I have a few lines and feelings bubbling away inside but I guess it isn't time for it to come out...when it is ready it will. So I will share a very Scorpionic poem I wrote last November instead :)
Joined At The Crossroad
Tendrils twine in the quiet,
Snake-like energy drawing us into the dance,
The ancient mystery - dark and erotic.
I saw you by the roadside, bare to the wind,
Lost within the dusk,
Searching…searching…raw and hungry,
Needing to feed, voracious - a starving fiend.
I stood before you, pulsating, alive,
Each vein throbbing with life, with desire,
The food of approaching night, the moon to guide us,
To guide us…not deny or usurp.
Oh, how you long to feed, to taste my flesh,
To swallow the moonlight dancing softly between us,
To shelter within the warmth of the passage
Where the wind cannot blow.
I wait in the silence, touched by the tendrils,
Drawn into the sacredness of the mystery,
Moving serpentine, kissing each snake as we entwine,
Joined at the crossroad, feeding…
Dena L Moore
November 22, 2008
Dena L Moore's Poetry of Love, Loss, and the Occult...plus tidbits of chatter and disjointed thoughts
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
No rest for the wicked...and Goblin Market (Sisters)
So much for accomplishing much today...I am so fed up with everyone else's life impacting mine to such a point that I can't even do my own work because I have to attend to their 'emergencies' and needs. I feel pushed into these situations and not really sure what I can do about it. One thing after another. Sick of it.
Anyhow, I am just blowing off some steam and hoping to get at least a few hours in yet but since there is a mountain of homework to help Gare with I doubt it is going to happen. And tomorrow morning is blown too...again, with someone else's crap. I am just falling further and further behind but I have to release some of this in order to focus.
Being in FL seriously ruins Samhain for me...it's difficult to get into the shifting energy in 90 degree weather. If there is anything I miss about being up north it is the autumn. The colored leaves and cool air, the apples at the orchard, the festivals that really feel like fall festivals. Not just more of the same. No seasons. Just...this. Heat, wind, rain. Humidity. Though I seriously dislike snow...only for a few days do I enjoy it. Sometimes the very crisp and cold nights with icicles hanging off the trees. I can enjoy the beauty of it. Plus you can be outside all year, even in the very cold. You can bundle up but you can't take your skin off. Sometimes I wish I could! And yes, sometimes I do think about how much fun we used to have sledding. Ice skating. Building snowmen. Throwing snowballs. LOL That's what happens when you grow up with all boys! I was the only girl for over 9 years, with 3 brothers. Anyhow, I never want to LIVE in the snowy areas again but it would be fun to get the hell out of this place for even a few days. I am SICK of being hot and paying for so much electric. Frickin' 90+ degrees for Halloween. Sucks.
Ok, I'm done being negative now...just have had an overwhelming day taking care of everyone else and their emotions and their problems while my work goes undone. I need some 'me' time...I haven't had any in so long.
But in a few months I will see my SP, which gives me so much to look forward to...so, so much. Wish I could see him now...lie with him, snuggle and cuddle and relax together in silence. I hope his day will be much nicer than mine has been.
And so I will share part of Christina Rossetti's "Goblin Market" - it is simply too long to put it here in it's entirety! And it is somewhat appropriate to my current situation with my sister, and the role I have to play. sigh...
My favorite lines from the poem are:
"She sucked and sucked and sucked the more
Fruits which that unknown orchard bore"
"Backwards up the mossy glen
Turned and trooped the goblin men,
With their shrill repeated cry,
“Come buy, come buy.”
When they reached where Laura was
They stood stock still upon the moss,
Leering at each other,
Brother with queer brother;
Signalling each other,
Brother with sly brother.
One set his basket down,
One reared his plate;
One began to weave a crown
Of tendrils, leaves and rough nuts brown
(Men sell not such in any town);
One heaved the golden weight
Of dish and fruit to offer her:
“Come buy, come buy,” was still their cry.
Laura stared but did not stir,
Longed but had no money:
The whisk-tailed merchant bade her taste
In tones as smooth as honey,
The cat-faced purr’d,
The rat-paced spoke a word
Of welcome, and the snail-paced even was heard;
One parrot-voiced and jolly
Cried “Pretty Goblin” still for “Pretty Polly;”—
One whistled like a bird.
But sweet-tooth Laura spoke in haste:
“Good folk, I have no coin;
To take were to purloin:
I have no copper in my purse,
I have no silver either,
And all my gold is on the furze
That shakes in windy weather
Above the rusty heather.”
“You have much gold upon your head,”
They answered all together:
“Buy from us with a golden curl.”
She clipped a precious golden lock,
She dropped a tear more rare than pearl,
Then sucked their fruit globes fair or red:
Sweeter than honey from the rock,
Stronger than man-rejoicing wine,
Clearer than water flowed that juice;
She never tasted such before,
How should it cloy with length of use?
She sucked and sucked and sucked the more
Fruits which that unknown orchard bore;
She sucked until her lips were sore;
Then flung the emptied rinds away
But gathered up one kernel-stone,
And knew not was it night or day
As she turned home alone."
and the last verse, about the sisters - I am the strength, the one who lifts during the stormy weather:
“For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather;
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands.”
Anyhow, I am just blowing off some steam and hoping to get at least a few hours in yet but since there is a mountain of homework to help Gare with I doubt it is going to happen. And tomorrow morning is blown too...again, with someone else's crap. I am just falling further and further behind but I have to release some of this in order to focus.
