I am still in something of an emotional crisis but I think it is because I fell extremely ill last night and am unable to focus for too long on anything significant. I swear I have had this same crap 3 times already this year...likely a mutating strain of some type of flu. Not sure. But I am certainly not feeling great. Funny how I am feeling upset I will miss the gym tomorrow...I can barely walk, so don't think I will be in any shape for all that.
I have been drawn to think about my Saturn-Neptune opposition today...I suppose anything I can toss out here to myself may help in the future when I finally get to work on my pet project (instead of just talking about it). I actually have a lot of it written in my head but just need to pull it all together, do the necessary additional research, and pop it out. Sounds easy...that's me fooling myself.
So...a huge struggle my whole life has been feeling out of control in so many areas. That other people control me, or have power over me, especially men when it comes to sex and intimacy. Like I have no ability or right to say no, so I become evasive, hide, or situate myself with men around me to block out approaches by others (maybe why I've always had male friends??? In my early 20's I was always surrounded by GAY males...my supposedly safe protectors?!) I was even engaged to one and almost agreed to remain celibate! Oh, thank the Universe for not letting me do something that stupid...not to mention he nearly killed me when I tried to get away and then stalked me for years. If it hadn't been for another man who had just happened to stop by WAITING TO SEE HIM, I probably wouldn't be here. That man (boy really, he was only 17) saved my life, I know it. I am really on a roll regarding self-understanding this weekend.
Anyhow, I found the following on the internet:
Across from the 8th house, the 2nd house is where we possess things: money, valuables, values and even ourselves. It is the sphere of control over our lives, the place where we exert power over what we own, including our bodies. It is the space where we forge self-worth, self-control, self-possession.
In the 2nd house we POSSESS our BODIES...I have NEPTUNE there...not much in possession of myself, am I?? No wonder I have always felt I was prey!
The 8th house is exactly the opposite: It is where power, control and possession belong to others. We usually think of the 8th house as other people’s money, but that’s just a symbol of its underlying and deeply powerful dynamic: the ability of another person — including their possessions, valuables, values and motivations — to affect our lives without our consent.
In the 8th house OTHERS POSSESS...my Saturn/Vx/Juno...
I found this info on this very interesting astro-site (it also discussed Isis & Osiris a bit): http://www.depthastrology.net/2008/10/09/astrologys-8th-house-possession-sedation-rope-swings-and-trust/
Ironically, I LONG to be POSSESSED by a lover...to be pillaged and taken, even somewhat 'owned,' especially sexually. The catch is that he must be a lover of MY choice, one I TRUST with every aspect of my being, knowing that he cherishes me and would never truly hurt me. It seems such a conflict within me, doesn't it? But within that state of trust and love, the sky would be the limit. So if I was in such a state, I would not resent being possessed at all but would rather freely (Neptune) give all over to him. And in that state, he would be my safe place and protector, keeping all the other men away from me and realizing my full devotion (Neptune). How did I go off on this tangent???
It all ties in together though, really...all about understanding my own Being on a deeper level. Understanding my past, my present, and looking forward to a happier, more loving, more self-honest future.
