Monday, December 20, 2010

I've got 9 lives, cat's eyes...

Yes, I'm back in black...



Thursday, December 9, 2010

Lord Saturn...I wish you'd swallow me whole

...For Saturn in the 8th house carries deeper emotional scars than any other Saturnian placement, and the wounds are slower to heal.

The emotional isolation with an 8th house Saturn is even more acute than with a 4th house Saturn for the emotional needs are far more intense and directed toward individuals. It is union rather than security which is sought and union of a particularly intense and transforming kind....There is often a fascination with all things occult or, at the very least, an interest in the depths of the mind, and it is in utilising this interest and in learning the real nature of the energies of creation that the individual becomes a magician. The secrets of the powers of the unconscious are his, and these are literally life-giving powers for the healing of himself and others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I could not have said it better myself. I feel extremely emotionally isolated at the moment, but what else is new? This is how it is.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Desire

Desire

Where true Love burns Desire is Love's pure flame;
It is the reflex of our earthly frame,
That takes its meaning from the nobler part,
And but translates the language of the heart.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Ahh...Eros in his burning form - the desire to become...to unite...to move beyond and into a higher form. It is one of those days when I am feeling the distance. I don't much feel like talking but I need to feel his presence around me. I desire him, to be with him, to relax together and rest in the quiet. I have no interest in other men. This is something others cannot understand when they are telling me I'm out of my mind...to me it is obvious that those who think distance prevents love shows that they have never truly loved...they do not understand that it knows no boundaries and to fully open to it, that we must surrender. Trying to control it leaves it stagnant and dead because it cannot be controlled...Eros fuels Love. I just read an entire book on this topic and my favorite quote was: "Eros is the transformative force of life, love is the unifying force, and sexuality is the creative force." That's it in a nutshell, isn't it? Then "Eros bridges the gap between sexuality and love, it spans the chasm between two people...it softens and frees the flow of emotion."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Thanks and blessings

I want to give thanks tonight for the blessings in my life. No matter how difficult life gets, no matter how complicated, and despite external complications and occasional disappointments, I remain hopeful and look to the future, knowing that while I've had a lot of hard knocks, I have learned from everything and am becoming more and more defined and refined.

I think of everyone who has touched my life in some way, who have helped me or challenged me, lifted me up or dragged me through the dirt, and I give thanks for all experiences and forgiveness (as best I can). Some things are very difficult to forgive, but I feel that I can forgive even the most difficult. I may never understand why they've done things they've done and I will never condone it, but the difficulties have created 'me' just as much - maybe more so - than the good and easy things.

I feel that SP has touched me at the deepest levels and has helped me through some of the most difficult and trying emotional healing times. I give thanks for his presence in my life and his existence in this world at this time. Across the vast expanse of the ocean, on the other side of the world, across lifetimes...still we have connected and continue to connect and reconnect. I love him more than anyone could imagine and it no longer frightens me. I try to remind myself during the difficult days and moments when I feel our distance too deeply that it was a miracle we connected and that there is and has always been a higher purpose for our relationship, beyond personal love and gratification. Would I do it again? Absolutely. And again and again. Sometimes it is difficult and sometimes I get emotional but I can't imagine what life would be like now if we had never met...and I don't want to imagine it! Ever. I give thanks for my SP and I ask that his goals be met and supported by the Universe (if they are in his Soul's best interest). Please help him to gain the recognition he desires and the strength to make his future all that he wishes it to be.

I give thanks for my children, in their strengths and weaknesses. I ask to be supported in my desire to help make their dreams come true and in my ability to earn more money so that I can support them fully on my own, and not just support them at the bare minimum but healthily. May they always know that I love them and trust that I do my very best to give them the security and love they need and deserve.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Pictures turned out ok












There's a million more but this is all I have shrunk down. I need to decide which one to put on the website as the one on there is a year old.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Sun - Saturn...????

Something for me to ponder and think about...powerful conjunctions. Is it the house? Is it the situation? Is it both?  Probably.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Love, Born

Though I have been a bit lazy over the weekend I am happy as I have been inspired today to write a new poem, called Love, Born.  It arose while doing the dishes but that is how it goes, lol.   All of my creative drive has been going into my book, which is great too. It's hard to focus with the kids home on the weekends and while I was feeling a bit down last night and this morning, I am feeling lighter today. 

I've been doing a lot of inner processing and the anger I expressed the other day, while not very pretty, seems to have helped me release some of the old resentments. I am trying to work through this healing process and not repress the anger and sadness, which inevitably will arise. I want to leave on good terms and not as enemies. The children are the most important and I want it to be a genuine release without serious conflicts. I want to be able to look at him and feel compassion and forgiveness. I feel this will be easier when we are physically apart.

Dae is listening to Christmas music! 

I feel that dreaded tiredness sneaking upon me and there's really nothing here to make for dinner. I do not feel like walking 4 miles to get food either. I did that yesterday but only got enough food for one day. Will have to figure something out though.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Damn she can rock...

I can't believe I never heard of this woman before...I'm sort of shocked by that, as I was very deeply immersed in 70's rock growing up and this woman can really go at it. I can see how Joan Jett came up behind her, listening to this and also, unfortunately, copying her. Jett loses a little bit of her appeal due to that but of course her most popular songs, including "I Love Rock & Roll" and the one I love most, "Crimson and Clover" are covers!  So I see she lacked originality but has that je ne sais quoi that makes people stand out.

So, wow, Suzi Quatro...she can rock.

And my life is sort of fucked at the moment so I was escaping through music and no work has gotten done. After waking up to receiving my b-day gift from SP and thinking it was going to be an amazing day, things sort of took a southerly nose dive with this POS issue and being flat ass broke and all my savings depleted. I am really happy with the book as it is wonderful and full of so much info...how does he know how to get the perfect thing for me? :)  He amazes me and is so generous...I give thanks for him every day and love him more than I could ever put into words.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I feel radiant...

but tired after sorting out some things and then doing yoga and then learning new meditations...despite the tiredness, which they said in the video may happen, I am feeling calm and happy. My nose still feels like it is on fire...LOL. It's been a number of years since I've used the breath of fire and wow, I can tell. But it is time to really shift myself physically.