Being in FL seriously ruins Samhain for me...it's difficult to get into the shifting energy in 90 degree weather. If there is anything I miss about being up north it is the autumn. The colored leaves and cool air, the apples at the orchard, the festivals that really feel like fall festivals. Not just more of the same. No seasons. Just...this. Heat, wind, rain. Humidity. Though I seriously dislike snow...only for a few days do I enjoy it. Sometimes the very crisp and cold nights with icicles hanging off the trees. I can enjoy the beauty of it. Plus you can be outside all year, even in the very cold. You can bundle up but you can't take your skin off. Sometimes I wish I could! And yes, sometimes I do think about how much fun we used to have sledding. Ice skating. Building snowmen. Throwing snowballs. LOL That's what happens when you grow up with all boys! I was the only girl for over 9 years, with 3 brothers. Anyhow, I never want to LIVE in the snowy areas again but it would be fun to get the hell out of this place for even a few days. I am SICK of being hot and paying for so much electric. Frickin' 90+ degrees for Halloween. Sucks.
Ok, I'm done being negative now...just have had an overwhelming day taking care of everyone else and their emotions and their problems while my work goes undone. I need some 'me' time...I haven't had any in so long.
But in a few months I will see my SP, which gives me so much to look forward to...so, so much. Wish I could see him now...lie with him, snuggle and cuddle and relax together in silence. I hope his day will be much nicer than mine has been.
And so I will share part of Christina Rossetti's "Goblin Market" - it is simply too long to put it here in it's entirety! And it is somewhat appropriate to my current situation with my sister, and the role I have to play. sigh...
My favorite lines from the poem are:
"She sucked and sucked and sucked the more
Fruits which that unknown orchard bore"
"Backwards up the mossy glen
Turned and trooped the goblin men,
With their shrill repeated cry,
“Come buy, come buy.”
When they reached where Laura was
They stood stock still upon the moss,
Leering at each other,
Brother with queer brother;
Signalling each other,
Brother with sly brother.
One set his basket down,
One reared his plate;
One began to weave a crown
Of tendrils, leaves and rough nuts brown
(Men sell not such in any town);
One heaved the golden weight
Of dish and fruit to offer her:
“Come buy, come buy,” was still their cry.
Laura stared but did not stir,
Longed but had no money:
The whisk-tailed merchant bade her taste
In tones as smooth as honey,
The cat-faced purr’d,
The rat-paced spoke a word
Of welcome, and the snail-paced even was heard;
One parrot-voiced and jolly
Cried “Pretty Goblin” still for “Pretty Polly;”—
One whistled like a bird.
But sweet-tooth Laura spoke in haste:
“Good folk, I have no coin;
To take were to purloin:
I have no copper in my purse,
I have no silver either,
And all my gold is on the furze
That shakes in windy weather
Above the rusty heather.”
“You have much gold upon your head,”
They answered all together:
“Buy from us with a golden curl.”
She clipped a precious golden lock,
She dropped a tear more rare than pearl,
Then sucked their fruit globes fair or red:
Sweeter than honey from the rock,
Stronger than man-rejoicing wine,
Clearer than water flowed that juice;
She never tasted such before,
How should it cloy with length of use?
She sucked and sucked and sucked the more
Fruits which that unknown orchard bore;
She sucked until her lips were sore;
Then flung the emptied rinds away
But gathered up one kernel-stone,
And knew not was it night or day
As she turned home alone."
and the last verse, about the sisters - I am the strength, the one who lifts during the stormy weather:
“For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather;
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands.”
Saturday, October 24, 2009
OMG...way too funny not to share
I love my kids...they are so fun, especially Gare.
1st photo...Gare eating a slice of apple. One out of many...in fact, the kid ate nearly the entire bag! I think I had 2 pieces. It was a bag of mixed red and green. In the end he left a few green ones. Poor things. I swear he looks like he is high in this picture, he is enjoying it so much!
2nd photo I have charmingly titled "now I'm going to kick Mom's butt." Hey, I've seen that look MANY times over the year. Ha Ha Do you think it was because I was taking his picture and interrupted his 'apple pleasure'??
We were at the park for several hours today...had a cookout, and then went shopping for halloween costumes. Dae will be some sort of...something! Not sure yet, but she bought fishnets and a dress (which her father did not approve of) and black hair spray. Gare is going to be Pumpkin Head. LOL OMG, he is so easy to shop for and took maybe 2 minutes to decide...his sister, please. I was about ready to leave her in the store when she finally gave in and decided on what she got. Then the candy aisle(s)...holy crap. How much candy is needed for this??? We came out with like 7 bags of the stuff. I was in too good of a mood to fight them for long on it. I did force them to get Almond Joy's as that is really the only kind I ever want (well, that comes in small halloween sizes. My favorite is really Cadbury's hazelnut. Don't ask me why as I really don't know!!!). But candy is actually something NONE of us need!!! lol I will only have one, on Halloween. With three Cancer-influenced people in this house, I never have to worry about having any sort of sugar anything left to tempt me for too long. Oh, no...wow, if you do not know a Cancer then you are missing out on the fun...next time you have a gathering, set out a chocolate cake (with chocolate frosting - the richest you can find) and then make an announcement that it is time for dessert (hell, it doesn't matter if it is 1 am or before you serve the main course) and take note of all those that come running with a plate and fork. I'm telling you that all the ones the come the fastest WILL BE Cancer influenced people. Another way to know is if they are lingering about the kitchen while you are trying to cook, picking at all the sugary stuff even though you've asked them not to. They are seriously addicted to sugar, I think from birth!
