You're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone."
A few lines from "Everywhere" by Michelle Branch...to me this is an incredibly powerful spiritual song, whether or not it was written and performed as such. Sometimes all I have is my relationship to Spirit and I suppose, in the end, that is all any of us truly have and I am blessed to have it. There are times when I question my direction and I know that I must simply let go and let higher power work through me but it is not easy, not at all, to relinquish working toward the dreams and basic desires that we all, in body, share. And I am very firmly entrenched in body despite fighting it for the majority of this life! It seems an odd catch-22 that I must deal with a body but am to face life from a perspective of not being my own person with my own dreams but rather a voice and a channel and a priest and... Erosion of the ego, I suppose.
I am feeling quite sad tonight...sad and alone, though not alone...never that. When I am feeling this way I can quite understand why some monks used to flog themselves...the pain of the body takes away the pain of the emotions and the longing for what they cannot enjoy. I can understand why those who do not have a strong link to Spirit (and perhaps the body itself) take their own lives when they feel such unbearable pain. But oh, it's nothing new to me, no...not new at all. I wanted to write a poem but nothing would come out...the few bits that did were too like prior works. I can't even find release that way at the moment, lol. Yet despite the pain and sadness, I keep on the happy, understanding, comforting face so others can have their needs met while mine go, as always, unfulfilled.