I have been working on my health and I think I know what has happened. Last year when I was pushing my body so hard, working out for 90 minutes in the morning and then walking long distances in the evening really exhausted my adrenals, which I am prone to. So now for me to push my body like that again...it's just not going to work. I'm trying to compromise with it and take things gradually instead of expecting perfection immediately, which I tend to do to myself too much. I wish I could break my diet pepsi addiction as I know it is horrible for me and yet I crave it. Mainly when the stress gets to be too much. I

wow...too tired to even ramble. Better lie down for a bit.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I love him

I just feel it so deeply tonight...I wish we could be together, communicating with our bodies. He is the sexiest man in the Universe.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Garden Of Love



The Garden Of Love

I went to the Garden of Love.
And saw what I never had seen:
A Chapel was built in the midst,
Where I used to play on the green.

And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
And Thou shalt not, writ over the door;
So I turn'd to the Garden of Love,
That so many sweet flowers bore,

And I saw it was filled with graves,
And tomb-stones where flowers should be:
And priests in black gowns, were walking their rounds,
And binding with briars, my joys & desires.

William Blake

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder

I am too tired to write much but I wanted to express my thanks and gratitude for my SP's presence in my life. He has touched me in ways that can't be explained. I feel him and understand him on a level that others could not imagine. He is a wondrous and amazing man who continues to capture my heart and fuel my inspiration. I love him. He brings me peace and a deep desire all at once.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Let life touch you...

Life has touched me today, in one of those ways that go beyond explanation. I just found this page on "The Four Emotions That Can Lead To Life Change" and really liked it.  I want to put it here so I can read it again in the future :)

I have a new client who came unexpectedly last night and she has lived a very difficult life...one worse - in some ways - than my own, which is difficult to imagine sometimes but the truth.  We met today and though she only paid for 30 minutes of tarot - which I never even touched my deck - we were together for 2 1/2 hours.  She wanted to pay me more but I said not to worry. I do not feel bad or resentful about it but rather elated and happy that I was able to make a difference. I believe she lost about 100 lbs worth of guilt in our time together and even said how she felt amazing and much lighter. I am tired now but so thankful. Maybe I am poor but when I can make a real difference in my work, it is worth it. I am spiritually rich. I will die knowing that I have made a positive mark on many Souls and that means I will be able to die in peace when it is time.  I have a number of things in common with this woman, even the desire to work with children in hospice. When Gare is older and needs less care I would like to volunteer to stay with them while they pass on. I know others may not understand my desire to work with dying children but the main reason I want to is because I can...there aren't too many like me in the world and their souls need love and guidance during transition just as much or more than older people.

Ah well, I have all sorts of plans and ideas and who knows if any of them will become reality. I can see my work/job is already in the process of a shift and I think I like it. I feel blessed today and positive that I am fulfilling contractual obligations as written in my 'contract'. I am so happy that Venus has finally gotten out of my 12th house so that others can 'see' me again and come to me...I am never happier than when I am truly being of service and making a difference for others. I do need to earn a living though too, so it is good that Venus is out of my 12th and she won't return during the retro. I am thinking about doing more work on family dynamics and offering family karma as a specific reading but will see.

Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give.

- Eleanor Roosevelt
 
Joy can be real only if people look on their life as a service, and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness.

- Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy


There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

- Kahlil Gibran


There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.

- John Andrew Holmes Jr., American writer and minister
 
 
You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make.

- Gorden B. Hinkley



Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I wonder...

what this Full Moon on my Nodes will bring...so far it is quiet and I am relatively calm, sort of dreamy. I want to write a poem but I feel almost too soft (and scattered) to do so. 


And a poem....by Sara Teasdale

Longing

I am not sorry for my soul
That it must go unsatisfied,
For it can live a thousand times,
Eternity is deep and wide.

I am not sorry for my soul,
But oh, my body that must go
Back to a little drift of dust
Without the joy it longed to know.

Friday, August 13, 2010

To be within the collective Soul

You cannot find your soul with your mind, you must use your heart. You must know what you are feeling. If you don't know what you are feeling, you will create unconsciously. If you are unconscious of an aspect of yourself; if it operates outside your field of awareness, that aspect has power over you.

~ Gary Zukav ~


I find myself deep in contemplation the past several days. I sense an awareness within the calm that I haven't experienced for several months. I feel the energy of Spirit moving through me, touching me, changing me from the inside out. There is a great attunement taking place and I have received emails from clients who are resonating from a higher place. What is it like to be at one, to be within the collective Soul? It is a peaceful place...chaos does not end or begin but rather circles around in one big mass, such as the planets move around the Sun. We are our own little Universe, encased in flesh, grounded in human form...and when we are in our Center, we are at once a building block for Higher Source and a Universe in our own right. It is our responsibility to become, to grow, to evolve...the fears we face are but obstacles on the path making us ever more resilient and ever stronger a foundational block upon which to build.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Everything is a Miracle

There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as if everything is.
~ Albert Einstein ~

Life is a miracle...there are times when I forget to be thankful and fail to be grateful; there are moments when I am angry and lose my way but I find my way back. I stop and take a deep breath; I let the tears fall. When the storm clouds part and the Sun pokes back through, I lift my hands skyward and give thanks.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Twisted Beauty and the Sea of Love


I love this tree, aptly named "Twisted Beauty" by the photographer. I will eventually write a poem for it, all in due course :)  Today I finally wrote a poem after a few weeks off...actually, I just counted and it's only been ten days. The last one I kept to myself - I do that sometimes! 

Twisted Beauty reminds me of my life. It is twisted and it is beautiful and sometimes it is twisted and beautiful all at once. There are days where I nearly give up trying to untangle it and this morning I felt squashed, as if nothing I do matters. I wrote a huge blog last night and then deleted it, for whatever reason...sometimes I do that too, when I feel too vulnerable. 

I'm feeling very raw today. The Moon is activating the past Lunar and Solar eclipses, Mars is activating the t-square (was a grand cross when the moon passed through) and Venus is activating the recent Saturn-Uranus opposition. Venus is currently on my Venus/Mars midpoint and I feel this affects my ASC-DSC axis (being the rulers) as well as my nodes (with natal Mars conjunct the SN). I'm lonely. I do not know how much lonelier I can be and at the same time I don't feel like talking to anyone or reaching out.  It will pass, I know. Life seems so unfair sometimes. I've been giving too much of myself away to clients again but I do not know what else to do when I need to earn money. I have new-old clients and new clients and a mass of appointments. This has got to have been the shittiest summer ever. Nothing but shit. Ongoing piles of it. I can only hope that things will improve once I get through all these lawsuits and hurricane season. Why is no one around for me to cry to?  I've been the strong shoulder for countless people today and now I have to be for myself as well.

I shall end with a few quotes that express my own thoughts very well.

