I'm floating in a dream

I am floating today in a foamy oceanic world of bliss. I am hopelessly enthralled and in love in such a deep and magnificent way that I am nearly rendered speechless. Any doubt or lingering fear has faded since my karmic upheaval in Seattle and the resultant healing period I struggled through. I've never been more certain of anything in my life. He continues to amaze me and each new awareness of him burrows deep inside, invoking an intriguing mix of passion and camaraderie that can't be put into words.  He astounds and pleases me with his brilliant and (truly) out-of-this-world insights. I feel his energy emerging from deeper and deeper within him, energy I felt from the first contact we had, energy that was blocked or restrained but beginning to flow so wonderfully, so powerfully, now. The more of himself he shares the deeper I fall...and I am reveling in it like Dionysus in his ecstasy. 

I desire him.  I want to be with him. There is just so much between us on so many levels that no one would ever understand except us, but that suits me perfectly fine. No one needs to understand except us...to heal and grow toward Higher Consciousness through our connection as we awaken and unfold. I am his. I am so aware of being his, so aware of my surrender to the currents that drive me ever closer to him...it is a deep feeling of bliss. I realize at the moment my emotions are not very contained so I am allowing them to flow out here, to wash through me, to be released freely. I have already written a poem called A Thousand Petaled Lotus but it wasn't enough, lol. I checked my transits and see that Neptune is EXACT, to the minute, back on my Venus.

I wasn't surprised to learn from his Michael Reading that he is a Priest - Artisan. We are so attuned and connected and I am an Artisan - Priest. This means that when we were 'sparked' we both came into being with the same permanent essence...only reversed. But from several discussions I had with Shepherd about my own chart where I was arguing that I was a Priest - Artisan (and this was before I met SP) he said that both are part of my permanent essence throughout every lifetime and so while I may feel more a Priest as my 'role' in life, neither can really be separated so I am both. In some lives I will seem to be more Priest and in other lives I will feel more Artisan. Well, in this life I feel both! lol What does that mean, or shouldn't I ask??

He is healing me...I hope that I am healing him as well. I want nothing more than to see him glowing and happy, strong within his own being, radiating all of his brilliant light and healing energy out into the world. Nowadays when lower sorts try to poison me with their whispers of fear I laugh them off because I realize they are coming from a completely different mindset. They cannot comprehend what it means to love someone unconditionally. What it means to give love and support to someone freely because it makes you feel wonderful instead of giving it wanting something back in return. To give to someone because you really - really - truly and deeply love them on a soul level. They do not know. Saturn and Neptune get such a bad reputation and for what? Because people are frightened to become. As Marianne Williamson says:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

With Saturn and Neptune together, we get enlightenment. I will go into this very in-depth in my book :)  Anyhow, when other people - especially other astrologers - try to tell me that I am caught in a Neptune illusion and I should be more realistic, I literally laugh it off. Their version of realism is fear and doubt. I am not fearful. I am not scared. I am very certain on a level of certainty that reaches far beyond this temporary life. Others cannot understand that I come to him freely, without expectation. Others cannot understand that I am now at a point in my own growth that I am nearing liberation. I still have security fears regarding actual survival (mainly supporting my children, not myself) but I have no fear of being on my own otherwise. This is one of the gifts SP has bestowed upon me...a complete change in perspective regarding the situation I am still working through here. My love for him made me so very aware of the hollow life I had been living. Now I come to him from a place of internal strength and pure love rather than need or expectation. I am flowing along in my bliss, ready and willing to shift current when necessary.

Fragment of Zeus, Venus, &.... Poseidon?

Ahh, yes...I did attempt to work on this poem today and as it isn't going quickly, I guess I will post it here and watch it come into being and take/change form.

A flash penetrates dark clouds,
Ram-horned Jupiter shaking down bolts,
The leaves dancing haphazardly for the Selloi
Beneath the pink June sky.

I breathe in the air - moist, hot steam -
Palms to the sky, heart pounding, skipping beats
With my feet, hips circling as I watch the waves
Pounding upon one another - Venus rising up,

Her girdle loosened, gleaming with charms
Gathered from the foam - tiny tridents, glittering shells,

Then I got distracted thinking about Epoch charts and so curious about erecting one but not really discovering the secret key to doing so in Kepler or Solar Fire. I found a new program called 'Astrofire' but I can't spend that sort of money right now...besides, I have to purchase the Human Design Program first. That will be 500 Euros and I don't know when I will have enough funds for that either.
 
I'm a little calmer today and have been working hard for much of the day. I've got a full schedule again this week but much of it is just my regular work other than a ritual for a client...soon I will be able to start working on getting ahead again so I can take a few months off this autumn and put 100% into my book, which many are anxiously waiting for.  I have my deadline and will have to really give it my all and push myself to manifest this feat. I know I can do it but I am going to have to be strict and reduce my stress levels here. Yoga will help as will the gym. My goal it to have the book written and totally edited before I go away for Christmas...then when I get home, I have a two week window to finish it entirely and then, if all goes well, as soon as it is done and on the market I will have a break at the conference in Hawaii and relax :D  Ok, the one track mind is returning so I will scoot, lol. Thinking of that gorgeous face and intriguing eyes and those delicious kisses...

It will have blood, they say; blood will have blood...

And blood shall have blood...

