Dena L Moore's Poetry of Love, Loss, and the Occult...plus tidbits of chatter and disjointed thoughts
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I am filled with wonder
today. I have had such a terrible and stressful week and have had to let go of someone who has been important to me, but today I am in such a calm and open mood. I only have a moment to write but have to express this wonder! I was looking over old photos, searching for one in particular I took for SP over a year ago that he never had a chance to see, when I saw one of his pictures - of course I HAD to look at him, as I always love to do! lol But today I just looked and found tears rolling down my face. They came from nowhere. I was confused for a second but then realized they were tears of JOY! This is why I am filled with wonder. I am amazed and happy. He is so gorgeous and intriguing and brilliant and fascinating and...oh! Sometimes I make myself blush when thinking of him. I really do.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Love, Death, free-floating anxiety, and loneliness
Oh, lord...lol...Did you know there is a dating site for spiritual singles? No? I didn't either until I received some SPAM from them a few minutes ago.
It's sad really that I have a house full of people playing a board game and I would rather write to myself. What is wrong with me anymore? Is this simply Saturn in the 12th? I think maybe I am just overwhelmed with it all and the uncertainty of the future is wearing on me some today. I talk to people I've talked to for years and just really have so little interest in interacting...yet I am lonely. I am sad. I just had my Venus Return and Venus is now on my Jupiter. The Sun is sextile my Sun. I don't see anything much astrologically for my current mood but maybe I'm not looking deep enough. The nodal axis is on my MC/IC. I really don't know.
I suppose it could be just that I am super-sensitive to both Saturn and Pluto energy and they are now in square formation. I feel something brewing...anxiety, tension, something is going to happen. Tomorrow is a master number day (33) and this could be part of it too. Right before 9/11 I was having terrible anxiety for a few weeks along with nightmares. This feeling is similar to that time but so much is happening personally it is difficult to know how to separate it all. Maybe that is why I need to talk to myself. If I start talking about this stuff with most people I get that stupid blank stare that makes me question whether it is me or them! Having Mercury retrograde in tight conjunction with Pluto (on the 12th cusp) sextile Neptune and trine Saturn in the 8th more or less guarantees that I have very few people I can truly communicate with. I can talk all I want but so few understand what I am saying...they hear the words but can't make the connections. And it goes both ways too...I can hear the words but not digest them sometimes. Or worse...that horrid feeling of boredom that descends when others are talking and I am not connecting because whatever they are talking about is so boring or superficial to me. Also I find that I am feeling somewhat blocked right now...unable to express myself really to others or no real desire to. I'm turned inward, I guess. Processing recent events. Worrying about what is to come and how to deal with it. Missing SP but happy he is having such wonderful experiences and not wanting to burden him with my dilemmas because I don't want to cause him any stress. Yet I feel 'stuffed' up and unable to express things that need to be expressed because I can't write about other people's business here...so the only outlet I would have would be to tell him what has happened in private but unable to feel comfortable doing so because I care about him too much to dump a bunch of shit on him when he is having a good time! I could talk to my german pal but don't really want to listen to that, which I have already heard from my other gemini friend. I need SP's compassionate and understanding response, not the crap other people respond with.
I am feeling too deeply with all the current Scorpio energy. Too deep with no real way to express all I am feeling...stuffing it down too much, feeling tense. I am also in a bad way with my spinal/neck/jaw thing today, which tends to make me emotional. I need some love and comfort. Need to be held and told it will be all right. Guess I am needy tonight and unable to cope. I hate feeling like this. I know it is my inner wounded little girl and do my best to provide for her, but there are times when self-nurturing isn't always enough. Ah, well...it will pass soon enough, it always does, and I will be my bubbly self again before I know it.
And a poem from one of my favorite poets, who I just now tonight read she committed suicide. It seems so many poets lives have ended in tragedy...the influence of Neptune, I suppose.
Love And Death
Shall we, too, rise forgetful from our sleep,
And shall my soul that lies within your hand
Remember nothing, as the blowing sand
Forgets the palm where long blue shadows creep
When winds along the darkened desert sweep?
Or would it still remember, tho' it spanned
A thousand heavens, while the planets fanned
The vacant ether with their voices deep?
Soul of my soul, no word shall be forgot,
Nor yet alone, beloved, shall we see
The desolation of extinguished suns,
Nor fear the void wherethro' our planet runs,
For still together shall we go and not
Fare forth alone to front eternity.
Sara Teasdale
It's sad really that I have a house full of people playing a board game and I would rather write to myself. What is wrong with me anymore? Is this simply Saturn in the 12th? I think maybe I am just overwhelmed with it all and the uncertainty of the future is wearing on me some today. I talk to people I've talked to for years and just really have so little interest in interacting...yet I am lonely. I am sad. I just had my Venus Return and Venus is now on my Jupiter. The Sun is sextile my Sun. I don't see anything much astrologically for my current mood but maybe I'm not looking deep enough. The nodal axis is on my MC/IC. I really don't know.