"It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we're alive - to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are."

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


"We do not need more intellectual power, we need more spiritual power. We do not need more of the things that are seen, we need more of the things that are unseen."

Calvin Coolidge


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Hmmm...just a ramble

My playlist is driving me crazy...all of the songs are acting like Youtube videos - not playing and stopping. How am I supposed to enjoy my songs with this BS.

I've been thinking about going to the Aerosmith concert but not sure...it sucks that I am only just now checking out the concert series as the one I would have liked to go to most is tomorrow! Can't do that. Doh. Other than Aerosmith I think the only other one I'd care for is Sugarland. Sometimes the country concerts are the best, lol. Not so crazy and wild an audience. And what is really crazy is that none of the Broadway plays I want to see are in my area this season :(  No Cirque du Soleil either. Sigh...

BUT the Moscow Ballet is coming to St Pete on December 28th to perform the Nutcracker...the tickets are almost gone already though and they are very expensive.

I'm just rambling, LOL

I have been daydreaming about my SP and so tried to distract myself because I long to see him so badly.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Saturn retrograde

I had a lovely comment today from a site visitor:

Dear Dena,thank you so much for your articles. I am absolutely amazed after reading about natives with saturn in retrogade in their natal birth chart. Yes, I am one of these people and when I was reading the article I totaly recognise my own life story.I never managed to have a good relationship with my dad and yes, I was locked in a difficult marriage and I met my soulmate while I was married and he stood by me for 2 and half years waiting for me to realise that the life I had at that time was nothing but built on other people expectations and cultural adequacy. My soulmate, my husband makes me feel like a person who actually is worth something and I never knew I could achieve a lot in my life. I guess I was very lucky to get the gift of my soulmate who had turn my life completely around.Thank you so much for your fantastic and accurate work. Many regards Zdena

Her words give me hope that my life can turn around too but who knows...I have a very difficult Saturn and even though I am aware and I work through things, I just don't know...but I'm glad she made it through the wildnerness and shared her words with me and my site visitors. We all need as much inspiration as we can get.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I wanna live a little bit before I die

I really need to have some fun and play in my life...everything has been too heavy and everything is in a state of transition. I'm sick of being responsible and I'm bored to tears with all this waiting and waiting and waiting. I want action...laughter...fun...  I just want to chat and joke and hell, make animal noises, run barefoot, play in the rain...

I'm in a weird mood. I feel torn between the old and the new (Saturn and Uranus opposition!! On my Mars/Venus midpoint and I am down right impatient.  I see the old fading out and I am releasing people, places, and things but I don't really see any forward movement on a new frontier.  Plus I'm moody because I am trying to get my blood sugar under control and it always makes me a little grumpy.

I want to Fly Away...

Oh I swear this town gets smaller everyday,
and I'm waitin for my chance.
I'm gonna break away.
I'm so sick and tired of being told what's good for me.
People got lots of ideas, of who I'm supposed to be

Angel carry me, oh so far away.
May my body never... touch the ground.
And If I promise you that I'll be back someday,
will you set me free so I can fly away?

Fly away... fly away...

Well most folks here well they don't dig too deep.
They can't dream too big... ummmmhmmm...
cause they've got fields to keep
I could walk away and leave behind my family.
Or get buried alive in this legacy.

Angel carry me, oh so far away.
May my body never... touch the ground.
And If I promise you that I'll be back someday,
will you set me free so I can fly away?

Fly away... fly away...

I wanna sleep under a different piece of sky
I wanna live a little bit before I die
I wanna be so close to heaven I see angels...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Patience, doubt, faith, and money

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.

Buddha
 
On life's journey faith is nourishment, virtuous deeds are a shelter, wisdom is the light by day and right mindfulness is the protection by night. If a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him.
 
Buddha
 
Money is coming in...I have nonstop clients. I am so thankful for this wave of work and grateful too...I hope it will continue on for a while as I've been catching up the business needs and also continuing to save to get the hell out of my situation. Each penny put back is a symbol of hope and progress.
 
 

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

You are the only exception

I so love this song

Monday, July 19, 2010

Finland...and....

I think I want to go to Turku...this place looks very nice to stay in: http://www.parkhotelturku.fi/en/

http://www.turkutouring.fi/public/default.aspx?culture=en-US&contentlan=2&nodeid=8726

And a tourism site for exploration: http://www.finland-tourism.com/en_US/web/guest/finland-guide/home

Nothing much was accomplished today workwise...though I have made quite a bit of money. Unfortunately I have had to spend it on the car and on ordering product for backorders. I have been thinking of a holiday and decided to begin looking at Finland for next summer. I'm feeling weird tonight...a little depressed and very sexual all at once.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Heaven's Be....I'm laughing my ass off

OMG I HAVE to put this here so I can come back and laugh again in the future. I stumbled on this on some weird site about tatoos and when I saw the heading "Sarah Palin's Tramp Stamp" OMFL...so fitting, so true. What an embarrassment for our nation. She's great for comedy though. As I read through the comments on the page I saw that they are now calling her 'Failin' Palin" Oh wow, I have tears coming out from laughing.


And for American satire, this just can't be beat: http://www.demonbaby.com/blog/2006/11/demonbabys-election-day-hideous.html

What a fun way to start a Sunday morning, LOL....oh my


Saturday, July 17, 2010

Evolving perspective and deeper understanding

Dropping myself an astrological quote from G Bogart's "Astrology and Spiritual Awakening":

"Finally, transpersonal astrology provides insight into the process of self-transcendence and spiritual awakening. In Rudhyar's (1979) view, becoming a relatively free and autonomous individual is only a transitional stage in human development, one that is fraught with isolation and desperate attempts to satisfy personal desires. He envisions transpersonal astrology as a means of understanding the dramatic 'reorientation of consciousness' that enables one to transcend the state of a power-hungry, "money-conditioned individual" and to become a compassionate, self-consecrated servant of humanity as a whole."

