So....here I am...

eating a piece of leftover cold pizza, burning a money candle, and basically playing hooky from work for the moment. I'm such a bad girl sometimes. And pizza should be outlawed, LOL. Especially the 'walmart' fresh ones, because they are cheap and absolutely delicious. This poor last piece was part of a Super supreme...was, as it is nearly gone!

I have a pile of email higher than Mt Rushmore waiting for me...I take one look at it and simply don't want to mess with any of it at all. But it will all have to be tackled and everything done before the weekend as it is my weekend off and I am long past due. Oh, I only have the November scopes, the weekly scopes, the weekly tarot, the Jan - March calendars, an astro-reading...on and on...all must be done by Friday afternoon. If not, then I will push some of it off until next week, but I would rather push myself harder and get it done. I am feeling somewhat better today and even got in some time at the gym. I took it very easy on myself though and only did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the weights. It was way too crowded this morning with a bunch of older people so I didn't want to hang around too long anyhow. It was 'better than nothing' as Dae would say. And no sign of my predator, so that was good, LOL. Poor guy...I don't even know him and he's already a villain. I will just have to get over myself and learn to handle these things like a somewhat 'normal' person...either that or pretend I know how.

I find it so ironic that I have all this email and I would rather write to myself! Well there is only one personal email in there from my german pal but as she was tearing into me when I was in my dark place, I haven't much desire to reply to it yet. It's been in there for 3 days now. See how naughty I am?? I suppose I will have to at some point today. I just want to chat, that's all, and maybe some would find it very sad that I have to talk to myself so much, but that's how it goes sometimes. Most everyone just chats with me online but I suppose that is hard for them to do when they never know when I am on! LOL Wow, this Saturn stuff has been simply...different. I think I did withdraw from most everyone last time he came around. Anyhow, I sometimes have absolutely nothing and everything to say all at once and it would drive others crazy if they had to listen (or read) my ongoing rambling for too long. Especially when I just randomly jump from one thing to the next without rhyme or reason. This particular thing drives my GP (ha ha German Pal) nuts, though she does it too. Of course she doesn't admit up to that or notice it, but is sure to call me on it. She says I wear her down with my intensity. I can't help it though, what I am. So maybe that's why I have to talk to myself as I can 'run the energy' for quite a while before I crash. Even when I know a crash is coming (like I did last Thursday) and try to stall it, it doesn't work.

BUT like the Phoenix that I am, I rise again and again...out of the flames or out of the raging sea (or both at once), I spread my wings and shine my light.

I feel more at peace again today...somehow different but peaceful. In a quiet (but chatty) place where I recognize that I have been a bit out of control emotionally the past few weeks. Flying so high at first, then bam, broken and flopping about like a fish out of water. I know to others I sometimes appear 'larger than life' or 'over the top' and maybe, to them, I am. Perhaps some would disagree that it is possible to love someone who one has never spoken to or touched...and I suppose that would be how it works for most people, but then again, I am very far from being 'most' people. I know when my Soul has been so deeply pierced and I know what I feel when I feel it; I know that I have never felt so much joy and peace and certainty than I do now. And so much heat...

I seriously have a one track mind sometimes! I have to be patient and allow things to unfold as they will. If he knew how much I think about being with him...or being under him... in the temple or in the crypt...or... I know I can be so confusing as I am so open with these things in writing sometimes (ok, most of the time), I probably give the impression that I am a rapist, LOL. When it is so far from who I am in the flesh...not a rapist, but certainly very sexual, but not in an in-your-face way...very subtle and erotic. I suppose this is what draws the Scorpion. I guess if you've truly got it, you don't have to flaunt it. HA HA In my case, I try to hide it from strangers. But with him...oh, I may be shy at first but he will melt me open within minutes. I will be so vulnerable but somehow that turns me on with him rather than off!! This is the trust thing again...and so different and delightful an experience for me. I suppose this is why I am so in awe of all these things that arise within me through our connection.

I love looking at him too...I can only imagine how it will be in person. Will I stare at him in hunger or blush like a maiden? Or, somehow, both all at once? I even intrigue myself with these things!!! And although I tell myself I won't ramble on and on about my love, I always seem to come back to him. He is on my mind...very obviously so!!

I so want to go to Virginia this weekend...I nearly emailed the lady and asked if she'd give us a discount (as she isn't booked yet). BUT I can't really justify it, especially as the car needs so much work and the drive would probably kill her off. Yet...I am longing to be in the mountains and see the leaves. I've been fighting this urge for nearly 2 weeks now. Maybe if I make a lot of money today I will email her tonight...I will let Spirit decide what the right thing is to do on this. Lots of money = weekend trip. Little money = stay home.