Ahh, well...it's been a pleasant enough day but now I better get back to work on these horrorscopes as I have an overly stuffed next week. Will I survive??? LOL Will do my best but am not looking forward to it.
1st photo...Gare eating a slice of apple. One out of many...in fact, the kid ate nearly the entire bag! I think I had 2 pieces. It was a bag of mixed red and green. In the end he left a few green ones. Poor things. I swear he looks like he is high in this picture, he is enjoying it so much!
2nd photo I have charmingly titled "now I'm going to kick Mom's butt." Hey, I've seen that look MANY times over the year. Ha Ha Do you think it was because I was taking his picture and interrupted his 'apple pleasure'??
We were at the park for several hours today...had a cookout, and then went shopping for halloween costumes. Dae will be some sort of...something! Not sure yet, but she bought fishnets and a dress (which her father did not approve of) and black hair spray. Gare is going to be Pumpkin Head. LOL OMG, he is so easy to shop for and took maybe 2 minutes to decide...his sister, please. I was about ready to leave her in the store when she finally gave in and decided on what she got. Then the candy aisle(s)...holy crap. How much candy is needed for this??? We came out with like 7 bags of the stuff. I was in too good of a mood to fight them for long on it. I did force them to get Almond Joy's as that is really the only kind I ever want (well, that comes in small halloween sizes. My favorite is really Cadbury's hazelnut. Don't ask me why as I really don't know!!!). But candy is actually something NONE of us need!!! lol I will only have one, on Halloween. With three Cancer-influenced people in this house, I never have to worry about having any sort of sugar anything left to tempt me for too long. Oh, no...wow, if you do not know a Cancer then you are missing out on the fun...next time you have a gathering, set out a chocolate cake (with chocolate frosting - the richest you can find) and then make an announcement that it is time for dessert (hell, it doesn't matter if it is 1 am or before you serve the main course) and take note of all those that come running with a plate and fork. I'm telling you that all the ones the come the fastest WILL BE Cancer influenced people. Another way to know is if they are lingering about the kitchen while you are trying to cook, picking at all the sugary stuff even though you've asked them not to. They are seriously addicted to sugar, I think from birth!
Ahh, well...it's been a pleasant enough day but now I better get back to work on these horrorscopes as I have an overly stuffed next week. Will I survive??? LOL Will do my best but am not looking forward to it.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Ecstatic...and enraptured
I am so full of joy and can't contain myself any longer...January can't get here fast enough, lol. I am not sure if I've ever looked forward to anything else so much in my entire life...perhaps the birth of the children, but I can't think of anything else that could possibly compare.
I want to sing but not much will come out...I have lost my voice entirely several times over the past few days. It starts to come back, then it's gone again.
I should try to write a poem but I need to save my focusing for the horoscopes and a ritual I have to write for a lady, so I have come to ramble to myself for a few moments. I would much rather be face to face with my love...we always seem to have plenty to talk about, lol. It is really wonderful to be so close and share so much and to understand one another, most of the time without having to think about it. Although I had to go through the recent purging, I feel now it was absolutely essential for it to occur before January...and now I am back to my dreaminess and sense of joy. There are really no words to describe it. The word joy cannot contain it...it is something that cannot be understood unless one has felt it!
I am enraptured by him...his amazing eyes, gorgeous smile, and everything else...that brain of his, wow. His light. His aura. I could spend the rest of my life writing about him (and just may!). In moments such as this, I truly desire nothing more than to be with him, gazing at him...exploring him...reveling in his mystery. And while I realize that life cannot be so idyllic and we will always have to come back down to earth and deal with daily life, the moments when we are riding high together, touching the higher planes (and touching each other as well) will be beyond anything I could have previously dreamed of. This is me opening and not being fearful...not worrying. Trusting. It's been a long road to get to this place but I would do it all over again if it led me into his arms. I would do it 100 times if that is what it would take.
sigh -
I should start drawing again or working with pastels...words are not giving me enough release, not bringing out enough of what I am feeling - this multi-colored, living, breathing thing within me that is constantly pulsing...this is my love for him as he moves within me in Spirit. I can only fantasize about him moving within me in Form...oh, and I do. I want him so badly; to touch his face, kiss his lips, to taste him. To give myself to him; to please him. To hear him laugh; to watch him sleep. Ok, time to stop or I won't get any work done today and I risk turning my blog into erotica, lol. Wow, just thinking about him makes me breathless and......
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just incredible. It may be a good thing we have a few days together before the conference begins, LOL!!!! Might need a few solid weeks the way I'm feeling today. I'm laughing so hard.
So to keep this a 'poetry' blog instead of just my private fantasy world, I will share a poem I wrote earlier this year (yes, of course he is in it...any poetry with a sexual element or love element written in the past year or so is always about him in some way!). I like this one because it is erotic.
Wild and Windswept
She lies like a mystery
Unraveled, untamed…a wild, fluctuating coast,
Wind-swept caresses haunting the harbor,
A light up ahead - dim.
No sound but my heartbeat
Thudding like footsteps on stone, softly insistent.
Dark clouds rage above, a mad master’s dance
Heavy with rain, ominous.
