This is why I love my life...

I am deeply touched tonight; so much so that I have tears in my eyes as I write this here to myself. So often we do not take the time to be thankful for our life, for those moments that bless us although they must end...for the memories we have shared over our lifetime with our friends, family, and loved ones. I feel a deep sense of connection to all that is, to those I love, to those I've had to let go, and for every particle of life that is. All that is.

What has brought this mood upon me? I think it is a combination of things. We watched the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and then I sat down to check emails. In my email was a message from a complete and total stranger - a website visitor. A man from another country who does not speak English fluently but his words hit me so deeply...his pain even now welling up through me. His heart breaking; his fear holding him back from the woman he loves. I work with these situations every day but there is something more wrenching when a man can admit such things to me, a total stranger, due to something I have written and shared. I am so happy to be able to help others with my own pain and my own experiences. It just simply makes the tragedies I have lived through worth it. Every single one of them. And I know so deep within my own being that no matter what else I must face in the future, it too will be worth it if I can turn it around to touch just one other Soul and bring them a sense of understanding and faith.

This is why I love my life...this sense of truly making a difference on a level that goes beyond words. It is all worth it - every life, every wound, every death, every touch and kiss, every loss. These things weave a Soul into being.

Uranian madness!

How amazing life is when Uranus is active...simply amazing. I never know what I will wake up to day to day. I think the only real way to keep one's sanity and deal with all the ups and downs and twists and turns is to LAUGH! Just laugh and laugh until you can't laugh anymore. That's what I do on roller coasters; laugh my ass off.

I laugh in the face of danger - ha ha ha roar (good ol' Lion King)

I am blessed, I know that I am and even while the great majority of those I care about the most are far from me, they are always in my heart. I have been touched so many times so deeply...and lately, when the floor is starting to shift out from under my feet, I have found that 'angels' are supporting me. I have never known what it is like to have someone truly be there for me when I need someone...I have never before known what it was like to have emotional support of any kind other than what I've been able to provide for myself. I think this must mean I have 'graduated' from a specific school of Soul torture. Progress...hell yes! And while I still fall into black moods, they do not last very long at all (see my last blog!).

No matter what, I get by, I survive, and I do it with a smile...even if I have to shed a few tears first I know that I will be smiling shortly, so that tears are nothing but a release...a flow.

Sometimes I still feel very alone but I know that is just an illusion. There are a few like myself out there and I have found them - or they me - and that gives a sense of solidarity when I must deal with the 'others'. It helps me to be a little more patient, a little more tolerant, and I am practicing tolerance and compassion as much as possible these days. It is still a MAJOR struggle to not want to smack the crap out of other drivers 20+ times a day, but at least I am no longer cursing them verbally quite so much as I used to. I am trying (very hard) to accept that YES, Stupidity is a fact of life. I am also learning to accept that YES, the great majority of the population see nothing but themselves nor do they care to be open to other perspectives. And I am working on accepting that many of those who think they are Spiritual and compassionate are just as selfish, egotistical, and ignorant of the feelings of others as those who do not put on such pretenses.

Beyond all that, I am doing what I can to make self-adjustments and not worry so much about what others are doing. Either they fit into my flow or they do not - and vice versa. No crimps in the wire please, lol.

I give thanks for all I am and all that I will be...thanks for my real friends (especially those elite who communicate and work on the same plane as I do), for those who try to help even if they can't, for my clients, and my children.

Sending love to those who can receive it and even those who can't! To those who have hurt me, to those who have lied to and deceived me, to those who want to kill me, to those who think I am crazy, to those who fear me...to everyone. As I said, Uranus is all about LAUGHING...Laugh hysterically and just enjoy the irony, the free falls, the pitch-black tunnels, all of it!

Dena

PS There's a poem I posted a few days back called "A Motif Foreign"

Homo cogitat, Deu indicat

I feel I shall implode or evaporate. The complexities of my thoughts are enigmatic and sullen, intense and quiet. There are no tears, no, and no words to express my mood. I do not want to analyze it nor do I want to fall into the black cloud that awaits. Many things are running through my mind, many so quickly they could never be captured. How I long for the calm of the past few weeks. I have begun a poem (as all decidedly tortured souls do) but it is thus far 3 lines:

I sigh into you,
A deep caress of the soul outbound
Entering the flesh of the world in near-silence

That is all and anything more would be forced. So here I am typing away to myself in search of...what? A drop of wisdom...a theory...some type of viewpoint to cling to? Or do I simply need to save myself or calm my mind? Winds and torrential rain, damp earth, and the scent of the past. This and nothing more. All that is. The earth and the sky, the music of lightning, of worms moving through soil...

How I wonder what it would be like to be a more simple person...to crave less, to cherish more. To accept the 'lot' given and not be driven, ceaselessly driven to be more, to give more, to live more. To not have bouts of existential angst.

And two more lines:

I sigh into you,
A deep caress of the soul outbound
Entering the flesh of the world in near-silence,
A potent mist embalmed, a forgotten shadow
Dedicated to fields of glory, blood-stained.

This too shall pass.

Homo cogitat, Deu indicat

Don't ever forget it.

Is love so fragile...

I'm in yet another sort of soft and romantic of mood...so I will share the lyrics to one of the most enduring love songs (duet) ever...love it. I have also posted a new poem on the website that I like quite a bit - Wild and Windswept

Leather & Lace
Stevie Nicks & Don Henley

Is love so fragile...
And the heart so hollow
Shatter with words...
Impossible to follow
Youre saying I'm fragile... I try not to be
I search only... for something I can't see

I have my own life... and I am stronger
Than you know
But I carry this feeling
When you walked into my house
That you won't be walking out the door
Still I carry this feeling
When you walked into my house
That you won't be walking out the door

Lovers forever... face to face
My city or mountains
Stay with me stay
I need you to love me
I need you today
Give to me your leather...
Take from me... my lace

You in the moonlight
With your sleepy eyes
Could you ever love a man like me
And you were right
When I walked into your house
I knew I'd never want to leave
Sometimes I'm a strong man
Sometimes cold and scared
And sometimes I cry
But that time I saw you
I knew with you to light my nights
Somehow Id get by
First time I saw you
I knew with you to light my nights
Somehow I would get by

Lovers forever... face to face
My city or mountains
Stay with me stay
I need you to love me
I need you today
Give to me your leather...
Take from me... my lace

Lovers forever... face to face
My city or mountains
Stay with me stay
I need you to love me
I need you to stay
Give to me your leather
Take from me... my lace
Take from me... my lace
Take from me... my lace