I've got 9 lives, cat's eyes...

Yes, I'm back in black...

Lord Saturn...I wish you'd swallow me whole

...For Saturn in the 8th house carries deeper emotional scars than any other Saturnian placement, and the wounds are slower to heal.

The emotional isolation with an 8th house Saturn is even more acute than with a 4th house Saturn for the emotional needs are far more intense and directed toward individuals. It is union rather than security which is sought and union of a particularly intense and transforming kind....There is often a fascination with all things occult or, at the very least, an interest in the depths of the mind, and it is in utilising this interest and in learning the real nature of the energies of creation that the individual becomes a magician. The secrets of the powers of the unconscious are his, and these are literally life-giving powers for the healing of himself and others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I could not have said it better myself. I feel extremely emotionally isolated at the moment, but what else is new? This is how it is.

Desire

Desire

Where true Love burns Desire is Love's pure flame;
It is the reflex of our earthly frame,
That takes its meaning from the nobler part,
And but translates the language of the heart.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Ahh...Eros in his burning form - the desire to become...to unite...to move beyond and into a higher form. It is one of those days when I am feeling the distance. I don't much feel like talking but I need to feel his presence around me. I desire him, to be with him, to relax together and rest in the quiet. I have no interest in other men. This is something others cannot understand when they are telling me I'm out of my mind...to me it is obvious that those who think distance prevents love shows that they have never truly loved...they do not understand that it knows no boundaries and to fully open to it, that we must surrender. Trying to control it leaves it stagnant and dead because it cannot be controlled...Eros fuels Love. I just read an entire book on this topic and my favorite quote was: "Eros is the transformative force of life, love is the unifying force, and sexuality is the creative force." That's it in a nutshell, isn't it? Then "Eros bridges the gap between sexuality and love, it spans the chasm between two people...it softens and frees the flow of emotion."

Thanks and blessings

I want to give thanks tonight for the blessings in my life. No matter how difficult life gets, no matter how complicated, and despite external complications and occasional disappointments, I remain hopeful and look to the future, knowing that while I've had a lot of hard knocks, I have learned from everything and am becoming more and more defined and refined.

I think of everyone who has touched my life in some way, who have helped me or challenged me, lifted me up or dragged me through the dirt, and I give thanks for all experiences and forgiveness (as best I can). Some things are very difficult to forgive, but I feel that I can forgive even the most difficult. I may never understand why they've done things they've done and I will never condone it, but the difficulties have created 'me' just as much - maybe more so - than the good and easy things.

I feel that SP has touched me at the deepest levels and has helped me through some of the most difficult and trying emotional healing times. I give thanks for his presence in my life and his existence in this world at this time. Across the vast expanse of the ocean, on the other side of the world, across lifetimes...still we have connected and continue to connect and reconnect. I love him more than anyone could imagine and it no longer frightens me. I try to remind myself during the difficult days and moments when I feel our distance too deeply that it was a miracle we connected and that there is and has always been a higher purpose for our relationship, beyond personal love and gratification. Would I do it again? Absolutely. And again and again. Sometimes it is difficult and sometimes I get emotional but I can't imagine what life would be like now if we had never met...and I don't want to imagine it! Ever. I give thanks for my SP and I ask that his goals be met and supported by the Universe (if they are in his Soul's best interest). Please help him to gain the recognition he desires and the strength to make his future all that he wishes it to be.

I give thanks for my children, in their strengths and weaknesses. I ask to be supported in my desire to help make their dreams come true and in my ability to earn more money so that I can support them fully on my own, and not just support them at the bare minimum but healthily. May they always know that I love them and trust that I do my very best to give them the security and love they need and deserve.

Pictures turned out ok

There's a million more but this is all I have shrunk down. I need to decide which one to put on the website as the one on there is a year old.

Sun - Saturn...????

Something for me to ponder and think about...powerful conjunctions. Is it the house? Is it the situation? Is it both?  Probably.

Love, Born

Though I have been a bit lazy over the weekend I am happy as I have been inspired today to write a new poem, called Love, Born.  It arose while doing the dishes but that is how it goes, lol.   All of my creative drive has been going into my book, which is great too. It's hard to focus with the kids home on the weekends and while I was feeling a bit down last night and this morning, I am feeling lighter today. 