It is the fierceness of the storm
Drawing me near, pulling me down the rough-edged path,
Calling out a rhythm in waves washing through me,
Tension drawn in the sky - pierced with lightning -
And I am in my element, feral and fleshly,
Hair tossing behind me as I flow down , down, dancing
To the shore, to the swelling crests crashing chest-high,
Rocking toward me as I reach out to her,
Laughing sensually to the beat of her pulse,
My flesh rising with desire to roll with her, to sway and swirl,
Pivot and gyrate, to move with such pounding intensity,
The power teasing and potent, unrestrained…
I think of you with me, turbulent and inflamed,
Your body vivid and wild, moving against me,
Fluctuating and windswept, haunting me as she taunts the shore,
As she crashes and tames, rocking and pulling,
I think of you, your mystery,
The dream of your flesh, your flashing eyes devouring,
The control and force of your Spirit arousing -
I’m fierce in my desire; I’m eager to be tamed.
Dena L Moore
August 2, 2009
I want to sing but not much will come out...I have lost my voice entirely several times over the past few days. It starts to come back, then it's gone again.
I should try to write a poem but I need to save my focusing for the horoscopes and a ritual I have to write for a lady, so I have come to ramble to myself for a few moments. I would much rather be face to face with my love...we always seem to have plenty to talk about, lol. It is really wonderful to be so close and share so much and to understand one another, most of the time without having to think about it. Although I had to go through the recent purging, I feel now it was absolutely essential for it to occur before January...and now I am back to my dreaminess and sense of joy. There are really no words to describe it. The word joy cannot contain it...it is something that cannot be understood unless one has felt it!
I am enraptured by him...his amazing eyes, gorgeous smile, and everything else...that brain of his, wow. His light. His aura. I could spend the rest of my life writing about him (and just may!). In moments such as this, I truly desire nothing more than to be with him, gazing at him...exploring him...reveling in his mystery. And while I realize that life cannot be so idyllic and we will always have to come back down to earth and deal with daily life, the moments when we are riding high together, touching the higher planes (and touching each other as well) will be beyond anything I could have previously dreamed of. This is me opening and not being fearful...not worrying. Trusting. It's been a long road to get to this place but I would do it all over again if it led me into his arms. I would do it 100 times if that is what it would take.
sigh -
I should start drawing again or working with pastels...words are not giving me enough release, not bringing out enough of what I am feeling - this multi-colored, living, breathing thing within me that is constantly pulsing...this is my love for him as he moves within me in Spirit. I can only fantasize about him moving within me in Form...oh, and I do. I want him so badly; to touch his face, kiss his lips, to taste him. To give myself to him; to please him. To hear him laugh; to watch him sleep. Ok, time to stop or I won't get any work done today and I risk turning my blog into erotica, lol. Wow, just thinking about him makes me breathless and......
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just incredible. It may be a good thing we have a few days together before the conference begins, LOL!!!! Might need a few solid weeks the way I'm feeling today. I'm laughing so hard.
So to keep this a 'poetry' blog instead of just my private fantasy world, I will share a poem I wrote earlier this year (yes, of course he is in it...any poetry with a sexual element or love element written in the past year or so is always about him in some way!). I like this one because it is erotic.
Wild and Windswept
She lies like a mystery
Unraveled, untamed…a wild, fluctuating coast,
Wind-swept caresses haunting the harbor,
A light up ahead - dim.
No sound but my heartbeat
Thudding like footsteps on stone, softly insistent.
Dark clouds rage above, a mad master’s dance
Heavy with rain, ominous.
It is the fierceness of the storm
Drawing me near, pulling me down the rough-edged path,
Calling out a rhythm in waves washing through me,
Tension drawn in the sky - pierced with lightning -
And I am in my element, feral and fleshly,
Hair tossing behind me as I flow down , down, dancing
To the shore, to the swelling crests crashing chest-high,
Rocking toward me as I reach out to her,
Laughing sensually to the beat of her pulse,
My flesh rising with desire to roll with her, to sway and swirl,
Pivot and gyrate, to move with such pounding intensity,
The power teasing and potent, unrestrained…
I think of you with me, turbulent and inflamed,
Your body vivid and wild, moving against me,
Fluctuating and windswept, haunting me as she taunts the shore,
As she crashes and tames, rocking and pulling,
I think of you, your mystery,
The dream of your flesh, your flashing eyes devouring,
The control and force of your Spirit arousing -
I’m fierce in my desire; I’m eager to be tamed.
Dena L Moore
August 2, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
So....here I am...
eating a piece of leftover cold pizza, burning a money candle, and basically playing hooky from work for the moment. I'm such a bad girl sometimes. And pizza should be outlawed, LOL. Especially the 'walmart' fresh ones, because they are cheap and absolutely delicious. This poor last piece was part of a Super supreme...was, as it is nearly gone!
I have a pile of email higher than Mt Rushmore waiting for me...I take one look at it and simply don't want to mess with any of it at all. But it will all have to be tackled and everything done before the weekend as it is my weekend off and I am long past due. Oh, I only have the November scopes, the weekly scopes, the weekly tarot, the Jan - March calendars, an astro-reading...on and on...all must be done by Friday afternoon. If not, then I will push some of it off until next week, but I would rather push myself harder and get it done. I am feeling somewhat better today and even got in some time at the gym. I took it very easy on myself though and only did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the weights. It was way too crowded this morning with a bunch of older people so I didn't want to hang around too long anyhow. It was 'better than nothing' as Dae would say. And no sign of my predator, so that was good, LOL. Poor guy...I don't even know him and he's already a villain. I will just have to get over myself and learn to handle these things like a somewhat 'normal' person...either that or pretend I know how.
