I am still and wait here in the silence...

Years of silence.

When I am down and, oh, my soul so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

Celtic Woman You Raise me Up

I have been quiet, oh so quiet, no doubt. Deep in my cave, down in the Underworld, stinging myself repeatedly. But it is time to rise again, to watch the vegetation grow, to sow seeds and create. Hades can stay below and leave me the hell alone.

There are new kernals, small gems crystallizing, sparkling little bits wanting to be shaped and molded into form. Strange how they've been there all along, waiting to be mined...I just haven't had the strength to do the digging for some time now. The weight of Hades upon me, stifling me, swallowing my energy, using me up.

I've shifted the weight, I've escaped and I see the light of the Sun trickling through. That's all I need, a tiny thin sliver of light, to make things grow. And so here I am...almost me, but not quite. A new version of me, old hidden scars healing, and I know the more recent scars, ones that don't run quite so deep, will mend in time. 

I'm in the process of rescuing tons of my old poetry from mini drives and converting them into usuable form. I will share some here as I make progress. A lot of my work was lost when I lost my poetry site but there is still quite a bit available on my pages at Author's Den  I am searching high and low for my poetry and articles but it will take some time, a labor of love.

Here's a poem I have recently found and converted:

Clash of Tides and Shore

Discord -

Movement, in, around, misstep

At the conjunction,

Your soul wrapped around mine,

Tripping and falling, merging in a clash,

Lightning ripping through,

Streaks of hellish heaven dipping down

To tantalize, electrify, tear us in two -

A sizzle, a spark, flash flood of emotion…

The timing was off (or was it?),

The song sung out of rhythm,

The instruments out of tune.

Discord -

Words not spoken hold the power,

So refrain, retrain, kiss the back of my hand,

Dip into the frenzy within,

It’s not as peaceful as you thought, is it?

The clash of the tides and shore, quiet heartache,

Tiny grains of sand washing away,

Scuttling crabs rushing in the surf,

Trapped in the storm, swollen in their shells…

The timing was off,

A humming drone - words you say,

An eclipse hidden within the rain…

Dena L Moore,  June 26, 2007

Do you know me? Really know me? This is both the question and the answer.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

I miss you

Saturn-Neptune

New thoughts - a breakthrough?? I don't know but let's see.

The Saturn - Neptune connection is a paradox allowing both partners the opportunity to grow beyond the everyday morality and help establish new ways of relating for future generations. It isn't about chaos nor necessarily destroying existing structures but rather accommodating a new way of relating that may - ok, will - go against the GRAIN OF COMMON SOCIETY. If the two partners are open and willing to experiment, they will find (perhaps over years time) that they do not necessarily NEED to be together in a common manner; despite this, the relationship may indeed be one of the most important they will ever experience. There is an opportunity for great joy - and great pain - but underlying the connection is the need to learn how to COMMUNICATE clearly and ACCOMMODATE the mundane obstacles and security ties that were created prior to the relationship until both partners are at a place where they can make the necessary changes that would grant them the 'favor' of joining together in both Spirit and Physicality. This is a MYSTICAL connection that the majority of the population would not understand or bless, because it's very essence strikes a blow at ingrained societal patterns of relating. This is one of the PRIMARY purposes of the Saturn-Neptune connection - to go BEYOND, to learn to LOVE unconditionally. It has the potential to rock many boats - Neptune's Earthquakes - and unsettle the classic vanguard that was put in place centuries ago.