I've been doing a lot of inner processing and the anger I expressed the other day, while not very pretty, seems to have helped me release some of the old resentments. I am trying to work through this healing process and not repress the anger and sadness, which inevitably will arise. I want to leave on good terms and not as enemies. The children are the most important and I want it to be a genuine release without serious conflicts. I want to be able to look at him and feel compassion and forgiveness. I feel this will be easier when we are physically apart.

Dae is listening to Christmas music! 

I feel that dreaded tiredness sneaking upon me and there's really nothing here to make for dinner. I do not feel like walking 4 miles to get food either. I did that yesterday but only got enough food for one day. Will have to figure something out though.

Damn she can rock...

I can't believe I never heard of this woman before...I'm sort of shocked by that, as I was very deeply immersed in 70's rock growing up and this woman can really go at it. I can see how Joan Jett came up behind her, listening to this and also, unfortunately, copying her. Jett loses a little bit of her appeal due to that but of course her most popular songs, including "I Love Rock & Roll" and the one I love most, "Crimson and Clover" are covers!  So I see she lacked originality but has that je ne sais quoi that makes people stand out.

So, wow, Suzi Quatro...she can rock.

And my life is sort of fucked at the moment so I was escaping through music and no work has gotten done. After waking up to receiving my b-day gift from SP and thinking it was going to be an amazing day, things sort of took a southerly nose dive with this POS issue and being flat ass broke and all my savings depleted. I am really happy with the book as it is wonderful and full of so much info...how does he know how to get the perfect thing for me? :)  He amazes me and is so generous...I give thanks for him every day and love him more than I could ever put into words.

I feel radiant...

but tired after sorting out some things and then doing yoga and then learning new meditations...despite the tiredness, which they said in the video may happen, I am feeling calm and happy. My nose still feels like it is on fire...LOL. It's been a number of years since I've used the breath of fire and wow, I can tell. But it is time to really shift myself physically.

I have been working on my health and I think I know what has happened. Last year when I was pushing my body so hard, working out for 90 minutes in the morning and then walking long distances in the evening really exhausted my adrenals, which I am prone to. So now for me to push my body like that again...it's just not going to work. I'm trying to compromise with it and take things gradually instead of expecting perfection immediately, which I tend to do to myself too much. I wish I could break my diet pepsi addiction as I know it is horrible for me and yet I crave it. Mainly when the stress gets to be too much. I

wow...too tired to even ramble. Better lie down for a bit.

I love him

I just feel it so deeply tonight...I wish we could be together, communicating with our bodies. He is the sexiest man in the Universe.

The Garden Of Love

The Garden Of Love

I went to the Garden of Love.

And saw what I never had seen:

A Chapel was built in the midst,

Where I used to play on the green.

And the gates of this Chapel were shut,

And Thou shalt not, writ over the door;

So I turn'd to the Garden of Love,

That so many sweet flowers bore,

And I saw it was filled with graves,

And tomb-stones where flowers should be:

And priests in black gowns, were walking their rounds,

And binding with briars, my joys & desires.

William Blake

Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder

I am too tired to write much but I wanted to express my thanks and gratitude for my SP's presence in my life. He has touched me in ways that can't be explained. I feel him and understand him on a level that others could not imagine. He is a wondrous and amazing man who continues to capture my heart and fuel my inspiration. I love him. He brings me peace and a deep desire all at once.

Let life touch you...

Life has touched me today, in one of those ways that go beyond explanation. I just found this page on "The Four Emotions That Can Lead To Life Change" and really liked it.  I want to put it here so I can read it again in the future :)

I have a new client who came unexpectedly last night and she has lived a very difficult life...one worse - in some ways - than my own, which is difficult to imagine sometimes but the truth.  We met today and though she only paid for 30 minutes of tarot - which I never even touched my deck - we were together for 2 1/2 hours.  She wanted to pay me more but I said not to worry. I do not feel bad or resentful about it but rather elated and happy that I was able to make a difference. I believe she lost about 100 lbs worth of guilt in our time together and even said how she felt amazing and much lighter. I am tired now but so thankful. Maybe I am poor but when I can make a real difference in my work, it is worth it. I am spiritually rich. I will die knowing that I have made a positive mark on many Souls and that means I will be able to die in peace when it is time.  I have a number of things in common with this woman, even the desire to work with children in hospice. When Gare is older and needs less care I would like to volunteer to stay with them while they pass on. I know others may not understand my desire to work with dying children but the main reason I want to is because I can...there aren't too many like me in the world and their souls need love and guidance during transition just as much or more than older people.