I love Shakespeare, ah, yes...I also have written many poems with blood themes. Gruesome? Macabre? I've always loved the death imagery of the Middle Ages.  I used to be an avid horror reader in my teens and early twenties but as I grew older I simply grew bored with it. Blood and death should be used with meaning, not just to sell stories in a slash and kill way. I am currently (sort of) reading a book called  Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin, which is a decent macabre fiction book. She held my interest on two connecting flights to Seattle but on the way back I ended up choosing to read the latest The Mountain Astrologer Magazine (Collective Crisis & your chart 2010 2014, February March 2010 Issue 149) - well that's not the issue I read but that's what Amazon is giving me, lol. I have intended to finish reading the Mistress book ever since I've been home but haven't. It's hard to hold my interest with fiction, movies, or television any more. I've been like this for a number of years now. The only time I read fiction is when traveling these days and half the time not even then. Learning/knowing the craft of writing and screenwriting/film-making takes away a lot of pleasure for me as I can see how they could have made things better or I get hung up on the little things, like in a recent vampire movie (in the past 4 - 5 years) they kept having full moons like once a week and it just bothered me so much that I went to sleep instead, lol.

I wasn't pleased with the changes I made to the blog yesterday so today - ta da - I have changed it entirely and feel happier with it.

So blood...ah...I found this paragraph on another blog earlier today: "In ancient Sumer, the key females of the royal succession were all venerated as lilies, having such names as Lili, Luluwa, Lilith, Lilutu and Lillette. Having wings and knowing the true name of God reminds me of the source of "veil" symbolism and wings on goddesses going back to the hymen of a virgin. From my post, Bee Seeing You Through the Veil: "Neith/Isis was known as the Veiled Goddess, and thus the reference on her temple inscription to 'lifting the veil' is intriguing, for Bees are often called hymenoptera, stemming from the word hymen, meaning "veil winged," representing that which concealed the holy parts of a temple, as well as the veil or hymen."

Imagine how that really made the wheels spin in my mind! I have ties to both Sumer and Egypt and I am simply fascinated how this ties into veils, hymens, and lilies. I am quite sure I have been a Sacred Prostitute as well as a Courtesan in previous incarnations. I have been called a 'Goddess' in the current life by innumerable people and I have had men tell me in the past that they've never wanted a child in their entire life until they met me, that I have something feral and fertile and earthy (lol) about me, that they want to....(insert blush)...in nicer words, impregnate me. And these are men I have never been intimate, emotionally or physically, with, but strange men online or men I have talked to very briefly (because I flee very quickly when I become sexual prey like that). It makes me wonder if these are Souls I've known before in another capacity and when they see me or talk to me, they are stirred up. Virgin used to mean an independent, unmarried state, not necessarily an intact hymen...in that sense, I am still very much a virgin.

Sexuality, to me, is sacred. I cannot understand women who sleep around randomly, flop around bars, have one-nighters, and all of that.  For me, I need a deep soul connection...a sacred bond and trust. An emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical connection. When the few I talk to about my life question me as to how I can tolerate a long-distance relationship, I tell them it isn't about logic, it is about love. When someone comes into your life who you can connect with on every level, what does distance have to do with it?  I can't even imagine wanting or letting another man touch me. The only explanation I have for people who worry about 'distance' or other complexities is that they have never felt as deeply as I do for him.

Back to the paragraph I took from someone else's blog. My mind started spinning and I began to think astrologically (what else is new?) that I would like to do some research and maybe an astro-blog article on Black Moon Lilith and the asteroid Isis. I am not focused enough today to do it but I think it is a great idea, tying them together and seeing how they interact and their sexual effects in the natal and perhaps synastry. I think maybe that would be a longer-term project but I could do something shorter first. I just have so much brewing deep in my mind all the time I fear I will never get 20% of it out into the world. I need to focus on Saturn-Neptune and actually schedule in set hours a week for it. I meant to go to the library this morning to work on it as I am back in the note-taking phase (I have gotten the major points and new breaking insights down already but now need to do the 'back-story' and create something readable for others to understand) but I was way too tired and slept in.

The role of the Sacred Prostitute/Priestess was amazingly important, as shown in this brief paragraph, from this site:

"The sacred marriage between priestess and king was the most solemn and numinous of all Mesopotamian religious rituals. Through this act, the fecundity and sheer life-force of the goddess was honored, released, and drawn down to vivify the land and its people. Her blessing was conferred on the earth itself and on the position of the ruling king. Without his wedding to the goddess, in the living form of her priestess, the king was not considered fit or able to rule the people. His temporal potency was inextricably linked with his physical prowess and attuned to his own instinctual sexual energies."

Inanna to her lover:

He has sprouted; he has burgeoned;
He is lettuce planted by the water.
He is the one my womb loves best.
My well-stocked garden of the plain,
My barley growing high in its furrow,
My apple tree which bears fruit up to its crown,
He is lettuce planted by the water.
My honey-man, my honey-man sweetens me always.
My lord, the honey-man of the gods,
He is the one my womb loves best.
His hand is honey, his foot is honey,
He sweetens me always.
My eager impetuous caresser of the navel,
My caresser of the soft thighs,
He is the one my womb loves best
He is lettuce planted by the water.

One of many poems I've written for my lover:

Carving Phoenix-Shadows

I am loved -
My lips fragrant with the dew of you,
Taking you in, a force uncontrolled as it moves
Between us, the bestial presence of unity,
Shadows and visions weaving soul-threads
Of heart-strings and conscious matter
Until we are gasping for one another, for release,
For pleasure, for penetration,
For surrender…

And you take me over, absorbing my essence,
Sinking into me, into your domain,
Your pasture spread out before you,
A rich landscape, a tapestry, your treasure
Laid out, urging your exploration.

