Love, Death, free-floating anxiety, and loneliness

Oh, lord...lol...Did you know there is a dating site for spiritual singles? No? I didn't either until I received some SPAM from them a few minutes ago.

It's sad really that I have a house full of people playing a board game and I would rather write to myself. What is wrong with me anymore? Is this simply Saturn in the 12th? I think maybe I am just overwhelmed with it all and the uncertainty of the future is wearing on me some today. I talk to people I've talked to for years and just really have so little interest in interacting...yet I am lonely. I am sad. I just had my Venus Return and Venus is now on my Jupiter. The Sun is sextile my Sun. I don't see anything much astrologically for my current mood but maybe I'm not looking deep enough. The nodal axis is on my MC/IC. I really don't know.

I suppose it could be just that I am super-sensitive to both Saturn and Pluto energy and they are now in square formation.  I feel something brewing...anxiety, tension, something is going to happen. Tomorrow is a master number day (33) and this could be part of it too. Right before 9/11 I was having terrible anxiety for a few weeks along with nightmares. This feeling is similar to that time but so much is happening personally it is difficult to know how to separate it all.  Maybe that is why I need to talk to myself. If I start talking about this stuff with most people I get that stupid blank stare that makes me question whether it is me or them!  Having Mercury retrograde in tight conjunction with Pluto (on the 12th cusp) sextile Neptune and trine Saturn in the 8th more or less guarantees that I have very few people I can truly communicate with. I can talk all I want but so few understand what I am saying...they hear the words but can't make the connections. And it goes both ways too...I can hear the words but not digest them sometimes. Or worse...that horrid feeling of boredom that descends when others are talking and I am not connecting because whatever they are talking about is so boring or superficial to me. Also I find that I am feeling somewhat blocked right now...unable to express myself really to others or no real desire to. I'm turned inward, I guess. Processing recent events. Worrying about what is to come and how to deal with it. Missing SP but happy he is having such wonderful experiences and not wanting to burden him with my dilemmas because I don't want to cause him any stress.  Yet I feel 'stuffed' up and unable to express things that need to be expressed because I can't write about other people's business here...so the only outlet I would have would be to tell him what has happened in private but unable to feel comfortable doing so because I care about him too much to dump a bunch of shit on him when he is having a good time!  I could talk to my german pal but don't really want to listen to that, which I have already heard from my other gemini friend. I need SP's compassionate and understanding response, not the crap other people respond with.

I am feeling too deeply with all the current Scorpio energy. Too deep with no real way to express all I am feeling...stuffing it down too much, feeling tense. I am also in a bad way with my spinal/neck/jaw thing today, which tends to make me emotional. I need some love and comfort. Need to be held and told it will be all right. Guess I am needy tonight and unable to cope. I hate feeling like this. I know it is my inner wounded little girl and do my best to provide for her, but there are times when self-nurturing isn't always enough.  Ah, well...it will pass soon enough, it always does, and I will be my bubbly self again before I know it.

And a poem from one of my favorite poets, who I just now tonight read she committed suicide. It seems so many poets lives have ended in tragedy...the influence of Neptune, I suppose.

Love And Death
Shall we, too, rise forgetful from our sleep,
And shall my soul that lies within your hand
Remember nothing, as the blowing sand
Forgets the palm where long blue shadows creep
When winds along the darkened desert sweep?

Or would it still remember, tho' it spanned
A thousand heavens, while the planets fanned
The vacant ether with their voices deep?
Soul of my soul, no word shall be forgot,
Nor yet alone, beloved, shall we see

The desolation of extinguished suns,
Nor fear the void wherethro' our planet runs,
For still together shall we go and not
Fare forth alone to front eternity.

Sara Teasdale