Ah well, I have all sorts of plans and ideas and who knows if any of them will become reality. I can see my work/job is already in the process of a shift and I think I like it. I feel blessed today and positive that I am fulfilling contractual obligations as written in my 'contract'. I am so happy that Venus has finally gotten out of my 12th house so that others can 'see' me again and come to me...I am never happier than when I am truly being of service and making a difference for others. I do need to earn a living though too, so it is good that Venus is out of my 12th and she won't return during the retro. I am thinking about doing more work on family dynamics and offering family karma as a specific reading but will see.

Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give.

- Eleanor Roosevelt
 
Joy can be real only if people look on their life as a service, and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness.

- Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy


There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

- Kahlil Gibran


There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.

- John Andrew Holmes Jr., American writer and minister
 
 
You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make.

- Gorden B. Hinkley

I wonder...

what this Full Moon on my Nodes will bring...so far it is quiet and I am relatively calm, sort of dreamy. I want to write a poem but I feel almost too soft (and scattered) to do so. 


And a poem....by Sara Teasdale

Longing

I am not sorry for my soul
That it must go unsatisfied,
For it can live a thousand times,
Eternity is deep and wide.

I am not sorry for my soul,
But oh, my body that must go
Back to a little drift of dust
Without the joy it longed to know.

To be within the collective Soul

You cannot find your soul with your mind, you must use your heart. You must know what you are feeling. If you don't know what you are feeling, you will create unconsciously. If you are unconscious of an aspect of yourself; if it operates outside your field of awareness, that aspect has power over you.

~ Gary Zukav ~

I find myself deep in contemplation the past several days. I sense an awareness within the calm that I haven't experienced for several months. I feel the energy of Spirit moving through me, touching me, changing me from the inside out. There is a great attunement taking place and I have received emails from clients who are resonating from a higher place. What is it like to be at one, to be within the collective Soul? It is a peaceful place...chaos does not end or begin but rather circles around in one big mass, such as the planets move around the Sun. We are our own little Universe, encased in flesh, grounded in human form...and when we are in our Center, we are at once a building block for Higher Source and a Universe in our own right. It is our responsibility to become, to grow, to evolve...the fears we face are but obstacles on the path making us ever more resilient and ever stronger a foundational block upon which to build.

Everything is a Miracle

There are only two ways to live your life.

One is as though nothing is a miracle.

The other is as if everything is.

~ Albert Einstein ~

Life is a miracle...there are times when I forget to be thankful and fail to be grateful; there are moments when I am angry and lose my way but I find my way back. I stop and take a deep breath; I let the tears fall. When the storm clouds part and the Sun pokes back through, I lift my hands skyward and give thanks.

Twisted Beauty and the Sea of Love

I love this tree, aptly named "Twisted Beauty" by the photographer. I will eventually write a poem for it, all in due course :)  Today I finally wrote a poem after a few weeks off...actually, I just counted and it's only been ten days. The last one I kept to myself - I do that sometimes! 

Twisted Beauty reminds me of my life. It is twisted and it is beautiful and sometimes it is twisted and beautiful all at once. There are days where I nearly give up trying to untangle it and this morning I felt squashed, as if nothing I do matters. I wrote a huge blog last night and then deleted it, for whatever reason...sometimes I do that too, when I feel too vulnerable. 