I believe that some of my recent psychological struggles has been, in part, due to my trying to be more in body and to 'fit-in' and do what is necessary to live in this world and on this planet. I've had a lot of wounding in this body. It was hard enough to have to come back here at all, let alone into the family I currently have. I realize that it is necessary for my own evolution and finalization of karmic debts, to heal the current ego, and to continue to 'reorient' my consciousness. In this sense, I am certain that my longing to escape this body and this life is an urge for transcendence. To be beyond these earth-based needs and practicalities. In some ways I am much more Piscean than Virgoan and funny how it all seems to make so much more sense due to my experiences in Seattle. Accepting that I HAVE to be in body has taken me so much of this life and obviously I still haven't completely accepted it or I wouldn't continue to have my occasional urges. I have lost all suicidal drive this past week and the bizarre urge to cut has long since fled as well...in retrospect I can see that the so-called 'spiritual' and 'astrological' people I have been 'hanging out' with over the past few months are really people of much lower quality and in detrimental evolutionary status. As they show more and more of their true natures, I am repulsed. It isn't so much what they say - and I know I can say all sorts of unsettling things myself - but rather their behavior and consistent disturbing thought patterns that expose the true quality of their inner being. I have been absorbing some of their energy and that has caused an internal conflict within my own self as I didn't know that this energy WASN'T MY OWN! But now I do and that is why I have been able to re-center and find my own core and space. Ironically, they are much older than I am but I have long since discovered that age has almost nothing to do with wisdom or soul maturity.

The internal conflict was my own Soul fighting to maintain my integrity in the face of the foreign, self-centered, and money-conditioned energy coming from these other people. When I cut them off emotionally and stepped back and turned to my work, I discovered that I had been infiltrated by the energy of these people who pretend to be my friends but really want to SUCK OFF MY ENERGY. This is NOT good. I am super-super sensitive right now with my Neptune square/grand square pattern and Saturn in the 12th. I need to protect myself and maintain my boundaries and erect stronger walls. I no longer feel on the edge of a breakdown and no longer fear it...as long as I can understand what is happening, I am generally able to do what is necessary to function. Being with Thomas and working in my book has also given me joy and a higher sense of purpose. Maintaining my faith in my relationship with SP also helps keep me focused and functioning. He is my best friend, my spiritual companion, and my lover...on a higher level, on a spiritual level, I know that our journey together is the most important shared journey of my entire current incarnation and perhaps the most important shared journey of several lifetimes.

Friday, July 9, 2010

A snake and tribal paint

Well...even if a lot of people have crap to say about the lyrics and the video, anything with a snake and tribal paint is exciting for me, LOL Besides, I like the music and I know all about feeling a bit obsessed in love...if I'm not feeling that at least some of the time, I'm bored. I know I'm hard to hold, so there needs to be something to stimulate me and keep me coming back for more. I've found that quindeciles can be exciting! LOL!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Such erotic thoughts...

For my SP

Separating Our Full-on Flesh

Enclose me in that small place,
Bars tight and solid as I press back against them
Drenched with desire, the black sky pushing down,
Separating thighs gliding white like moonlight,
Beckoning -
The scent draws you forward, the sea of me
Ripe and ready for penetration,
Fingers bared disappear, first one then two,
Thrust into the warmth of the tropics, exposed
Yet contained, the undulating rhythm urging you
To enter,
To grasp the bars and shake them hard as I call
Out to you, your name piercing the night
Swollen and sweating as you advance, driving hard,
Taunted by the iron separating our full-on flesh,
Pushing hard to learn this new dance,
Shuddering into me, a crashing star burning volcanic
Deep into the crescent,
On my knees, shaking, on fire,
So full…flooded…
Overflowing with the paradise of you.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Why do I like Eminem so much? lol

Damn...I suppose it is because he is such a rebel and, well, he's "Not Afraid". I really admire big kahunas, LOL Both me and Dae really like his new song...like a lot of his stuff. Can't help it. I feel very much like him. Love his anger...so what if I'm weird.



When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Death to the Old

Death to the old ways of being,
The restrictions of others have kept me from seeing,
It’s time to embrace the inner me now
To do the things others refuse to allow -
To travel, to write, to draw love near,
Death to the inhibitions, Death to the Fear.
I am free to grow beyond all belief
Let go of the past, the people who cause grief,
It’s time to step forward, to be strong, be brave,
Time to challenge myself and gather all I crave.
Death to the past, to the pain holding me down,
My eyes are open and I’ve looked around!
There is love there before me, a whole joyous world,
But first I must break the bindings that hold me furled.
Death to the old, open eyes to the new,
Death to the old, open heart to the new,
Open arms, open mouth, I have a voice
Death to the old, I have a choice!
Death to the fear that locks me away!
I gather my courage to break all restraint,
I’ll let go of the past without fear of taint.
I am whole and glorious, a great noble woman!
The energy of this spell makes me understand,
Life is too short to waste it constrained,
It’s time to journey forward, in my own name.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

What the hell...

HADES! LOL I'm crazy but I already started a new poetry blog:

Hades Moon Poetry

How damn fitting.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Breaking up is hard to do



Strawberrying

My hands are murder-red. Many a plump head
drops on the heap in the basket. Or, ripe
to bursting, they might be hearts, matching
the blackbird's wing-fleck. Gripped to a reed
he shrieks his ko-ka-ree in the next field.
He's left his peck in some juicy cheeks, when
at first blush and mostly white, they showed
streaks of sweetness to the marauder.

We're picking near the shore, the morning
sunny, a slight wind moving rough-veined leaves
our hands rumple among. Fingers find by feel
the ready fruit in clusters. Flesh was perfect
yesterday . . . June was for gorging . . .
sweet hearts young and firm before decay.

"Take only the biggest, and not too ripe,"
a mother calls to her girl and boy, barefoot
in the furrows. Don't step on any. Don't
change rows. Don't eat too many." Mesmerized
by the largesse, the children squat and pull
and pick handfulls of rich scarlets, half
for the baskets, half for avid mouths.
Soon, whole faces are stained.

A crop this thick begs for plunder. Ripeness
wants to be ravished, as udders of cows when hard,
the blue-veined bags distended, ache to be stripped.
Hunkered in mud between the rows, sun burning
the back of our necks, we grope for, and rip loose
soft nippled heads. If they bleed - too soft -
let them stay. Let them rot in the heat.

When, hidden away in a damp hollow under moldy
leaves, I come upon a clump of heart-shapes
once red, now spiderspit-gray, intact but empty,
still attached to their dead stems -
families smothered as at Pompeii - I rise
and stretch. I eat one more big ripe lopped
head. Red-handed, I leave the field.