I find it so ironic that I have all this email and I would rather write to myself! Well there is only one personal email in there from my german pal but as she was tearing into me when I was in my dark place, I haven't much desire to reply to it yet. It's been in there for 3 days now. See how naughty I am?? I suppose I will have to at some point today. I just want to chat, that's all, and maybe some would find it very sad that I have to talk to myself so much, but that's how it goes sometimes. Most everyone just chats with me online but I suppose that is hard for them to do when they never know when I am on! LOL Wow, this Saturn stuff has been simply...different. I think I did withdraw from most everyone last time he came around. Anyhow, I sometimes have absolutely nothing and everything to say all at once and it would drive others crazy if they had to listen (or read) my ongoing rambling for too long. Especially when I just randomly jump from one thing to the next without rhyme or reason. This particular thing drives my GP (ha ha German Pal) nuts, though she does it too. Of course she doesn't admit up to that or notice it, but is sure to call me on it. She says I wear her down with my intensity. I can't help it though, what I am. So maybe that's why I have to talk to myself as I can 'run the energy' for quite a while before I crash. Even when I know a crash is coming (like I did last Thursday) and try to stall it, it doesn't work.
BUT like the Phoenix that I am, I rise again and again...out of the flames or out of the raging sea (or both at once), I spread my wings and shine my light.
I feel more at peace again today...somehow different but peaceful. In a quiet (but chatty) place where I recognize that I have been a bit out of control emotionally the past few weeks. Flying so high at first, then bam, broken and flopping about like a fish out of water. I know to others I sometimes appear 'larger than life' or 'over the top' and maybe, to them, I am. Perhaps some would disagree that it is possible to love someone who one has never spoken to or touched...and I suppose that would be how it works for most people, but then again, I am very far from being 'most' people. I know when my Soul has been so deeply pierced and I know what I feel when I feel it; I know that I have never felt so much joy and peace and certainty than I do now. And so much heat...
I seriously have a one track mind sometimes! I have to be patient and allow things to unfold as they will. If he knew how much I think about being with him...or being under him... in the temple or in the crypt...or... I know I can be so confusing as I am so open with these things in writing sometimes (ok, most of the time), I probably give the impression that I am a rapist, LOL. When it is so far from who I am in the flesh...not a rapist, but certainly very sexual, but not in an in-your-face way...very subtle and erotic. I suppose this is what draws the Scorpion. I guess if you've truly got it, you don't have to flaunt it. HA HA In my case, I try to hide it from strangers. But with him...oh, I may be shy at first but he will melt me open within minutes. I will be so vulnerable but somehow that turns me on with him rather than off!! This is the trust thing again...and so different and delightful an experience for me. I suppose this is why I am so in awe of all these things that arise within me through our connection.
I love looking at him too...I can only imagine how it will be in person. Will I stare at him in hunger or blush like a maiden? Or, somehow, both all at once? I even intrigue myself with these things!!! And although I tell myself I won't ramble on and on about my love, I always seem to come back to him. He is on my mind...very obviously so!!
I so want to go to Virginia this weekend...I nearly emailed the lady and asked if she'd give us a discount (as she isn't booked yet). BUT I can't really justify it, especially as the car needs so much work and the drive would probably kill her off. Yet...I am longing to be in the mountains and see the leaves. I've been fighting this urge for nearly 2 weeks now. Maybe if I make a lot of money today I will email her tonight...I will let Spirit decide what the right thing is to do on this. Lots of money = weekend trip. Little money = stay home.
I have a pile of email higher than Mt Rushmore waiting for me...I take one look at it and simply don't want to mess with any of it at all. But it will all have to be tackled and everything done before the weekend as it is my weekend off and I am long past due. Oh, I only have the November scopes, the weekly scopes, the weekly tarot, the Jan - March calendars, an astro-reading...on and on...all must be done by Friday afternoon. If not, then I will push some of it off until next week, but I would rather push myself harder and get it done. I am feeling somewhat better today and even got in some time at the gym. I took it very easy on myself though and only did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the weights. It was way too crowded this morning with a bunch of older people so I didn't want to hang around too long anyhow. It was 'better than nothing' as Dae would say. And no sign of my predator, so that was good, LOL. Poor guy...I don't even know him and he's already a villain. I will just have to get over myself and learn to handle these things like a somewhat 'normal' person...either that or pretend I know how.
I find it so ironic that I have all this email and I would rather write to myself! Well there is only one personal email in there from my german pal but as she was tearing into me when I was in my dark place, I haven't much desire to reply to it yet. It's been in there for 3 days now. See how naughty I am?? I suppose I will have to at some point today. I just want to chat, that's all, and maybe some would find it very sad that I have to talk to myself so much, but that's how it goes sometimes. Most everyone just chats with me online but I suppose that is hard for them to do when they never know when I am on! LOL Wow, this Saturn stuff has been simply...different. I think I did withdraw from most everyone last time he came around. Anyhow, I sometimes have absolutely nothing and everything to say all at once and it would drive others crazy if they had to listen (or read) my ongoing rambling for too long. Especially when I just randomly jump from one thing to the next without rhyme or reason. This particular thing drives my GP (ha ha German Pal) nuts, though she does it too. Of course she doesn't admit up to that or notice it, but is sure to call me on it. She says I wear her down with my intensity. I can't help it though, what I am. So maybe that's why I have to talk to myself as I can 'run the energy' for quite a while before I crash. Even when I know a crash is coming (like I did last Thursday) and try to stall it, it doesn't work.