In this time and space, in this sheltered cavern,
I want nothing more than to be your treasure,
Your landscape to travel upon,
Your tapestry to weave again and again
As we move together
Building bridges until we permeate the flow with our energy,
Transmuting physical boundaries, carving phoenix-shadows
With flames and tidal shores -
I am yours.

Dena L Moore
December 12, 2009

Owl Medicine Summoning

I call to thee, O Great Night Eagle

Strong of wing, quick of flight,

Come to me quickly, under moonlight.

I summon thee to pierce the veil,

Sing to me clearly, the smallest detail,

Fly beyond and up into the Spirit world now

Retrieve every tiny piece my Soul will allow.

This is your mission, so dark, so profound

Back into the past, scattered around;

Fly quickly into that rotting black cell,

Then onto the tree where all ashes fell,

I send thee now, O Great Holy One,

Strong of wing, quick of flight,

Off away under the cloak of night,

When you return, come straight away,

I will be fuller, more whole by the light of day.

This is your mission; this is your song,

Sing to me clearly all night long.

In a galaxy far, far away...

there lived a beautiful maiden who was fast asleep...I wish I was she! Not that I am not beautiful, because obviously I am, but because I am not asleep, LOL.  And so what if anyone reads this and thinks I'm arrogant. So what. I am exactly as I should be, a wonderful creation of the Universe. I used to think I was arrogant -  but no, in order to be arrogant the words spoken or the thoughts created are not true. All I say and all I believe about myself are justifiably the truth and I accept my bad bits along with my good bits and that equals self-acceptance, self-love, and maturity. Sometimes I even like my bad bits more than my good bits and so does that make me 'evil'?? Who cares.

I am going to sleep soon but I am trying to force my body to adjust to Seattle time. Plus that big old bed is lonely. I woke up this morning and only my small portion was disturbed...I hadn't even rolled around. Made it easy for the maid, I suppose.

Oh geez oh pete...it was NOT a good idea to have all of these astrologers in one place. Holy cripes, I am hearing their damn thoughts to the point they are intruding in my mind. First a woman and now a man. I will have to try to create a better 'shield' tonight. I don't want to hear this crap when I'm trying to sleep. One going on about needing to accomplish this and that, the other going on about Leos and.... These are not conversations with someone but their actual internal thoughts. Yes, I can read minds but I generally create 'blocks' so I don't have to hear this banal garbage...but these ones are super strong or I am just super tired and defenseless.

And it is the Full Moon and I wanted to write SP a poem but am too worn out to weave my magic into form. I love him more than the Moon can love the Sun, more than Venus loves her Mars. I am amazed at how far the heart can expand. I have loved before but what I felt as love was like the wind on the cheek compared to this deep and blessed feeling of belonging. I feel his in every way and I am not threatened by that...I enjoy it. I want to be his even though the situation is more complex. It is so complex that it is simple. I love him. It's not a poem but it's my heartfelt - soulfelt - reality.  Now I will try to be that beautiful maiden in another galaxy...who knows, maybe I am.

Well...I did it...and the wheel turns

NORWAC here I come...I'm really starting to look forward to this trip after a few months of feeling sort of indifferent. I have a lovely yod going on while there and I have a feeling something is going to happen, even if it is subtle and lingering rather than a smack upside the head. I am hoping it will inspire me to get back to work on my book.

I've been daydreaming too much the past few days but maybe I need to. I've explored plane tickets and frequent flyer miles galore, played around with marketing on Amazon, added a poem to AD, and just generally messed around other than dishes, laundry, and a healing I did at 7 am. So I'm tired and my mind is up in la la land...c'est la vie!

I had to remove my Tagged profile today because although I haven't been there in like 7 months, a bunch of men were leaving very forward (even disgusting) things on my profile. I don't even know these people!! So I told Dae, sorry but it's coming down. I know she likes me to give her hearts and stuff on there but I really don't need her seeing a bunch of strange men saying things like that to me. Hell, I don't even want to see it. They need to keep their fantasies to themselves...like I'd even let them lick the dirt off my shoes.

I am in the process of releasing a few old friends who I just no longer resonate with. You'd think it would be easy but it isn't for me. I just feel I need to move forward and these people have very little in common with me. I need to be with people who are positive and spiritual, not materialistic and self-centered.  I need dynamic interchange not boring bullshit. One must sh*t or get off the damn pot. Listening to people sitting around moaning and complaining while doing nothing to change their life bores the living hell out of me and I'm going to have to let those types go. I can't spend my entire life counseling these people for free...sadly it's taken me many years to figure out that's exactly what I've been doing! Nothing but blood-sucking drains and I need my energy to do what I need to do.

I spent many hours yesterday redesigning the poetry site...I still have to do all the inner pages but they can wait for the moment. I thought it'd take me an hour or so...nope, 5+!!! I'm delusional or illusional or just crazy...but I think it looks good and will help support the books. I will have to start a new promotion site once I get the new book done. I expect this book will sell, lol.