Quite often one partner will grow too fearful and may need to fall back into a place of societal acceptance. The fear can destroy the connection and create an abundance of difficulties not only for the lover they abandon, but also for their own Soul's growth. In other words, entering into such a relationship is an opportunity but should not be taken lightly...karma will pull them together but if they refuse to do their individual work, the relationship will falter or they will separate for a while. It takes TWO people pulling together, loving one another enough to make room for the more mundane (Saturn) responsibilities of the partner until such a time that the challenges are overcome or fade away. Life is in a constant state of flux...to abandon a soul love due to insecurity or societal expectation is the equivalent of castrating the self on a Soul level. It is the same thing as finding the SELF as lacking or undeserving of experiencing a love the reaches deep into the Soul and manifests on a spiritual level no matter if the physical relationship is severed. It is hard work but with the greatest potential to discover the deeper mysteries of a Soul connection. Contrary to what others have written and believe, Soulmate relationships are not necessarily easy...but in general, much of the trouble comes from the EXTERNAL world and external SOCIETAL beliefs and obligations. The relationship itself may well be easy, loving, and very connected when able to function freely. Unfortunately those involved in such difficult circumstances may be unable to find a way to navigate the relationship without resorting to severing - the paradox of being deeply in love and loving and having others view the relationship as immoral or destructive is a challenge. How to be true to the Self and to Love when others would judge the relationship so severely? A relationship of this magnitude requires great courage and a willingness to obey the CALL from Spirit, despite the obstacles, despite the potential 'double-life' the partners may have to live for years in order to manifest the potential and discover what they have to offer the world together.

Just a kiss in the moonlight

Lady Antebellum lyrics:

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right...





Oh how I so so so so so so so so so love long slow kisses...there is nothing sexier or more sensual than lingering kisses, two souls merging, tasting, loving one another...such depth of intimacy. Tonight I could kiss for hours...gentle stroking, touching, whispering. I'm in a soft mood, so open and thankful and loving. I feel inspired and perhaps that is how it is meant to be, my Soul has been touched so deeply and unexpectedly...I feel humbled and delicate, yet somehow so loved in a very unusual way.

I can't believe how quickly time is flying by! I am looking forward to having my own space and own place and some freedom.

So I am rambling...it's been a strange day but I feel more relaxed and happier than I have since Seattle. I am truly blessed and I have nothing but love and smiles to give at the moment...oh, and kisses, I have plenty of those too, LOL

In the heart of all that matters

I am blessed.
In the heart of my heart
The Goddess rises, her arms spread wide,
Welcoming, enfolding all that is in the center
Of the Universe,
In the heart of all that matters.
This is the way, the path, the light,
The duality a reality,
Both sides equal, moving circle,
Ouroboros.
I am blessed.
Let me give thanks for the love I have to share,
The food I have to eat, the friendships old and new,
Let me give thanks.
I welcome the energy of the Universe to funnel through me,
I am a channel for the light.
Let me give thanks for my SP, for my children, for the long
Dark byways of my Soul leading me into serenity.
I am what I am. I am blessed.
I am before you, Lady. I am before you, Lord.
I am your child, consecrated in the Light.
I honor you both, in good times and bad,
In the darkness of the Mystery,
In the brilliance of Metatron's Light, through the Rainbow
Of my future land, where I will tread softly and kiss the Earth.
I am blessed, so blessed be.

So I am thinking of my SP and the tarot reading he had done...he doesn't realize that he covers his emotions so well, I don't think. Or maybe he does know. I hope he does know that I am here for him, that my heart and arms are open, and that I love him so. I never really thought of myself as the Queen of Swords and I wish that I knew what layout the reader was using so I could analyze and interpret my placement in that reading. Yet, I do see that it was/is me, especially after reading this interpretation online:

The Queen of Swords

The Queen of Swords indicates a woman who is blessed (or cursed) with sharp perception, and highly honed intuition. She is acutely analytical, with a razor-sharp ability to get to the heart of a situation, seeing exactly what is, rather than what others would wish her to see.

She is a private woman, unwilling to let people too close to her until she is satisfied she thoroughly understands their motivations. But once won as a friend, she is unfailingly loyal, honest and supportive.

She's usually very intelligent, with a dry sense of humour. Her penetrating insight will often reveal aspects of themselves to others that they had previously been unable to grasp - thus she is a capable therapist, teacher or leader.

The woman represented by this card will be experienced in the flow of life, understanding a great deal about both the great triumphs, and the deepest failings of the race. Her clarity and measured expression will be of great value at times of confusion and sadness.