May Swenson
 

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Raw Fury of Moonlit Torture

The Raw Fury of Moonlit Torture

Willows slash like razors;
Tender skin rises, moon-welts glistening
As it gurgles, as it erupts in crimson -
Saille! O, how it leaps to the surface, a crusted
Demon bursting from the mound

Ashes, worm-enriched soil clinging like an omen
To the bindings, frayed but not broken,
not severed, no, not yet - What must I do?
Turn my wrists to the wind, palms open to the sky
As it lashes down in a crescent

Of sharp stings and wicked cuts to take the edge off.
I gaze into the puddle of murky water - this is
Where you feed, right here in the dusk of my seership,
Your roots tangling, creeping into crevices, unbalancing
Destiny as you grope to take firm root in the fertile soil

Of these bindings, slaughtered ancestry the blood
That rolls through these veins, the life I bleed out into
This pool where you sup and sabotage, bloated on my
Energy...I take it back. I cut through this tangled mess
With a razor as sharp as a willow whip,

Owl talons bared, ripping through the past like entrails,
Eyes glowing into the dark, exposing you to the wind,
To the crescent welts, to the raw fury of moonlit torture.
You are the demon cast upon the stone, broken.
You are the wound first cut, now cauterized.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A poem from the depths...I will look it over again at some point and see if I want to make changes but for now, it just wanted to come out. It's been a full and complicated few days. I try not to get too upset these days when things way beyond my control happen...money comes, money goes. That is how it is. I continually am thrown about by the tides of finances. There are days when I would like nothing more than to live a very simple and austere - yet rich - life in a hut in the woods. I woke up this morning thinking how I wished I was on Cold Mountain, listening to the birds and the waterfall in peace.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Owl Drinking at Dusk



A Wolf and a Bear...

I am just going to jot down what I remember of this strange dream I had last night so I can contemplate on the meaning and explore it over time.

I was returning home from a trip - I do not know from where - and was having a brief conversation with a man (but am not sure where we were. Maybe at the airport). I do not know who the man was or was supposed to be. Then it switched and I was walking down a road that appeared to be old as it was very narrow and bordered on each side with housing. It reminds me of roads I've seen in Irish and English villages but it was in the US. I've never been in a city in the US with roads that narrow, not even in the colonial section of Charleston. I was walking down this road with Sam but we weren't really talking (not unusual). What was unusual is that I had a long flute full of beer...shocking! lol  We were on our way 'home' and he was questioning me about my trip. Then, up ahead, I saw the man I had been talking to earlier on a balcony overhead with a woman and a man. He yelled down to me, "you aren't drinking, are you?" and I laughed and said, "well I have a beer but I've only taken a sip." There was shared laughter and then Sam said something to me (not sure what) and it irritated me and I dumped some of my beer on him.

It sort of moved forward again (or I'm not remembering) and we were still walking but through a park or a bit of forested area. I heard dogs howling and I said to Sam, "They haven't found the wolf have they?" He said no but I knew they were looking for the wolf.  We got to this place which was not our house but was supposed to be, only it was two stories and like a split apartment house. We lived upstairs. I went inside and the kids were there and so was Stef. I looked out this huge picture window and saw the wolf tied to a huge fir tree and was attached with a rope across to another tree where a brown bear was caught in the tree. It was obvious to me that they (whoever they were) were trying to help the brown bear by using the weight of the wolf, but they didn't have it set up properly to work. I made a few adjustments and down came the brown bear as the weight of the bear combined with the pull from the other tree and the wolf's weight somehow helped the other trees branch to snap off. The brown bear fell to the ground with part of a tree still tied to it. I cut the rope and pulled the wolf inside. He sat in front of me and I got a brush and began combing his fur, whispering and talking to him in a calm voice. I was a little worried  he may bite me but I pushed past the fear and kept brushing out his fur. Then I started petting him and stroking his fur, and I felt very loving and at peace but was worried they would find him.

It shifted a little again and Leah was there. I stopped brushing the wolf and was going to lie down and she was in  my bed. I said, get out of  my bed. She said "but I don't want to sleep on the floor." I said, "what happened to your bed?" Sam said, "I put it up."  So I got angry and said again, "get out of my bed. we will get your bed back out or you can go sleep in Darla's bed."  I went and checked in another room and sure enough, there was a bed for Darla but it was obvious we all knew she was dead. The bed was bare and the room clean. Stef was sharing a huge room with Gare and Dae had another room somewhere. I went to pull the blankets off Leah and she refused to get up but instead rolled around on my bed, making me very upset. Finally she got up and said "I don't want to hear any humping coming out of here." I told her she was disgusting and believe me, there wouldn't be any of that happening. Then I thought I heard Gare cry out and it was so real that I woke up and went and checked in real life. That is all I remember but the focus in my mind seems to be on the wolf and the bear. The wolf was being put in danger to help this bear, who just nonchalantly waddled off after being 'released'. It was so vivid.

I feel that my drinking beer when with Sam was a way to escape him. I am a bit perplexed about my sisters and why all 3 of them were there, even though Darla has been gone for 13 years this year. Perhaps because they were the one's I always tried to protect from my parents growing up and also the reason I have stayed so long putting up with my parents. So these things make sense to me.

The wolf I was very concerned about before even finding him tied in a tree, let alone tied to this big brown bear across quite some distance, maybe even a valley. When the bear fell to the ground (became grounded??) and then waddled off, I felt a sense of relief and yet some disgust that all the bear cared about was herself and getting what she needed. Then I immediately shifted focus to the wolf and helping him and soothing him.  Just a very odd dream. I think I will have to give it some time to think upon.

Just found this:

Friday, June 18, 2010

Be With Those Who Help Your Being

I will begin with a poem by Rumi...

Be With Those Who Help Your Being

Be with those who help your being.
Don't sit with indifferent people, whose breath
comes cold out of their mouths.
Not these visible forms, your work is deeper.

A chunk of dirt thrown in the air breaks to pieces.
If you don't try to fly,
and so break yourself apart,
you will be broken open by death,
when it's too late for all you could become.

Leaves get yellow. The tree puts out fresh roots
and makes them green.
Why are you so content with a love that turns you yellow?

Rumi - Ode 2865 Trans. Coleman Barks

Close your eyes...breathe...feel the energy relax, surround you...it is dark but peaceful. In the distance there is the sound of a waterfall, a bird's call, the gentle dance of leaves bending in the breeze...
 
I am there, resting in the silence. Calm and connected to Spirit, the energy of the Universe funneling through. I am there now. I am centered. Om Sri Shanaishwaraya Swaha. I dwell on the threshold with thee, O Karmic Lord, my thoughts crystallized into being through you...my release structured as I relinquish the past - ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I am free, a blossom opening, my rays intense as they pierce the depths. I am honored in your presence. Om Sri Shanaishwaraya Swaha.