I thought the Wheel card from the Tarot is a wonderful archetypal energy to focus on today as we approach the Jupiter-Saturn opposition. The Wheel is in the process of turning and I'm so excited...so many are fearful and worrying about the 'end of the world' and what will happen but if they would all just start waking up a bit quicker on their own our Mother Earth won't have to keep forcing them to through catastrophes.  I hear from those who are aware talking about running off and hiding out and I admit, I have thought that way a number of times myself. But if we do that, what will happen? Isn't it OUR responsibility to lead and guide the blind forward into our new way of being? Aren't we the 'gatekeepers' and lightworkers? Or 'Keeper of the Keys' as I am. Aren't we the ones who have the ability to help the others progress? This realization has empowered me...I have always been at my very best during crises and if I try to escape and avoid my responsibilites, shame on me. Shame on all of us who can help and are being fearful and thinking about just our own private lives. Perhaps this is why I am studying so intensely this year. Maybe the Mtn Astrologer doesn't want my Pallas article because it could start a controversy? Or maybe the editors didn't understand it and I didn't elaborate enough (which I did wonder about). Maybe they are scared of becoming androgynous...who knows. LOL But I am very androgynous and yet still very much a woman. I am androgynous in my nature, not my physical expression. It's nothing to be scared of but I can see how it could create fear for those resonating on a lower level.  When we are out of body we have no sexual orientation at all. I used to prefer being out of body but after 36+ years here I finally have accepted that I am in a 'temple' and I need to treat it as sacred instead of a trap. It's been a struggle and it continues on...Neptune in the 2nd house is the culprit, perhaps, in square to my nodal axis. (But I am still here - do you hear me?? Still here, still in body. I know why now but damn, shouldn't you be more gentle with such a young child???? We will have a discussion about this at some point in the future and the entire 'board' will be there, by God/dess)

I know that people who stumble upon these sorts of my rambles will think I'm crazy with some of the things I say but I don't give a rat's ass. I'm probably one of the least crazy of us here...or maybe I should say awake. That's nicer and more Libra-like.

That makes me remember that yet another astrologer thought I was a Libra. I wonder if there will ever be an astrologer who can guess my Sun sign. It's always Libra or Scorpio. Nope, nope, nope.

So I digress.  It's sad that I have to talk to myself but yet, there's nothing wrong with it. Beats trying to talk to a bunch of boring crybabies.

Let's hear it for a poem:

The Wheel

Through winter-time we call on spring,
And through the spring on summer call,
And when abounding hedges ring
Declare that winter's best of all;
And after that there's nothing good
Because the spring-time has not come --
Nor know that what disturbs our blood
Is but its longing for the tomb.

William Butler Yeats

The path of its departure still is free

Ahh, Shelley...is it always turbulence for us romantics? I suppose we create our own realities through our thought forms and dreams but sometimes no matter how positive and certain we are, we are smacked in the face and left to drown.

So we share Saturn-Neptune and a reversed nodal axis (by sign), as well as our controversial mind-sets and depth of emotion that arises through painful experience. 

I have a lot I want to say but am unable to get it out. At least I am used to rejection and denial so although death by sea sounds almost fantastic at the moment, I carry on. Neptune's presence is felt.

Mutability

We are the clouds that veil the midnight moon;
How restlessly they speed, and gleam, and quiver,
Streaking the darkness radiantly!--yet soon
Night closes round, and they are lost forever:

Or like forgotten lyres, whose dissonant strings
Give various response to each varying blast,
To whose frail frame no second motion brings
One mood or modulation like the last.

We rest.--A dream has power to poison sleep;
We rise.--One wandering thought pollutes the day;
We feel, conceive or reason, laugh or weep;
Embrace fond foe, or cast our cares away.

It is the same!--For, be it joy or sorrow,
The path of its departure still is free:
Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow;
Nought may endure but Mutability.

Percy Bysshe Shelley

I bow to your mastery, your vision, and grace.

K'un - Ta Yuo...to be blessed, to be a blessing

I am a radiant being and as such, I am a bountiful and blessed channel as I recognize, however humbly, that I am to serve and to serve joyfully...perhaps in a different way than I am currently, but all will reveal itself as life unfolds. I have talked about my ego several times over the past few months and am afraid that the very word 'ego' has a negative connotation and has been misunderstood by others at times in the past. Without an ego we are rudderless in navigating our own lives. As Maurice Fernandez says in his book "Neptune": Love originates through EGO. Only through ego can one identify emotionally with anything. He also states: "Ego is the vessel of personal consciousness through which evolution proceeds."

Thus, without an ego, we cannot understand what it is to love; nor can we actively participate in our own lives or in the process of evolution of our species. To have an ego is not negative. To have an ego is to be able to love, to understand love, and to give love generously to others. I have a defined heart center; I have an ego. I can give and give and give love. This ability is not always appreciated, respected, or understood.  Perhaps I have not always understood or respected it enough myself, as I have had to mature and grow just like the rest of us (well, for those of us who do! Sadly, it isn't a very high percentage). Now, however, as I go deeper into studying the I-Ching and the Tao Te Ching as I learn the Human Design, I find myself making progress at a rapid pace. This is also, due in part, to the blessings freely given to me by my spiritual friends, particularly Dean who has been like an Angel to me recently during an extremely difficult passage and Paulo who inspires me every weekend with poetry, photography, music, and words of the Masters right when I need to feel the comfort of the Universe wrapped about me so I do not fall into negativity. Without their kindness, connection, and giving, I would be (or would have been, in the past) unable to shoulder the burden of weekly separation from my SP, a separation I have yet to fathom. I have decided to no longer focus or think deeply on it. It is what it is.

I am feeling calmer than ever, with Chiron opposing my Mars and Neptune trine my Venus and square to him/her self. Calm despite the winds blowing around me. Calm despite the unsettled sea. Calm in the face of adversity and the deep echoes. I am loved and I am loving. I am learning and I am growing. I am happy thus. Throughout life I have been pulled and pushed, overwhelmed, pressured, clung too, worn down and worn out, overpowered, and walked upon...now I wish to lead a natural and peaceful life without all of the ups and downs, dramas and traumas, and emotional tragedy and pain. I want to release any anger and pain that still resides within. I want to feel at one in my peaceful state; to maintain the love that flows through me and share it with those who appreciate the deeper ways of being despite any hardship or sorrow. I am like a mountain being transformed and reshaped as the river rushes up against me.