Of course this was in the upright position, otherwise it would mean I was a cold-hearted bitch. While I admit I can be when pissed, it isn't my general nature. God I am in so much pain tonight...I better go.

A little boost

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.

Andre Gide


Whatever you can do, or dream you can - Begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Words of Wisdom before 8 am

• No matter what, stay present
• Do not turn away or turn completely within, despite disappointments
• Keep your heart and mind open, as this is the only way to see clearly
• Remain generous with your time and affection; do not spread negativity
• Embrace the world and the people within it; recognize that those who are lost need guidance, not punishment or banishment
•  Do not shy away from new people or new opportunities; explore the world and what it offers
• Let go of the material world battle, which has worsened recently
• Love, love, love

Never summon anything you can't banish...Get a taste of the Old Religion. Lick a witch.  LOL I could use a licking for sure.

Dreaming Of You

Dreaming Of You ~ Selena

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

'Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside? Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close
But so far all I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you, yes, I do

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me

Corazon
(I can't stop dreaming of you)
No puedo dejar de pensar en ti
(I can't stop dreaming of you)
Como te necesito
(I can't stop dreaming of you)
Mi amor, como te exstraño

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
And said, "I love you," I love you too

Now I'm dreaming with you tonight
'Til tomorrow and for all of my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming with you endlessly

Dreaming with you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming with you endlessly
(I'll be dreamin')

Dreaming of you tonight
(Endlessly)
And I'll be holding you tight
('Till tomorrow)
Dreaming with you tonight!
(Endlessly)
(Endlessly)
(Endlessly)
(Dreaming)

Kō ka 'uhane

Hikiwawe ka 'ike...pā makani, e lele iki ana! Alana pāka'uwili. I understand the depth of what I am seeing and feeling...the connection. And now out of the blue, I am communicating with some new person who has had a LEGITIMATE Metatron experience (so rare, I'm impressed) and somehow I've made a new connection I never made before. Venusian Metatron. Cherokee-Hawaiian. Tribal essence, tribal genetics...the spiral buried in our blood and the snake-energy, the rainbow.

So many are awakening and I need to learn more patience with them. They have so many questions about things that are, to me, so obvious and have been since I was very young. Once I remove myself more from the concrete jungle and the schedules of the rat race which are forced upon me, I may find a clear-view to sustain myself and those I am 'teaching.' 90% of the 'work' is unpaid and hidden, yet the gratification outshines any paycheck.

I feel so calm and centered when I pull back away from those I now call the 'negatives.' As I lift my vibration, those I choose to relate with will also be lifted.

This is fantastic...the absolute truth, posted by some anonymous user on a board:

"Duality indicates the mental plane of consciousness and you are experiencing the collective human mind. What you are seeing is that the collective mind is truly psychotic - twisted, perverted, sado-masochistic, paranoid - schizophrenic and psychopathic in the truest sense of the word.

As long as you look to the collective insanity (its experts, philosophies, gurus and religions) for your answers, you'll get what you've got.

The real universe is not split and fragmented and truly works from harmonious balance i.e. love, truth, beauty, etc. You can not get there holding hands with the "we."

Use your heart chakra and third eye to commune with the universe and you will be able to walk out of the prison of the mind (the realm of the megalo-maniacal satanic god of illusions) and into a field of infinite intelligence and love.

It is no more complicated than that."

God/dess, it is so PERFECT a statement. Divine insight.

And from a book I'm reading, called "The Secrets and Mysteries of Hawaii"

"In this world of chaotic change people are clearly divided into two camps. There are those of us who have become more fear-based and are with-drawing, retreating from life. They are the serious people who call themselves 'practical' by never going forward and by hedging all their bets with extra insurance. Their dreams are based only upon security. Their goals become more and more oriented towards relief from the drudgery of life.