BUT like the Phoenix that I am, I rise again and again...out of the flames or out of the raging sea (or both at once), I spread my wings and shine my light.
I feel more at peace again today...somehow different but peaceful. In a quiet (but chatty) place where I recognize that I have been a bit out of control emotionally the past few weeks. Flying so high at first, then bam, broken and flopping about like a fish out of water. I know to others I sometimes appear 'larger than life' or 'over the top' and maybe, to them, I am. Perhaps some would disagree that it is possible to love someone who one has never spoken to or touched...and I suppose that would be how it works for most people, but then again, I am very far from being 'most' people. I know when my Soul has been so deeply pierced and I know what I feel when I feel it; I know that I have never felt so much joy and peace and certainty than I do now. And so much heat...
I seriously have a one track mind sometimes! I have to be patient and allow things to unfold as they will. If he knew how much I think about being with him...or being under him... in the temple or in the crypt...or...
I love looking at him too...I can only imagine how it will be in person. Will I stare at him in hunger or blush like a maiden? Or, somehow, both all at once? I even intrigue myself with these things!!! And although I tell myself I won't ramble on and on about my love, I always seem to come back to him. He is on my mind...very obviously so!!
I so want to go to Virginia this weekend...I nearly emailed the lady and asked if she'd give us a discount (as she isn't booked yet). BUT I can't really justify it, especially as the car needs so much work and the drive would probably kill her off. Yet...I am longing to be in the mountains and see the leaves. I've been fighting this urge for nearly 2 weeks now. Maybe if I make a lot of money today I will email her tonight...I will let Spirit decide what the right thing is to do on this. Lots of money = weekend trip. Little money = stay home.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturn - Neptune, Osiris - Isis??
I've somewhat turned my poetry blog into a temporary holding ground for my personal astro-rambles. Sometimes this stuff should be on the astrology blog but it is way too personal so it ends up here. Perhaps once I work through some of it and formulate something worthy to share with the world I will create something of value for TNF.
I am still in something of an emotional crisis but I think it is because I fell extremely ill last night and am unable to focus for too long on anything significant. I swear I have had this same crap 3 times already this year...likely a mutating strain of some type of flu. Not sure. But I am certainly not feeling great. Funny how I am feeling upset I will miss the gym tomorrow...I can barely walk, so don't think I will be in any shape for all that.
I have been drawn to think about my Saturn-Neptune opposition today...I suppose anything I can toss out here to myself may help in the future when I finally get to work on my pet project (instead of just talking about it). I actually have a lot of it written in my head but just need to pull it all together, do the necessary additional research, and pop it out. Sounds easy...that's me fooling myself.
So...a huge struggle my whole life has been feeling out of control in so many areas. That other people control me, or have power over me, especially men when it comes to sex and intimacy. Like I have no ability or right to say no, so I become evasive, hide, or situate myself with men around me to block out approaches by others (maybe why I've always had male friends??? In my early 20's I was always surrounded by GAY males...my supposedly safe protectors?!) I was even engaged to one and almost agreed to remain celibate! Oh, thank the Universe for not letting me do something that stupid...not to mention he nearly killed me when I tried to get away and then stalked me for years. If it hadn't been for another man who had just happened to stop by WAITING TO SEE HIM, I probably wouldn't be here. That man (boy really, he was only 17) saved my life, I know it. I am really on a roll regarding self-understanding this weekend.
Anyhow, I found the following on the internet:
Across from the 8th house, the 2nd house is where we possess things: money, valuables, values and even ourselves. It is the sphere of control over our lives, the place where we exert power over what we own, including our bodies. It is the space where we forge self-worth, self-control, self-possession.
In the 2nd house we POSSESS our BODIES...I have NEPTUNE there...not much in possession of myself, am I?? No wonder I have always felt I was prey!
The 8th house is exactly the opposite: It is where power, control and possession belong to others. We usually think of the 8th house as other people’s money, but that’s just a symbol of its underlying and deeply powerful dynamic: the ability of another person — including their possessions, valuables, values and motivations — to affect our lives without our consent.
In the 8th house OTHERS POSSESS...my Saturn/Vx/Juno...
I found this info on this very interesting astro-site (it also discussed Isis & Osiris a bit): http://www.depthastrology.net/2008/10/09/astrologys-8th-house-possession-sedation-rope-swings-and-trust/
Ironically, I LONG to be POSSESSED by a lover...to be pillaged and taken, even somewhat 'owned,' especially sexually. The catch is that he must be a lover of MY choice, one I TRUST with every aspect of my being, knowing that he cherishes me and would never truly hurt me. It seems such a conflict within me, doesn't it? But within that state of trust and love, the sky would be the limit. So if I was in such a state, I would not resent being possessed at all but would rather freely (Neptune) give all over to him. And in that state, he would be my safe place and protector, keeping all the other men away from me and realizing my full devotion (Neptune). How did I go off on this tangent??? I am too sick to get worked up - or so I thought.
It all ties in together though, really...all about understanding my own Being on a deeper level. Understanding my past, my present, and looking forward to a happier, more loving, more self-honest future.