I am tired now but I am feeling at peace.

Perched upon a jutting stone...

Ahhh...here I am. Although I have been writing and writing and writing I haven't written much poetry or had too much of an urge to honor this blog with a ramble. Actually I have written a few poems over the past week or so but am thus far keeping them to myself :)  I do that sometimes!

The title of this blog, "Perched upon a jutting stone" is an ancient iambic fragment belonging to Archilochus, who lived from 687 - 652 BC. I have been deep in study mode and my studies range from very in-depth, psychological astrology stuff to ancient poetry to the Human design. It's amazing how much I've been able to accomplish, but now I am feeling a bit drained and need to relax more. Allow all I've been learning to integrate and sink in deeper. I chose the title for this blog because that is how I am feeling today, like I am perched upon a jutting stone, daydreaming, perhaps looking out over the sea...allowing myself to move with the waves as they wash around me. I also like the sexual connotation of a 'jutting' stone, and how it can be read in various ways. I like his work, most of which comes to us now in fragments.  Here are a few that intrigue me:

"Such desire for love, coiled at my heart,
shed a thick mist over my eyes,
stealing the tender senses from my breast."

and another:

"Wracked with desire I lie,
lifeless, pierced through the bone
by the crushing pains of the gods."

I will take that into myself...oh, how I know that feeling so well. Pierced and unsettled, crushed and yet alive. Needing more but forced to accept what is available in the present.

Quiet and Contemplative

It's been a relatively quiet weekend and I've been deep in thought for much of it. I haven't accomplished much work that I intended but my Soul needs some down time and pleasure. So I've been reading and thinking on spiritual topics and reading about sexuality...I suppose my mind is a bit lost in all that I am dreaming of but if I dream it, I can manifest it - if the time is right.

So I had an epiphany last night regarding my Saturn-Neptune book and why I am now finally ready to write it...when the idea originally sprang forth (years ago!) I had much less experience - personally and professionally - and much of the experience I had at that point was negative (at least with synastry, both with myself and my clients) and I needed to have this recent insight that would deepen the book exponentially. It is so simple and so obvious now but yet I never thought of it in such a way before. I can see how patience can pay off in the long run...if I had pushed myself in the past I would have produced an inferior project to the one I will be able to present now. I have such a great feeling about it and feel quite confident.

I was reading a bit about Eros and then daydreamed for a while about the tour D George is giving in Egypt in October. I would so love to go on that trip. I can only hope it will be offered again in the future. The one to South America and to Greece also pulls me strongly. I am so restless with Uranus opposing my Mercury/Pluto and my sexual energy is so fierce with Pluto sextile my Moon...Venus is opposing my Sun today and T Sun is on my NN and here I am, alone. No company. No love forthcoming. No conversations. No gifts or attention. But this is ok, I have my books and my dreams. I have a 'voice' and this is a recurring thought over the past 24 hours. Voice. Silence. Voice. I am a Lover and have the voice to give and share Love. I am a very sexual creature but am able to channel this energy into creative works...most of the time. It is interesting how potent Saturn in the 12th is for me. It would be easy for me to say I am lonely but in a sense I am not. I am calm and centered in the moment. I accept that I have to let things unfold and participate more as an observer now. So my focus turns to my projects and professional aspirations.

I think of my deep sensuality, my love of eros within all things, and the realization I have had concerning what sets me apart from others and contributes to that reoccurring sense of being 'apart' from people while quite deep in the Universal flow. My Saturn-Neptune as a spiritual bridge. My rich Venus in Libra and her love of the intellect, posh settings, and ancient history...the sensuality within architecture and the gardens of the Earth. The aspects of life and living that I value are no longer valued by society (for the most part). The glass and steel buildings replacing the stone and brick...the lack of beauty and refinement. The sense of quality over quantity. The importance of ritual and rhythm. The deep connection and responsibility to nuture and express our own sensuality. Everyday life in such environment and the mind-set of the nation (and beyond) to rape and take advantage to make a profit is depressing. My poetry that so few care to understand or are not educated enough to do so. The sensuality underlying most things I do...it attracts others because it is so unusual...yet this is how life should be. All of us should enjoy and express sensuality - eros - as so integrated into our life, environment, and being that I would not be 'apart'. So I lead by example, I suppose, and this is part of my ability to help others awaken.

Seattle is calling to me again.  I am not sure what I will find there but there is something nudging me to get there. I will return to this thought at some later point, perhaps after I discover what the something is. LOL

I'm in a great mood...

Wow, not sure why but I am feeling wonderful today...it could be the quiet and privacy!  Everyone is gone but me...what a miracle!  So I am just expressing my joy for half a moment before I get to work on my karmic reading.  I feel just great!  I hope my SP wakes up happy too :D

I am in a dark - oh, so very dark - mood...

I am in a dark - oh, so very dark - mood. I want to be ridden...driven...impaled...taken over the edge and ripped apart. A nice cemetery would do...or a misty forest...maybe a dungeon. I just want some release...to be released...to be swallowed whole and transformed. It's like being driven beyond despair and in need of physical expression to be back inside myself and fully alive. Nothing I say here now could possibly explain this...my mind is full of images and words as well as feelings and a potent, trembling brew of pure fury. As I cannot describe this further, I will indulge myself graphically.

To be or not to be, that is the question...

LOL...wow. So I was reading some poetry and came across Slyvia Plath's "Blackberrying" which just blew me away after my last blog about how difficult it is to be truly original. I say this now because I never knew this poem existed yet I, too, wrote one about blackberries...which is different but still blew me away. I've decided that I love her. Unfortunately so few truly did in her lifetime.