Then there are those who have decided to get on with the joy that life can be. At every age they are realizing that we are entering into a new dimension of exploration. Resistance and competition for them are being exchanged for an all-out embrace of life. For these people of all ages, the magic has begun to pour back into their lives. Insurmountable problems dissolve. From health issues to their pocketbooks, things simply begin to work themselves out. What is their secret weapon against a world of chaos and confusion? It all has to do with attitude."

I want to experience as much joy as possible and I want to impart that sense of optimism and joy to help lift the vibration of those who are struggling to awaken. I lose my sense of pure Spirit when I am surrounded by the negative collective... I no longer view my move to Hawaii as an escape, but rather as a joyous adventure, one in which I can experience the Universe as it truly is, outside of the dualistic, warring nature of the collective. I will find my center and within my center I will experience bliss and be welcomed home.

I am the FOOL, in all Divine wisdom.

25 degrees Scorpio: An X-ray Photograph

Ok...so he is a hell-raiser and has trouble with the bottle, but I still can't take my eyes off the Irish eye candy. It's not like I have to deal with him in real life, so no worries. LOL  I can just enjoy the visuals. I especially like these two I found tonight.

An interesting chart to contemplate more in the future:

Not sure if this means I am wrong...I'm still working on the issue in my head and trying to read it all in the context of my life, what I know about myself, and what I suspect regarding my soul's intent. I do have Aquarius prenatal moon. I wish I had someone to chat with about it all but alas, I'm left to my own devices...besides, maybe it is best to work through it on my own.

25 degrees Scorpio: An X-ray Photograph

UNSTINKINGBELIEVABLE

There should be a law of some sort...

Water, Lava, Sunsets, Black Sand and those delicious kisses

And wow, how delicious his kisses are. I could kiss him all day if he allowed it...it is difficult being so far apart again but I have to bear it. I really had such a great time in Hawaii and loved how he took to driving here so easily...he is impressive in so many ways and for me to say that is - how should I say - unusual...because generally I am very difficult to impress. He is amazing and yes, I say it a lot but only because it is true and because I am amazed that he exists. I am never bored with him; he stirs me in so many ways mentally, spiritually, and physically. Physically...I dare not think in that direction as he is so far away. Oh...

I've got 9 lives, cat's eyes...

Yes, I'm back in black...

Lord Saturn...I wish you'd swallow me whole

...For Saturn in the 8th house carries deeper emotional scars than any other Saturnian placement, and the wounds are slower to heal.

The emotional isolation with an 8th house Saturn is even more acute than with a 4th house Saturn for the emotional needs are far more intense and directed toward individuals. It is union rather than security which is sought and union of a particularly intense and transforming kind....There is often a fascination with all things occult or, at the very least, an interest in the depths of the mind, and it is in utilising this interest and in learning the real nature of the energies of creation that the individual becomes a magician. The secrets of the powers of the unconscious are his, and these are literally life-giving powers for the healing of himself and others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I could not have said it better myself. I feel extremely emotionally isolated at the moment, but what else is new? This is how it is.

Desire

Desire

Where true Love burns Desire is Love's pure flame;
It is the reflex of our earthly frame,
That takes its meaning from the nobler part,
And but translates the language of the heart.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Ahh...Eros in his burning form - the desire to become...to unite...to move beyond and into a higher form. It is one of those days when I am feeling the distance. I don't much feel like talking but I need to feel his presence around me. I desire him, to be with him, to relax together and rest in the quiet. I have no interest in other men. This is something others cannot understand when they are telling me I'm out of my mind...to me it is obvious that those who think distance prevents love shows that they have never truly loved...they do not understand that it knows no boundaries and to fully open to it, that we must surrender. Trying to control it leaves it stagnant and dead because it cannot be controlled...Eros fuels Love. I just read an entire book on this topic and my favorite quote was: "Eros is the transformative force of life, love is the unifying force, and sexuality is the creative force." That's it in a nutshell, isn't it? Then "Eros bridges the gap between sexuality and love, it spans the chasm between two people...it softens and frees the flow of emotion."