I'm feeling very raw today. The Moon is activating the past Lunar and Solar eclipses, Mars is activating the t-square (was a grand cross when the moon passed through) and Venus is activating the recent Saturn-Uranus opposition. Venus is currently on my Venus/Mars midpoint and I feel this affects my ASC-DSC axis (being the rulers) as well as my nodes (with natal Mars conjunct the SN). I'm lonely. I do not know how much lonelier I can be and at the same time I don't feel like talking to anyone or reaching out.  It will pass, I know. Life seems so unfair sometimes. I've been giving too much of myself away to clients again but I do not know what else to do when I need to earn money. I have new-old clients and new clients and a mass of appointments. This has got to have been the shittiest summer ever. Nothing but shit. Ongoing piles of it. I can only hope that things will improve once I get through all these lawsuits and hurricane season. Why is no one around for me to cry to?  I've been the strong shoulder for countless people today and now I have to be for myself as well.

I shall end with a few quotes that express my own thoughts very well.

"It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we're alive - to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are."

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

"We do not need more intellectual power, we need more spiritual power. We do not need more of the things that are seen, we need more of the things that are unseen."

Calvin Coolidge

Hmmm...just a ramble

My playlist is driving me crazy...all of the songs are acting like Youtube videos - not playing and stopping. How am I supposed to enjoy my songs with this BS.

I've been thinking about going to the Aerosmith concert but not sure...it sucks that I am only just now checking out the concert series as the one I would have liked to go to most is tomorrow! Can't do that. Doh. Other than Aerosmith I think the only other one I'd care for is Sugarland. Sometimes the country concerts are the best, lol. Not so crazy and wild an audience. And what is really crazy is that none of the Broadway plays I want to see are in my area this season :(  No Cirque du Soleil either. Sigh...

BUT the Moscow Ballet is coming to St Pete on December 28th to perform the Nutcracker...the tickets are almost gone already though and they are very expensive.

I'm just rambling, LOL

I have been daydreaming about my SP and so tried to distract myself because I long to see him so badly.

Saturn retrograde

I had a lovely comment today from a site visitor:

Dear Dena,thank you so much for your articles. I am absolutely amazed after reading about natives with saturn in retrogade in their natal birth chart. Yes, I am one of these people and when I was reading the article I totaly recognise my own life story.I never managed to have a good relationship with my dad and yes, I was locked in a difficult marriage and I met my soulmate while I was married and he stood by me for 2 and half years waiting for me to realise that the life I had at that time was nothing but built on other people expectations and cultural adequacy. My soulmate, my husband makes me feel like a person who actually is worth something and I never knew I could achieve a lot in my life. I guess I was very lucky to get the gift of my soulmate who had turn my life completely around.Thank you so much for your fantastic and accurate work. Many regards Zdena

Her words give me hope that my life can turn around too but who knows...I have a very difficult Saturn and even though I am aware and I work through things, I just don't know...but I'm glad she made it through the wildnerness and shared her words with me and my site visitors. We all need as much inspiration as we can get.

I wanna live a little bit before I die

I really need to have some fun and play in my life...everything has been too heavy and everything is in a state of transition. I'm sick of being responsible and I'm bored to tears with all this waiting and waiting and waiting. I want action...laughter...fun...  I just want to chat and joke and hell, make animal noises, run barefoot, play in the rain...

I'm in a weird mood. I feel torn between the old and the new (Saturn and Uranus opposition!! On my Mars/Venus midpoint and I am down right impatient.  I see the old fading out and I am releasing people, places, and things but I don't really see any forward movement on a new frontier.  Plus I'm moody because I am trying to get my blood sugar under control and it always makes me a little grumpy.

I want to Fly Away...

Oh I swear this town gets smaller everyday,
and I'm waitin for my chance.
I'm gonna break away.
I'm so sick and tired of being told what's good for me.
People got lots of ideas, of who I'm supposed to be

Angel carry me, oh so far away.
May my body never... touch the ground.
And If I promise you that I'll be back someday,
will you set me free so I can fly away?

Fly away... fly away...

Well most folks here well they don't dig too deep.
They can't dream too big... ummmmhmmm...
cause they've got fields to keep
I could walk away and leave behind my family.
Or get buried alive in this legacy.

Angel carry me, oh so far away.
May my body never... touch the ground.
And If I promise you that I'll be back someday,
will you set me free so I can fly away?

Fly away... fly away...

I wanna sleep under a different piece of sky
I wanna live a little bit before I die
I wanna be so close to heaven I see angels...