Blackberrying

Nobody in the lane, and nothing, nothing but blackberries,
Blackberries on either side, though on the right mainly,
A blackberry alley, going down in hooks, and a sea
Somewhere at the end of it, heaving. Blackberries
Big as the ball of my thumb, and dumb as eyes
Ebon in the hedges, fat
With blue-red juices. These they squander on my fingers.
I had not asked for such a blood sisterhood; they must love me.
They accommodate themselves to my milkbottle, flattening their sides.

Overhead go the choughs in black, cacophonous flocks ---
Bits of burnt paper wheeling in a blown sky.
Theirs is the only voice, protesting, protesting.
I do not think the sea will appear at all.
The high, green meadows are glowing, as if lit from within.
I come to one bush of berries so ripe it is a bush of flies,
Hanging their bluegreen bellies and their wing panes in a Chinese screen.
The honey-feast of the berries has stunned them; they believe in heaven.
One more hook, and the berries and bushes end.
The only thing to come now is the sea.

From between two hills a sudden wind funnels at me,
Slapping its phantom laundry in my face.
These hills are too green and sweet to have tasted salt.
I follow the sheep path between them. A last hook brings me
To the hills' northern face, and the face is orange rock
That looks out on nothing, nothing but a great space
Of white and pewter lights, and a din like silversmiths
Beating and beating at an intractable metal.

Slyvia Plath
 
And my poem, from my collection Immortality Lives....
 
Only For Berries

Berries on the bush,
Purple bundles sweet,
Clusters in the sun.
I feel so close to you now;
At home with you
In the dense overgrowth.

We speak kindly before
Our audience--fat little sparrows
Anxious to be alone.
What actors we are!
No one suspects we
Are here only for berries.

I will bake your blackberry cobbler,
Watch you pick the hard, little seeds
From your teeth one more time
As you smile up at me
So handsomely, like a small boy.

Coming here--
        For the berries--
Brings the past into the present.

Sharp memories;
Making love on the path.
You tracing my skin
With purple lips, lifting
My hips with scratched hands.

You’re watching me now,
Closer than the sparrows,
With hunger in your eyes
And darkened lips from the past.
“Come here.”

I hear your whisper;
It cuts like the thorns.
Coming here,
        For the berries,
Was a bad idea.

Yet, I allow your lips to
stain mine, knowing that this
was your way, so sweet and painful,
         Of saying goodbye.
We are here only for berries.

Dena L Moore
September 3, 2001
 
I have always had a feeling that I will be loved much more once I am gone than I am in life.

Adoration...

The love that you withhold is the pain that you carry.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The more we give love, the greater our capacity to do so.

David R Hawkins

 
I am in a strong Neptunian phase today...oh, how I am drifting in and out of different levels of awareness. I am not focused but I am dreamy...and my heart is overflowing with tenderness and appreciation for my life as I am living it, the here and now and the future. For all that has gone before and all that will come ahead. Underlying everything is an intense connection to Spirit and a deep adoration for my beloved. My heart is full and continues to expand with love for him in a way no one would believe even if I shared it...if one has not felt this intense connection to all that is through a loved one, well, they simply could not understand.  It is not that I 'worship' him but rather I honor his inner god, his Soul, and his very essence. The spark of him. What I see within him, some of which I do not even know if he sees himself. His beauty and illumination. A magnificent spark incased in glorious flesh.
 
Despite all that is difficult in our lives I am happy...happier than I have ever been. Joyful in my love and in the expansiveness within my own being. A deep awareness of the unity of Spirit and Flesh. A joy so deep that it reaches so far within myself that it moves beyond my own being and spreads out to touch the lives of others. This is what my love has brought into my world, into my life, and while life may be challenging, it is always perfect.

A man of mythic proportion...lol

Oh, I know I should be working on this calendar but my mind and heart are both so far, far away and I can't wait until I am physically far away too! I have been daydreaming of my SP and just feeling a surge of energy that is difficult to ignore or contain. I really want to write a poem to put my feelings into some sort of form but I will have to force-focus in a moment as I have had complaints that the January calendar is not done. Still, I need to release some of this and so here I am for a brief moment. Somehow when I think of him or connect with him, I can feel the very pulse of so much more than any one human should be able to feel. I do not know how to put it into any clearer words...what we share goes beyond words or a typical relationship. We are communicating on so many levels all the time...lately I have wondered if we, and others like us, will be the forerunners for future relationship development on a evolutionary scale. I have felt a shift taking place in the general population for the past few years, how they approach love and relationship, how what was once taboo is now the norm, how people want more from relationships and are less willing to settle and accept the picket fence dream and outdated beliefs that no longer fit the 'race' we are becoming.

I have never felt for anyone else as I feel for SP...even when the old fears start to creep up, I am able to slay them quite quickly. I am able to recognize them for what they are and not project them outward. His energy is just so exciting and yet comfortable all at once. I wish I could be with him in this very moment, whispering something sweet and sexy, drawing him to me...feeling the energy run between us...he is truly a man of mythic proportion. A dragon...a phoenix...a fighting catfish...a warrior-king...oh, so much and rolled into such a gorgeous humanly form to tempt and tease me and drive me wild with desire. I desire him...not just sexually, but intellectually, emotionally...in all ways.  I can only be patient and take it a day at a time...but I am counting the days.