I am still in something of an emotional crisis but I think it is because I fell extremely ill last night and am unable to focus for too long on anything significant. I swear I have had this same crap 3 times already this year...likely a mutating strain of some type of flu. Not sure. But I am certainly not feeling great. Funny how I am feeling upset I will miss the gym tomorrow...I can barely walk, so don't think I will be in any shape for all that.
I have been drawn to think about my Saturn-Neptune opposition today...I suppose anything I can toss out here to myself may help in the future when I finally get to work on my pet project (instead of just talking about it). I actually have a lot of it written in my head but just need to pull it all together, do the necessary additional research, and pop it out. Sounds easy...that's me fooling myself.
So...a huge struggle my whole life has been feeling out of control in so many areas. That other people control me, or have power over me, especially men when it comes to sex and intimacy. Like I have no ability or right to say no, so I become evasive, hide, or situate myself with men around me to block out approaches by others (maybe why I've always had male friends??? In my early 20's I was always surrounded by GAY males...my supposedly safe protectors?!) I was even engaged to one and almost agreed to remain celibate! Oh, thank the Universe for not letting me do something that stupid...not to mention he nearly killed me when I tried to get away and then stalked me for years. If it hadn't been for another man who had just happened to stop by WAITING TO SEE HIM, I probably wouldn't be here. That man (boy really, he was only 17) saved my life, I know it. I am really on a roll regarding self-understanding this weekend.
Anyhow, I found the following on the internet:
Across from the 8th house, the 2nd house is where we possess things: money, valuables, values and even ourselves. It is the sphere of control over our lives, the place where we exert power over what we own, including our bodies. It is the space where we forge self-worth, self-control, self-possession.
In the 2nd house we POSSESS our BODIES...I have NEPTUNE there...not much in possession of myself, am I?? No wonder I have always felt I was prey!
The 8th house is exactly the opposite: It is where power, control and possession belong to others. We usually think of the 8th house as other people’s money, but that’s just a symbol of its underlying and deeply powerful dynamic: the ability of another person — including their possessions, valuables, values and motivations — to affect our lives without our consent.
In the 8th house OTHERS POSSESS...my Saturn/Vx/Juno...
I found this info on this very interesting astro-site (it also discussed Isis & Osiris a bit): http://www.depthastrology.net/2008/10/09/astrologys-8th-house-possession-sedation-rope-swings-and-trust/
Ironically, I LONG to be POSSESSED by a lover...to be pillaged and taken, even somewhat 'owned,' especially sexually. The catch is that he must be a lover of MY choice, one I TRUST with every aspect of my being, knowing that he cherishes me and would never truly hurt me. It seems such a conflict within me, doesn't it? But within that state of trust and love, the sky would be the limit. So if I was in such a state, I would not resent being possessed at all but would rather freely (Neptune) give all over to him. And in that state, he would be my safe place and protector, keeping all the other men away from me and realizing my full devotion (Neptune). How did I go off on this tangent???
It all ties in together though, really...all about understanding my own Being on a deeper level. Understanding my past, my present, and looking forward to a happier, more loving, more self-honest future.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Il Mio Mondo...Poseidon
Just another day lost at Sea, lol...and enjoying it. Dreaming a dream, reveling in oceanic feelings of bliss and connection, at least for the past hour or so. I've been contemplating on my love's Poseidon/SN/Cupido conjunction in the 12th...such a spiritual loving & intuitive potential!
When I think back over the readings I have done for him, not even knowing about this conjunction, I truly amaze my own self with the information I can pull in. I am so blessed in so many ways; I just need to keep it in mind when I feel overwhelmed by other's needs. I am especially blessed with my love. He is the most amazing man...never in a million years could I have dreamed him up even in my most vivid fantasy world! And it is not that I put him on a pedestal (too high) in an unrealistic way - at least I don't think so! - but rather I am amazed that there is actually someone in the Universe I feel so close and attuned to...and most important, that I feel safe emotionally with and can trust with all my deeper Self. Someone of my spiritual equal and (I just know) sexual equal, which is only something I have dreamed of in the past, never truly thinking it was possible, let alone residing within one Soul! And this is why I am lost in a sea of bliss. And his powers of concentration and memory and intelligence and humor and those gorgeous eyes, oh...I've never felt any sort of awe for anyone in my life, ever, prior to meeting him. This is an entirely new experience for me and I am just beside myself with internal happiness and peace. A deep healing is taking place between us. I am very aware of this and there is nothing more beautiful.
Some days, like today, I just want to shout it from a mountaintop somewhere and laugh and laugh and laugh. Others may think I am totally crazy but I don't care! I even overwhelm myself with my emotions sometimes, which is why I have to write to myself...quietly ecstatic. I was scared before, I know that now...not prepared for such a deep state of connection. Not prepared to put down all walls. Although it was difficult I see now that perhaps our separation was necessary so that I would be more open to the powerful energy between us; so I would stop fighting and surrender to it...to not feel threatened by my own feelings and all that he invokes within me, but to learn to embrace and enjoy it. I now find myself so intensely with him, so devoted, so...loving, but it goes so far beyond a lust or a crush or even anything I have felt before as love. It is truly an experience that goes beyond any words or description. I could not even know how to tell him all that I feel with words. It is something that must be shared through the meeting of eyes and the joining of bodies.
And I should, um, stop thinking along those lines lest I frustrate myself, lol.
