dreams but rather a voice and a channel and a priest and... Erosion of the ego, I suppose.

I am feeling quite sad tonight...sad and alone, though not alone...never that. When I am feeling this way I can quite understand why some monks used to flog themselves...the pain of the body takes away the pain of the emotions and the longing for what they cannot enjoy. I can understand why those who do not have a strong link to Spirit (and perhaps the body itself) take their own lives when they feel such unbearable pain. But oh, it's nothing new to me, no...not new at all. I wanted to write a poem but nothing would come out...the few bits that did were too like prior works. I can't even find release that way at the moment, lol. Yet despite the pain and sadness, I keep on the happy, understanding, comforting face so others can have their needs met while mine go, as always, unfulfilled.

My lips would be wet with your kisses...

Right about now you'd be saying sweet nothings,
and I'd be hanging on your every word
My lips would be wet with your kisses,
and we'd be lost in our own little world

Right about now, I'd be feeling your heart beat
and your fingers touching my skin
Oh, what I wouldn't give to be back in your arms somehow
Oh, Right about now

Right about now, you'd promise forever
and swear I hadn't felt nothing yet
Then you'd pull me a little bit closer
and I'd play just hard enough to get

Right about now, we'd be under the covers
making love that knew no shame
What I wouldn't do to be with you somehow
Right about now

Baby

Now the clock on the wall keeps ticking
oh but time's sure been passing slow
And it's myself that I've been kicking
for ever letting you go

But darling, you know where to find me
should you have a change of heart
I sure could use a little of you no doubt
Right about now

I sure could use you, baby, right about now
Since you've been gone there's nothing, right about now.
I sure do need your touching right about now
Right about now

Tanya Tucker : Right About Now Lyrics
Songwriters: Rick Bowles; Jeff Silbar

I love this song and know that feeling of longing so very well. I am in a soft, nearly sad yet sensual sort of mood.I know, I know...I'm a strange one. I could try to write something but it is easier to listen to music, lol! Maybe when I'm done putting up the new candles I have in.

The song of the sea...it calls to me

Today is a creative day...I felt it the moment my eyes opened this morning. A dreamy haze-like day but one in which I must also work and conquer a few things in preparation for a difficult day tomorrow. So I began my day with a poem, which I have already posted on the site, called No Thunderous Dance. Then I read several poems, finally settling on two by Sara Teasdale (is is Sarah with an h or without? I've seen it both ways!). The one on the website is her work "Come" - short but strong. And below is "Ebb Tide"...I may have shared this one before!

Ebb Tide

When the long day goes by
And I do not see your face,
The old wild, restless sorrow
Steals from its hiding place.

My day is barren and broken,
Bereft of light and song,
A sea beach bleak and windy
That moans the whole day long.

To the empty beach at ebb tide,
Bare with its rocks and scars,
Come back like the sea with singing,
And light of a million stars.

Sarah Teasdale


My mind has been playing with an image of Persephone I saw in Charleston a few days ago - a bronze statue - that I really liked a lot. I am not yet sure what will come from this image but it is symbolic and touching something within that should arise in some form, be it a memory or a poem or some other creative work. Despite the seeming importance, I only took one photo! Luckily it turned out all right :D

I'm in a place where all things seem tinted with a touch of gold and pink, at least within myself, for the moment. I am not sure if I am happy or sad or in a state of inner peace, no matter how temporary. But I go to the chiro soon and then must come back down to Earth and get busy with what must be done, no matter how boring or mundane.