Thanks and blessings

I want to give thanks tonight for the blessings in my life. No matter how difficult life gets, no matter how complicated, and despite external complications and occasional disappointments, I remain hopeful and look to the future, knowing that while I've had a lot of hard knocks, I have learned from everything and am becoming more and more defined and refined.

I think of everyone who has touched my life in some way, who have helped me or challenged me, lifted me up or dragged me through the dirt, and I give thanks for all experiences and forgiveness (as best I can). Some things are very difficult to forgive, but I feel that I can forgive even the most difficult. I may never understand why they've done things they've done and I will never condone it, but the difficulties have created 'me' just as much - maybe more so - than the good and easy things.

I feel that SP has touched me at the deepest levels and has helped me through some of the most difficult and trying emotional healing times. I give thanks for his presence in my life and his existence in this world at this time. Across the vast expanse of the ocean, on the other side of the world, across lifetimes...still we have connected and continue to connect and reconnect. I love him more than anyone could imagine and it no longer frightens me. I try to remind myself during the difficult days and moments when I feel our distance too deeply that it was a miracle we connected and that there is and has always been a higher purpose for our relationship, beyond personal love and gratification. Would I do it again? Absolutely. And again and again. Sometimes it is difficult and sometimes I get emotional but I can't imagine what life would be like now if we had never met...and I don't want to imagine it! Ever. I give thanks for my SP and I ask that his goals be met and supported by the Universe (if they are in his Soul's best interest). Please help him to gain the recognition he desires and the strength to make his future all that he wishes it to be.

I give thanks for my children, in their strengths and weaknesses. I ask to be supported in my desire to help make their dreams come true and in my ability to earn more money so that I can support them fully on my own, and not just support them at the bare minimum but healthily. May they always know that I love them and trust that I do my very best to give them the security and love they need and deserve.

Pictures turned out ok

There's a million more but this is all I have shrunk down. I need to decide which one to put on the website as the one on there is a year old.

Sun - Saturn...????

Something for me to ponder and think about...powerful conjunctions. Is it the house? Is it the situation? Is it both?  Probably.

Love, Born

Though I have been a bit lazy over the weekend I am happy as I have been inspired today to write a new poem, called Love, Born.  It arose while doing the dishes but that is how it goes, lol.   All of my creative drive has been going into my book, which is great too. It's hard to focus with the kids home on the weekends and while I was feeling a bit down last night and this morning, I am feeling lighter today. 

I've been doing a lot of inner processing and the anger I expressed the other day, while not very pretty, seems to have helped me release some of the old resentments. I am trying to work through this healing process and not repress the anger and sadness, which inevitably will arise. I want to leave on good terms and not as enemies. The children are the most important and I want it to be a genuine release without serious conflicts. I want to be able to look at him and feel compassion and forgiveness. I feel this will be easier when we are physically apart.

Dae is listening to Christmas music! 

I feel that dreaded tiredness sneaking upon me and there's really nothing here to make for dinner. I do not feel like walking 4 miles to get food either. I did that yesterday but only got enough food for one day. Will have to figure something out though.

Damn she can rock...

I can't believe I never heard of this woman before...I'm sort of shocked by that, as I was very deeply immersed in 70's rock growing up and this woman can really go at it. I can see how Joan Jett came up behind her, listening to this and also, unfortunately, copying her. Jett loses a little bit of her appeal due to that but of course her most popular songs, including "I Love Rock & Roll" and the one I love most, "Crimson and Clover" are covers!  So I see she lacked originality but has that je ne sais quoi that makes people stand out.

So, wow, Suzi Quatro...she can rock.

And my life is sort of fucked at the moment so I was escaping through music and no work has gotten done. After waking up to receiving my b-day gift from SP and thinking it was going to be an amazing day, things sort of took a southerly nose dive with this POS issue and being flat ass broke and all my savings depleted. I am really happy with the book as it is wonderful and full of so much info...how does he know how to get the perfect thing for me? :)  He amazes me and is so generous...I give thanks for him every day and love him more than I could ever put into words.