So...how about a poem? :D From one of my favorite poets (the only one who compares is Blake:))
Love's Philosophy
"The fountains mingle with the rivers
And the rivers with the oceans,
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle.
Why not I with thine?
See the mountains kiss high heaven
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother,
And the sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea:
What is all this sweet work worth
If thou kiss not me?"
Percy Bysshe Shelley
When I think back over the readings I have done for him, not even knowing about this conjunction, I truly amaze my own self with the information I can pull in. I am so blessed in so many ways; I just need to keep it in mind when I feel overwhelmed by other's needs. I am especially blessed with my love. He is the most amazing man...never in a million years could I have dreamed him up even in my most vivid fantasy world! And it is not that I put him on a pedestal (too high) in an unrealistic way - at least I don't think so! - but rather I am amazed that there is actually someone in the Universe I feel so close and attuned to...and most important, that I feel safe emotionally with and can trust with all my deeper Self. Someone of my spiritual equal and (I just know) sexual equal, which is only something I have dreamed of in the past, never truly thinking it was possible, let alone residing within one Soul! And this is why I am lost in a sea of bliss. And his powers of concentration and memory and intelligence and humor and those gorgeous eyes, oh...I've never felt any sort of awe for anyone in my life, ever, prior to meeting him. This is an entirely new experience for me and I am just beside myself with internal happiness and peace. A deep healing is taking place between us. I am very aware of this and there is nothing more beautiful.
Some days, like today, I just want to shout it from a mountaintop somewhere and laugh and laugh and laugh. Others may think I am totally crazy but I don't care! I even overwhelm myself with my emotions sometimes, which is why I have to write to myself...quietly ecstatic. I was scared before, I know that now...not prepared for such a deep state of connection. Not prepared to put down all walls. Although it was difficult I see now that perhaps our separation was necessary so that I would be more open to the powerful energy between us; so I would stop fighting and surrender to it...to not feel threatened by my own feelings and all that he invokes within me, but to learn to embrace and enjoy it. I now find myself so intensely with him, so devoted, so...loving, but it goes so far beyond a lust or a crush or even anything I have felt before as love. It is truly an experience that goes beyond any words or description. I could not even know how to tell him all that I feel with words. It is something that must be shared through the meeting of eyes and the joining of bodies.
And I should, um, stop thinking along those lines lest I frustrate myself, lol.
So...how about a poem? :D From one of my favorite poets (the only one who compares is Blake:))
Love's Philosophy
"The fountains mingle with the rivers
And the rivers with the oceans,
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle.
Why not I with thine?
See the mountains kiss high heaven
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother,
And the sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea:
What is all this sweet work worth
If thou kiss not me?"
Percy Bysshe Shelley
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Immortal love opens like a Lotus in bloom
In this sacred place, the inner core of my own Being, I am aware of the subtle shift not only within my own mini-cosmos but within the larger cosmos as a whole. Each day the sesen opens into a blossom as the Sun climbs higher in the sky...and I sense this blossoming as surely as I feel my love's heart beating as he rests.
Now I am at peace, in this moment I am in the flow, bathing in the richness of energy and the pulsating rhythm of the Universe. I am quiet and steady, my love growing with every breath I take in this body. My love for my love and my love for all that is, blossoming as the lotus in many directions, encompassing all in Spirit but reserved in essence for my immortal love, my beloved of the beloved. I am intense, true, and few would understand the depth of my intensity - the hot and cool waters which swirl together, the sacred pearl and the duality of life, the balance created through opposites as we interact and touch one another. There are no words to express all that I feel or all that I see...and the most magnificent aspect is the beauty of being able to let go. To relinquish control and knowing - trusting -that all will unfold as intended...having all fears quieted and standing steady in the garden, holding the apple with full knowledge that I will never regret taking a bite. For my love is a sacred love, an immortal love, reaching far beyond this life and this form, ordained and written in the Stars.
I have loved before...yet no matter how deep a love I have felt for others in the past, none come close to what I am feeling now. I have questioned whether I have ever truly loved before, and I feel the answer lies in the wide variety of manifestations of love and the potential to give and receive love. Yes, I have loved but not in such a spiritual, all-encompassing, unconditional, truly connected way...I have never felt so at ease within the emotions, so fully involved, grounded while dreaming. I have been involved in Saturn-Neptune connections before and have suffered both the beauty and the pain...but within this love, the times I have felt pain, I never lost sight of the beauty. Even when he let me go for several months, I embraced the beauty and the growth I had experienced within. Anger - which is something I would usually feel at such treatment - was fleeting and barely perceptible. Sadness, which I did feel, would have led to despondency and there were times of that...but beneath it all, even in our separation, I felt my love for him in a timeless way. A knowing that I loved him and that I had always loved him deep down within the waters of my Soul. A knowing that he was within me, always. And I liked feeling him within...and I have truly granted him access with blessings and love, trusting him with all that I am. He is the only Soul I would trust within my own. This sets him apart from every other love I have ever known. I admire him, I respect him, I honor him.
I do not know how it will unfold and I will not try to force it; rather, I will relax and enjoy him and our connection, knowing that I love him in an open manner, love freely and delightfully given, just as the Sun provides the light for the Lotus to blossom...knowing that I will love him forever, no matter how far apart we are, incarnated in form or not. No matter our challenges.
He is my Dragon, my phoenix and rebirth. His fire inspires me; his heart is the pearl of wisdom and unfolding beauty. Through my love for him I caress the Universe.
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