I am filled with wonder

today.  I have had such a terrible and stressful week and have had to let go of someone who has been important to me, but today I am in such a calm and open mood.  I only have a moment to write but have to express this wonder!  I was looking over old photos, searching for one in particular I took for SP over a year ago that he never had a chance to see, when I saw one of his pictures - of course I HAD to look at him, as I always love to do! lol  But today I just looked and found tears rolling down my face. They came from nowhere. I was confused for a second but then realized they were tears of JOY!  This is why I am filled with wonder. I am amazed and happy. He is so gorgeous and intriguing and brilliant and fascinating and...oh!  Sometimes I make myself blush when thinking of him. I really do.

Love, Death, free-floating anxiety, and loneliness

Oh, lord...lol...Did you know there is a dating site for spiritual singles? No? I didn't either until I received some SPAM from them a few minutes ago.

It's sad really that I have a house full of people playing a board game and I would rather write to myself. What is wrong with me anymore? Is this simply Saturn in the 12th? I think maybe I am just overwhelmed with it all and the uncertainty of the future is wearing on me some today. I talk to people I've talked to for years and just really have so little interest in interacting...yet I am lonely. I am sad. I just had my Venus Return and Venus is now on my Jupiter. The Sun is sextile my Sun. I don't see anything much astrologically for my current mood but maybe I'm not looking deep enough. The nodal axis is on my MC/IC. I really don't know.

I suppose it could be just that I am super-sensitive to both Saturn and Pluto energy and they are now in square formation.  I feel something brewing...anxiety, tension, something is going to happen. Tomorrow is a master number day (33) and this could be part of it too. Right before 9/11 I was having terrible anxiety for a few weeks along with nightmares. This feeling is similar to that time but so much is happening personally it is difficult to know how to separate it all.  Maybe that is why I need to talk to myself. If I start talking about this stuff with most people I get that stupid blank stare that makes me question whether it is me or them!  Having Mercury retrograde in tight conjunction with Pluto (on the 12th cusp) sextile Neptune and trine Saturn in the 8th more or less guarantees that I have very few people I can truly communicate with. I can talk all I want but so few understand what I am saying...they hear the words but can't make the connections. And it goes both ways too...I can hear the words but not digest them sometimes. Or worse...that horrid feeling of boredom that descends when others are talking and I am not connecting because whatever they are talking about is so boring or superficial to me. Also I find that I am feeling somewhat blocked right now...unable to express myself really to others or no real desire to. I'm turned inward, I guess. Processing recent events. Worrying about what is to come and how to deal with it. Missing SP but happy he is having such wonderful experiences and not wanting to burden him with my dilemmas because I don't want to cause him any stress.  Yet I feel 'stuffed' up and unable to express things that need to be expressed because I can't write about other people's business here...so the only outlet I would have would be to tell him what has happened in private but unable to feel comfortable doing so because I care about him too much to dump a bunch of shit on him when he is having a good time!  I could talk to my german pal but don't really want to listen to that, which I have already heard from my other gemini friend. I need SP's compassionate and understanding response, not the crap other people respond with.

I am feeling too deeply with all the current Scorpio energy. Too deep with no real way to express all I am feeling...stuffing it down too much, feeling tense. I am also in a bad way with my spinal/neck/jaw thing today, which tends to make me emotional. I need some love and comfort. Need to be held and told it will be all right. Guess I am needy tonight and unable to cope. I hate feeling like this. I know it is my inner wounded little girl and do my best to provide for her, but there are times when self-nurturing isn't always enough.  Ah, well...it will pass soon enough, it always does, and I will be my bubbly self again before I know it.

And a poem from one of my favorite poets, who I just now tonight read she committed suicide. It seems so many poets lives have ended in tragedy...the influence of Neptune, I suppose.

Love And Death
Shall we, too, rise forgetful from our sleep,
And shall my soul that lies within your hand
Remember nothing, as the blowing sand
Forgets the palm where long blue shadows creep
When winds along the darkened desert sweep?

Or would it still remember, tho' it spanned
A thousand heavens, while the planets fanned
The vacant ether with their voices deep?
Soul of my soul, no word shall be forgot,
Nor yet alone, beloved, shall we see

The desolation of extinguished suns,
Nor fear the void wherethro' our planet runs,
For still together shall we go and not
Fare forth alone to front eternity.

Sara Teasdale

Weight of woes

The stress continues unabated...with the approaching Saturn-Pluto square I can only assume that it will continue throughout the week. I want to write and release some of this but I only have a few moments now...may return to this in a few hours if I have any privacy to really write. In the meantime, maybe crying will help! Oh, that's right, I have no privacy for that either.

Well, 7 hours later and I'm feeling a little better...an hour at the gym works wonders, truly. I pushed myself very hard this morning and now just returned from lunch with my sister and my friend.  I am seriously addicted to greek food, lol. This place in town is owned and ran by Greeks...they bring family over to work in the restaurant and sponsor other greeks. The benefit of this is authentic food. Can't get any better pita than what they serve...yummy.  Just what I don't need (carbs and gluten) but after the past 24 hours of non-stop drama, worry, stress, nightmares, being upset (on and on) I needed some comforting. Unfortunately the only comfort available at the moment is food.

My sisters are crazy...descending upon me like a swarm of locusts, asking to see pictures of my love, wanting to know everything (which of course I am very private and only tell what I feel like disclosing, lol) but when I light up at every thought of him and glow like an xmas tree when I speak of him, I can understand why they are so curious!  I can't help it.  So I showed them a few pictures and they were laughing at me because I get so....happy. And they 'approve' of him...how fun. Like I need anyone's approval!!!! I am sure they will soon get tired of me saying how amazing and gorgeous and wonderful he is...and how I've never felt like this or been so close to anyone. Which they can't understand because of the nature of our connection at the moment. Thinking of him has kept me going throughout everything I have had to deal with over the past month and gives me hope. My love and desire for him is stronger than ever...if someone would have asked me last year if I could love anyone more than I did him then, I would have laughed. What a shocker for me to feel it grow and grow and grow. It's truly amazing.  He is such a light in my life...my joy, my heart. I hope he is having a great time still. I love it when he is happy.