I suppose it could be just that I am super-sensitive to both Saturn and Pluto energy and they are now in square formation. I feel something brewing...anxiety, tension, something is going to happen. Tomorrow is a master number day (33) and this could be part of it too. Right before 9/11 I was having terrible anxiety for a few weeks along with nightmares. This feeling is similar to that time but so much is happening personally it is difficult to know how to separate it all. Maybe that is why I need to talk to myself. If I start talking about this stuff with most people I get that stupid blank stare that makes me question whether it is me or them! Having Mercury retrograde in tight conjunction with Pluto (on the 12th cusp) sextile Neptune and trine Saturn in the 8th more or less guarantees that I have very few people I can truly communicate with. I can talk all I want but so few understand what I am saying...they hear the words but can't make the connections. And it goes both ways too...I can hear the words but not digest them sometimes. Or worse...that horrid feeling of boredom that descends when others are talking and I am not connecting because whatever they are talking about is so boring or superficial to me. Also I find that I am feeling somewhat blocked right now...unable to express myself really to others or no real desire to. I'm turned inward, I guess. Processing recent events. Worrying about what is to come and how to deal with it. Missing SP but happy he is having such wonderful experiences and not wanting to burden him with my dilemmas because I don't want to cause him any stress. Yet I feel 'stuffed' up and unable to express things that need to be expressed because I can't write about other people's business here...so the only outlet I would have would be to tell him what has happened in private but unable to feel comfortable doing so because I care about him too much to dump a bunch of shit on him when he is having a good time! I could talk to my german pal but don't really want to listen to that, which I have already heard from my other gemini friend. I need SP's compassionate and understanding response, not the crap other people respond with.
I am feeling too deeply with all the current Scorpio energy. Too deep with no real way to express all I am feeling...stuffing it down too much, feeling tense. I am also in a bad way with my spinal/neck/jaw thing today, which tends to make me emotional. I need some love and comfort. Need to be held and told it will be all right. Guess I am needy tonight and unable to cope. I hate feeling like this. I know it is my inner wounded little girl and do my best to provide for her, but there are times when self-nurturing isn't always enough. Ah, well...it will pass soon enough, it always does, and I will be my bubbly self again before I know it.
And a poem from one of my favorite poets, who I just now tonight read she committed suicide. It seems so many poets lives have ended in tragedy...the influence of Neptune, I suppose.
Love And Death
Shall we, too, rise forgetful from our sleep,
And shall my soul that lies within your hand
Remember nothing, as the blowing sand
Forgets the palm where long blue shadows creep
When winds along the darkened desert sweep?
Or would it still remember, tho' it spanned
A thousand heavens, while the planets fanned
The vacant ether with their voices deep?
Soul of my soul, no word shall be forgot,
Nor yet alone, beloved, shall we see
The desolation of extinguished suns,
Nor fear the void wherethro' our planet runs,
For still together shall we go and not
Fare forth alone to front eternity.
Sara Teasdale
Monday, November 9, 2009
Weight of woes
The stress continues unabated...with the approaching Saturn-Pluto square I can only assume that it will continue throughout the week. I want to write and release some of this but I only have a few moments now...may return to this in a few hours if I have any privacy to really write. In the meantime, maybe crying will help! Oh, that's right, I have no privacy for that either.
Well, 7 hours later and I'm feeling a little better...an hour at the gym works wonders, truly. I pushed myself very hard this morning and now just returned from lunch with my sister and my friend. I am seriously addicted to greek food, lol. This place in town is owned and ran by Greeks...they bring family over to work in the restaurant and sponsor other greeks. The benefit of this is authentic food. Can't get any better pita than what they serve...yummy. Just what I don't need (carbs and gluten) but after the past 24 hours of non-stop drama, worry, stress, nightmares, being upset (on and on) I needed some comforting. Unfortunately the only comfort available at the moment is food.
My sisters are crazy...descending upon me like a swarm of locusts, asking to see pictures of my love, wanting to know everything (which of course I am very private and only tell what I feel like disclosing, lol) but when I light up at every thought of him and glow like an xmas tree when I speak of him, I can understand why they are so curious! I can't help it. So I showed them a few pictures and they were laughing at me because I get so....happy. And they 'approve' of him...how fun. Like I need anyone's approval!!!! I am sure they will soon get tired of me saying how amazing and gorgeous and wonderful he is...and how I've never felt like this or been so close to anyone. Which they can't understand because of the nature of our connection at the moment. Thinking of him has kept me going throughout everything I have had to deal with over the past month and gives me hope. My love and desire for him is stronger than ever...if someone would have asked me last year if I could love anyone more than I did him then, I would have laughed. What a shocker for me to feel it grow and grow and grow. It's truly amazing. He is such a light in my life...my joy, my heart. I hope he is having a great time still. I love it when he is happy.
Well, 7 hours later and I'm feeling a little better...an hour at the gym works wonders, truly. I pushed myself very hard this morning and now just returned from lunch with my sister and my friend. I am seriously addicted to greek food, lol. This place in town is owned and ran by Greeks...they bring family over to work in the restaurant and sponsor other greeks. The benefit of this is authentic food. Can't get any better pita than what they serve...yummy. Just what I don't need (carbs and gluten) but after the past 24 hours of non-stop drama, worry, stress, nightmares, being upset (on and on) I needed some comforting. Unfortunately the only comfort available at the moment is food.
My sisters are crazy...descending upon me like a swarm of locusts, asking to see pictures of my love, wanting to know everything (which of course I am very private and only tell what I feel like disclosing, lol) but when I light up at every thought of him and glow like an xmas tree when I speak of him, I can understand why they are so curious! I can't help it. So I showed them a few pictures and they were laughing at me because I get so....happy. And they 'approve' of him...how fun. Like I need anyone's approval!!!! I am sure they will soon get tired of me saying how amazing and gorgeous and wonderful he is...and how I've never felt like this or been so close to anyone. Which they can't understand because of the nature of our connection at the moment. Thinking of him has kept me going throughout everything I have had to deal with over the past month and gives me hope. My love and desire for him is stronger than ever...if someone would have asked me last year if I could love anyone more than I did him then, I would have laughed. What a shocker for me to feel it grow and grow and grow. It's truly amazing. He is such a light in my life...my joy, my heart. I hope he is having a great time still. I love it when he is happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)