I was very passionate and emotional yesterday and I realize I am still deep in the throes of healing. I have laid my Soul bare before my SP. I realize that my deep feelings in the morning yesterday churned up a lot of pain regarding my current situation and old karmic residue that needed release and understanding. He deserves 110% of me always; not part of me, not a shell of me, but me, whole and strong. I am still not certain whether I should have said all that I said, but I would never have dreamed it possible to trust anyone enough to share all I have shared with him. He is a blessing in my life and I say thanks daily for his presence. I strive not to be over-the-top but sometimes I feel I will burst with the feelings our connection invokes within me. I see the entire Universe in his eyes. I feel the presence of All That Is often in our communication. I felt it several times when we were together...that together we are more than "we" alone, that we are gazed upon with Starlight.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'm floating in a dream

I am floating today in a foamy oceanic world of bliss. I am hopelessly enthralled and in love in such a deep and magnificent way that I am nearly rendered speechless. Any doubt or lingering fear has faded since my karmic upheaval in Seattle and the resultant healing period I struggled through. I've never been more certain of anything in my life. He continues to amaze me and each new awareness of him burrows deep inside, invoking an intriguing mix of passion and camaraderie that can't be put into words.  He astounds and pleases me with his brilliant and (truly) out-of-this-world insights. I feel his energy emerging from deeper and deeper within him, energy I felt from the first contact we had, energy that was blocked or restrained but beginning to flow so wonderfully, so powerfully, now. The more of himself he shares the deeper I fall...and I am reveling in it like Dionysus in his ecstasy. 

I desire him.  I want to be with him. There is just so much between us on so many levels that no one would ever understand except us, but that suits me perfectly fine. No one needs to understand except us...to heal and grow toward Higher Consciousness through our connection as we awaken and unfold. I am his. I am so aware of being his, so aware of my surrender to the currents that drive me ever closer to him...it is a deep feeling of bliss. I realize at the moment my emotions are not very contained so I am allowing them to flow out here, to wash through me, to be released freely. I have already written a poem called A Thousand Petaled Lotus but it wasn't enough, lol. I checked my transits and see that Neptune is EXACT, to the minute, back on my Venus.

I wasn't surprised to learn from his Michael Reading that he is a Priest - Artisan. We are so attuned and connected and I am an Artisan - Priest. This means that when we were 'sparked' we both came into being with the same permanent essence...only reversed. But from several discussions I had with Shepherd about my own chart where I was arguing that I was a Priest - Artisan (and this was before I met SP) he said that both are part of my permanent essence throughout every lifetime and so while I may feel more a Priest as my 'role' in life, neither can really be separated so I am both. In some lives I will seem to be more Priest and in other lives I will feel more Artisan. Well, in this life I feel both! lol What does that mean, or shouldn't I ask??

He is healing me...I hope that I am healing him as well. I want nothing more than to see him glowing and happy, strong within his own being, radiating all of his brilliant light and healing energy out into the world. Nowadays when lower sorts try to poison me with their whispers of fear I laugh them off because I realize they are coming from a completely different mindset. They cannot comprehend what it means to love someone unconditionally. What it means to give love and support to someone freely because it makes you feel wonderful instead of giving it wanting something back in return. To give to someone because you really - really - truly and deeply love them on a soul level. They do not know. Saturn and Neptune get such a bad reputation and for what? Because people are frightened to become. As Marianne Williamson says:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

With Saturn and Neptune together, we get enlightenment. I will go into this very in-depth in my book :)  Anyhow, when other people - especially other astrologers - try to tell me that I am caught in a Neptune illusion and I should be more realistic, I literally laugh it off. Their version of realism is fear and doubt. I am not fearful. I am not scared. I am very certain on a level of certainty that reaches far beyond this temporary life. Others cannot understand that I come to him freely, without expectation. Others cannot understand that I am now at a point in my own growth that I am nearing liberation. I still have security fears regarding actual survival (mainly supporting my children, not myself) but I have no fear of being on my own otherwise. This is one of the gifts SP has bestowed upon me...a complete change in perspective regarding the situation I am still working through here. My love for him made me so very aware of the hollow life I had been living. Now I come to him from a place of internal strength and pure love rather than need or expectation. I am flowing along in my bliss, ready and willing to shift current when necessary.


Monday, June 14, 2010

Fragment of Zeus, Venus, &.... Poseidon?

Ahh, yes...I did attempt to work on this poem today and as it isn't going quickly, I guess I will post it here and watch it come into being and take/change form.

A flash penetrates dark clouds,
Ram-horned Jupiter shaking down bolts,
The leaves dancing haphazardly for the Selloi
Beneath the pink June sky.

I breathe in the air - moist, hot steam -
Palms to the sky, heart pounding, skipping beats
With my feet, hips circling as I watch the waves
Pounding upon one another - Venus rising up,

Her girdle loosened, gleaming with charms
Gathered from the foam - tiny tridents, glittering shells,

Then I got distracted thinking about Epoch charts and so curious about erecting one but not really discovering the secret key to doing so in Kepler or Solar Fire. I found a new program called 'Astrofire' but I can't spend that sort of money right now...besides, I have to purchase the Human Design Program first. That will be 500 Euros and I don't know when I will have enough funds for that either.
 
I'm a little calmer today and have been working hard for much of the day. I've got a full schedule again this week but much of it is just my regular work other than a ritual for a client...soon I will be able to start working on getting ahead again so I can take a few months off this autumn and put 100% into my book, which many are anxiously waiting for.  I have my deadline and will have to really give it my all and push myself to manifest this feat. I know I can do it but I am going to have to be strict and reduce my stress levels here. Yoga will help as will the gym. My goal it to have the book written and totally edited before I go away for Christmas...then when I get home, I have a two week window to finish it entirely and then, if all goes well, as soon as it is done and on the market I will have a break at the conference in Hawaii and relax :D  Ok, the one track mind is returning so I will scoot, lol. Thinking of that gorgeous face and intriguing eyes and those delicious kisses...

Saturday, June 12, 2010

It will have blood, they say; blood will have blood...

And blood shall have blood...