Joined At The Crossroad

I have a few lines and feelings bubbling away inside but I guess it isn't time for it to come out...when it is ready it will. So I will share a very Scorpionic poem I wrote last November instead :)

Joined At The Crossroad

Tendrils twine in the quiet,
Snake-like energy drawing us into the dance,
The ancient mystery - dark and erotic.

I saw you by the roadside, bare to the wind,
Lost within the dusk,
Searching…searching…raw and hungry,
Needing to feed, voracious - a starving fiend.

I stood before you, pulsating, alive,
Each vein throbbing with life, with desire,
The food of approaching night, the moon to guide us,
To guide us…not deny or usurp.

Oh, how you long to feed, to taste my flesh,
To swallow the moonlight dancing softly between us,
To shelter within the warmth of the passage
Where the wind cannot blow.

I wait in the silence, touched by the tendrils,
Drawn into the sacredness of the mystery,
Moving serpentine, kissing each snake as we entwine,
Joined at the crossroad, feeding…

Dena L Moore
November 22, 2008

No rest for the wicked...and Goblin Market (Sisters)

So much for accomplishing much today...I am so fed up with everyone else's life impacting mine to such a point that I can't even do my own work because I have to attend to their 'emergencies' and needs. I feel pushed into these situations and not really sure what I can do about it. One thing after another. Sick of it.

Anyhow, I am just blowing off some steam and hoping to get at least a few hours in yet but since there is a mountain of homework to help Gare with I doubt it is going to happen. And tomorrow morning is blown too...again, with someone else's crap. I am just falling further and further behind but I have to release some of this in order to focus.

Being in FL seriously ruins Samhain for me...it's difficult to get into the shifting energy in 90 degree weather. If there is anything I miss about being up north it is the autumn. The colored leaves and cool air, the apples at the orchard, the festivals that really feel like fall festivals. Not just more of the same. No seasons. Just...this. Heat, wind, rain. Humidity. Though I seriously dislike snow...only for a few days do I enjoy it. Sometimes the very crisp and cold nights with icicles hanging off the trees. I can enjoy the beauty of it. Plus you can be outside all year, even in the very cold. You can bundle up but you can't take your skin off. Sometimes I wish I could! And yes, sometimes I do think about how much fun we used to have sledding. Ice skating. Building snowmen. Throwing snowballs. LOL That's what happens when you grow up with all boys! I was the only girl for over 9 years, with 3 brothers. Anyhow, I never want to LIVE in the snowy areas again but it would be fun to get the hell out of this place for even a few days. I am SICK of being hot and paying for so much electric. Frickin' 90+ degrees for Halloween. Sucks.

Ok, I'm done being negative now...just have had an overwhelming day taking care of everyone else and their emotions and their problems while my work goes undone. I need some 'me' time...I haven't had any in so long.

But in a few months I will see my SP, which gives me so much to look forward to...so, so much. Wish I could see him now...lie with him, snuggle and cuddle and relax together in silence. I hope his day will be much nicer than mine has been.

And so I will share part of Christina Rossetti's "Goblin Market" - it is simply too long to put it here in it's entirety! And it is somewhat appropriate to my current situation with my sister, and the role I have to play. sigh...

My favorite lines from the poem are:

"She sucked and sucked and sucked the more
Fruits which that unknown orchard bore"

"Backwards up the mossy glen
Turned and trooped the goblin men,
With their shrill repeated cry,
“Come buy, come buy.”
When they reached where Laura was
They stood stock still upon the moss,
Leering at each other,
Brother with queer brother;
Signalling each other,
Brother with sly brother.
One set his basket down,
One reared his plate;
One began to weave a crown
Of tendrils, leaves and rough nuts brown
(Men sell not such in any town);
One heaved the golden weight
Of dish and fruit to offer her:
“Come buy, come buy,” was still their cry.

Laura stared but did not stir,
Longed but had no money:
The whisk-tailed merchant bade her taste
In tones as smooth as honey,
The cat-faced purr’d,
The rat-paced spoke a word
Of welcome, and the snail-paced even was heard;
One parrot-voiced and jolly
Cried “Pretty Goblin” still for “Pretty Polly;”—
One whistled like a bird.
But sweet-tooth Laura spoke in haste:
“Good folk, I have no coin;
To take were to purloin:
I have no copper in my purse,
I have no silver either,
And all my gold is on the furze
That shakes in windy weather
Above the rusty heather.”
“You have much gold upon your head,”
They answered all together:
“Buy from us with a golden curl.”
She clipped a precious golden lock,
She dropped a tear more rare than pearl,
Then sucked their fruit globes fair or red:
Sweeter than honey from the rock,
Stronger than man-rejoicing wine,
Clearer than water flowed that juice;
She never tasted such before,
How should it cloy with length of use?
She sucked and sucked and sucked the more
Fruits which that unknown orchard bore;
She sucked until her lips were sore;
Then flung the emptied rinds away
But gathered up one kernel-stone,
And knew not was it night or day
As she turned home alone."

and the last verse, about the sisters - I am the strength, the one who lifts during the stormy weather:

“For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather;
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands.”