I love Shakespeare, ah, yes...I also have written many poems with blood themes. Gruesome? Macabre? I've always loved the death imagery of the Middle Ages.  I used to be an avid horror reader in my teens and early twenties but as I grew older I simply grew bored with it. Blood and death should be used with meaning, not just to sell stories in a slash and kill way. I am currently (sort of) reading a book called  Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin, which is a decent macabre fiction book. She held my interest on two connecting flights to Seattle but on the way back I ended up choosing to read the latest The Mountain Astrologer Magazine (Collective Crisis & your chart 2010 2014, February March 2010 Issue 149) - well that's not the issue I read but that's what Amazon is giving me, lol. I have intended to finish reading the Mistress book ever since I've been home but haven't. It's hard to hold my interest with fiction, movies, or television any more. I've been like this for a number of years now. The only time I read fiction is when traveling these days and half the time not even then. Learning/knowing the craft of writing and screenwriting/film-making takes away a lot of pleasure for me as I can see how they could have made things better or I get hung up on the little things, like in a recent vampire movie (in the past 4 - 5 years) they kept having full moons like once a week and it just bothered me so much that I went to sleep instead, lol.

I wasn't pleased with the changes I made to the blog yesterday so today - ta da - I have changed it entirely and feel happier with it.

So blood...ah...I found this paragraph on another blog earlier today: "In ancient Sumer, the key females of the royal succession were all venerated as lilies, having such names as Lili, Luluwa, Lilith, Lilutu and Lillette. Having wings and knowing the true name of God reminds me of the source of "veil" symbolism and wings on goddesses going back to the hymen of a virgin. From my post, Bee Seeing You Through the Veil: "Neith/Isis was known as the Veiled Goddess, and thus the reference on her temple inscription to 'lifting the veil' is intriguing, for Bees are often called hymenoptera, stemming from the word hymen, meaning "veil winged," representing that which concealed the holy parts of a temple, as well as the veil or hymen."

Imagine how that really made the wheels spin in my mind! I have ties to both Sumer and Egypt and I am simply fascinated how this ties into veils, hymens, and lilies. I am quite sure I have been a Sacred Prostitute as well as a Courtesan in previous incarnations. I have been called a 'Goddess' in the current life by innumerable people and I have had men tell me in the past that they've never wanted a child in their entire life until they met me, that I have something feral and fertile and earthy (lol) about me, that they want to....(insert blush)...in nicer words, impregnate me. And these are men I have never been intimate, emotionally or physically, with, but strange men online or men I have talked to very briefly (because I flee very quickly when I become sexual prey like that). It makes me wonder if these are Souls I've known before in another capacity and when they see me or talk to me, they are stirred up. Virgin used to mean an independent, unmarried state, not necessarily an intact hymen...in that sense, I am still very much a virgin.

Sexuality, to me, is sacred. I cannot understand women who sleep around randomly, flop around bars, have one-nighters, and all of that.  For me, I need a deep soul connection...a sacred bond and trust. An emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical connection. When the few I talk to about my life question me as to how I can tolerate a long-distance relationship, I tell them it isn't about logic, it is about love. When someone comes into your life who you can connect with on every level, what does distance have to do with it?  I can't even imagine wanting or letting another man touch me. The only explanation I have for people who worry about 'distance' or other complexities is that they have never felt as deeply as I do for him.

Back to the paragraph I took from someone else's blog. My mind started spinning and I began to think astrologically (what else is new?) that I would like to do some research and maybe an astro-blog article on Black Moon Lilith and the asteroid Isis. I am not focused enough today to do it but I think it is a great idea, tying them together and seeing how they interact and their sexual effects in the natal and perhaps synastry. I think maybe that would be a longer-term project but I could do something shorter first. I just have so much brewing deep in my mind all the time I fear I will never get 20% of it out into the world. I need to focus on Saturn-Neptune and actually schedule in set hours a week for it. I meant to go to the library this morning to work on it as I am back in the note-taking phase (I have gotten the major points and new breaking insights down already but now need to do the 'back-story' and create something readable for others to understand) but I was way too tired and slept in.

The role of the Sacred Prostitute/Priestess was amazingly important, as shown in this brief paragraph, from this site:

"The sacred marriage between priestess and king was the most solemn and numinous of all Mesopotamian religious rituals. Through this act, the fecundity and sheer life-force of the goddess was honored, released, and drawn down to vivify the land and its people. Her blessing was conferred on the earth itself and on the position of the ruling king. Without his wedding to the goddess, in the living form of her priestess, the king was not considered fit or able to rule the people. His temporal potency was inextricably linked with his physical prowess and attuned to his own instinctual sexual energies."

Inanna to her lover:

He has sprouted; he has burgeoned;
He is lettuce planted by the water.
He is the one my womb loves best.
My well-stocked garden of the plain,
My barley growing high in its furrow,
My apple tree which bears fruit up to its crown,
He is lettuce planted by the water.
My honey-man, my honey-man sweetens me always.
My lord, the honey-man of the gods,
He is the one my womb loves best.
His hand is honey, his foot is honey,
He sweetens me always.
My eager impetuous caresser of the navel,
My caresser of the soft thighs,
He is the one my womb loves best
He is lettuce planted by the water.

One of many poems I've written for my lover:

Carving Phoenix-Shadows

I am loved -
My lips fragrant with the dew of you,
Taking you in, a force uncontrolled as it moves
Between us, the bestial presence of unity,
Shadows and visions weaving soul-threads
Of heart-strings and conscious matter
Until we are gasping for one another, for release,
For pleasure, for penetration,
For surrender…

And you take me over, absorbing my essence,
Sinking into me, into your domain,
Your pasture spread out before you,
A rich landscape, a tapestry, your treasure
Laid out, urging your exploration.

In this time and space, in this sheltered cavern,
I want nothing more than to be your treasure,
Your landscape to travel upon,
Your tapestry to weave again and again
As we move together
Building bridges until we permeate the flow with our energy,
Transmuting physical boundaries, carving phoenix-shadows
With flames and tidal shores -
I am yours.

Dena L Moore
December 12, 2009


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Owl Medicine Summoning


I call to thee, O Great Night Eagle
Strong of wing, quick of flight,
Come to me quickly, under moonlight.
I summon thee to pierce the veil,
Sing to me clearly, the smallest detail,
Fly beyond and up into the Spirit world now
Retrieve every tiny piece my Soul will allow.
This is your mission, so dark, so profound
Back into the past, scattered around;
Fly quickly into that rotting black cell,
Then onto the tree where all ashes fell,
I send thee now, O Great Holy One,
Strong of wing, quick of flight,
Off away under the cloak of night,
When you return, come straight away,
I will be fuller, more whole by the light of day.
This is your mission; this is your song,
Sing to me clearly all night long.

Friday, May 28, 2010

In a galaxy far, far away...

there lived a beautiful maiden who was fast asleep...I wish I was she! Not that I am not beautiful, because obviously I am, but because I am not asleep, LOL.  And so what if anyone reads this and thinks I'm arrogant. So what. I am exactly as I should be, a wonderful creation of the Universe. I used to think I was arrogant -  but no, in order to be arrogant the words spoken or the thoughts created are not true. All I say and all I believe about myself are justifiably the truth and I accept my bad bits along with my good bits and that equals self-acceptance, self-love, and maturity. Sometimes I even like my bad bits more than my good bits and so does that make me 'evil'?? Who cares.

I am going to sleep soon but I am trying to force my body to adjust to Seattle time. Plus that big old bed is lonely. I woke up this morning and only my small portion was disturbed...I hadn't even rolled around. Made it easy for the maid, I suppose.

Oh geez oh pete...it was NOT a good idea to have all of these astrologers in one place. Holy cripes, I am hearing their damn thoughts to the point they are intruding in my mind. First a woman and now a man. I will have to try to create a better 'shield' tonight. I don't want to hear this crap when I'm trying to sleep. One going on about needing to accomplish this and that, the other going on about Leos and.... These are not conversations with someone but their actual internal thoughts. Yes, I can read minds but I generally create 'blocks' so I don't have to hear this banal garbage...but these ones are super strong or I am just super tired and defenseless.

And it is the Full Moon and I wanted to write SP a poem but am too worn out to weave my magic into form. I love him more than the Moon can love the Sun, more than Venus loves her Mars. I am amazed at how far the heart can expand. I have loved before but what I felt as love was like the wind on the cheek compared to this deep and blessed feeling of belonging. I feel his in every way and I am not threatened by that...I enjoy it. I want to be his even though the situation is more complex. It is so complex that it is simple. I love him. It's not a poem but it's my heartfelt - soulfelt - reality.  Now I will try to be that beautiful maiden in another galaxy...who knows, maybe I am.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Well...I did it...and the wheel turns

NORWAC here I come...I'm really starting to look forward to this trip after a few months of feeling sort of indifferent. I have a lovely yod going on while there and I have a feeling something is going to happen, even if it is subtle and lingering rather than a smack upside the head. I am hoping it will inspire me to get back to work on my book.

I've been daydreaming too much the past few days but maybe I need to. I've explored plane tickets and frequent flyer miles galore, played around with marketing on Amazon, added a poem to AD, and just generally messed around other than dishes, laundry, and a healing I did at 7 am. So I'm tired and my mind is up in la la land...c'est la vie!

I had to remove my Tagged profile today because although I haven't been there in like 7 months, a bunch of men were leaving very forward (even disgusting) things on my profile. I don't even know these people!! So I told Dae, sorry but it's coming down. I know she likes me to give her hearts and stuff on there but I really don't need her seeing a bunch of strange men saying things like that to me. Hell, I don't even want to see it. They need to keep their fantasies to themselves...like I'd even let them lick the dirt off my shoes.

I am in the process of releasing a few old friends who I just no longer resonate with. You'd think it would be easy but it isn't for me. I just feel I need to move forward and these people have very little in common with me. I need to be with people who are positive and spiritual, not materialistic and self-centered.  I need dynamic interchange not boring bullshit. One must sh*t or get off the damn pot. Listening to people sitting around moaning and complaining while doing nothing to change their life bores the living hell out of me and I'm going to have to let those types go. I can't spend my entire life counseling these people for free...sadly it's taken me many years to figure out that's exactly what I've been doing! Nothing but blood-sucking drains and I need my energy to do what I need to do.

I spent many hours yesterday redesigning the poetry site...I still have to do all the inner pages but they can wait for the moment. I thought it'd take me an hour or so...nope, 5+!!! I'm delusional or illusional or just crazy...but I think it looks good and will help support the books. I will have to start a new promotion site once I get the new book done. I expect this book will sell, lol.

I thought the Wheel card from the Tarot is a wonderful archetypal energy to focus on today as we approach the Jupiter-Saturn opposition. The Wheel is in the process of turning and I'm so excited...so many are fearful and worrying about the 'end of the world' and what will happen but if they would all just start waking up a bit quicker on their own our Mother Earth won't have to keep forcing them to through catastrophes.  I hear from those who are aware talking about running off and hiding out and I admit, I have thought that way a number of times myself. But if we do that, what will happen? Isn't it OUR responsibility to lead and guide the blind forward into our new way of being? Aren't we the 'gatekeepers' and lightworkers? Or 'Keeper of the Keys' as I am. Aren't we the ones who have the ability to help the others progress? This realization has empowered me...I have always been at my very best during crises and if I try to escape and avoid my responsibilites, shame on me. Shame on all of us who can help and are being fearful and thinking about just our own private lives. Perhaps this is why I am studying so intensely this year. Maybe the Mtn Astrologer doesn't want my Pallas article because it could start a controversy? Or maybe the editors didn't understand it and I didn't elaborate enough (which I did wonder about). Maybe they are scared of becoming androgynous...who knows. LOL But I am very androgynous and yet still very much a woman. I am androgynous in my nature, not my physical expression. It's nothing to be scared of but I can see how it could create fear for those resonating on a lower level.  When we are out of body we have no sexual orientation at all. I used to prefer being out of body but after 36+ years here I finally have accepted that I am in a 'temple' and I need to treat it as sacred instead of a trap. It's been a struggle and it continues on...Neptune in the 2nd house is the culprit, perhaps, in square to my nodal axis. (But I am still here - do you hear me?? Still here, still in body. I know why now but damn, shouldn't you be more gentle with such a young child???? We will have a discussion about this at some point in the future and the entire 'board' will be there, by God/dess)

I know that people who stumble upon these sorts of my rambles will think I'm crazy with some of the things I say but I don't give a rat's ass. I'm probably one of the least crazy of us here...or maybe I should say awake. That's nicer and more Libra-like.

That makes me remember that yet another astrologer thought I was a Libra. I wonder if there will ever be an astrologer who can guess my Sun sign. It's always Libra or Scorpio. Nope, nope, nope.

So I digress.  It's sad that I have to talk to myself but yet, there's nothing wrong with it. Beats trying to talk to a bunch of boring crybabies.

Let's hear it for a poem:

The Wheel

Through winter-time we call on spring,
And through the spring on summer call,
And when abounding hedges ring
Declare that winter's best of all;
And after that there's nothing good
Because the spring-time has not come --
Nor know that what disturbs our blood
Is but its longing for the tomb.

William Butler Yeats